I have never considered myself a depressed person and have always taken my diabetes more or less in stride (minus those teenage years…that was rough). As an adult, I have always managed to deal with my diabetes, sometimes by ignoring it (just a bit) and sometimes by really taking control and doing all the things I should.
But lately…
I am just really tired of it. I have always been very healthy, but the long-term effects of this disease are starting to crop up (mild neuropathy, retinonpathy which is still non-proliferative and just being watched). I am in my early 30s and all I can think of is, “What is my life going to be like in 5 years? 10 years? Will I even be alive?”
I know I am so lucky to have good health insurance and be able to get whatever I need to treat my diabetes, and I try to remind myself of that each day. But it’s just exhausting. I’ve had no less than 7 doctor’s appointments in the past 2 months. I have a wonderful spouse, but when the spouse doesn’t have D, they really can’t completely understand what it’s like. I rarely tell people at work about my D, but a couple of coworkers do now know. While they are very nice about it, I can’t expect them to really truly understand either.
Are there others out there who feel this way? Alone? Sad? Sometimes I think it’s just because of this glucocaster I find myself on some days, but I realize now it’s moer than that. I don’t want to start any treatment for depression because, well, I just don’t. I need to deal with this myself and I think I can. Just need to hear from others who have “been there, done that.” This is why I joined this site – I need to connect with other people who have busted pancrei. The one thing that has helped me more than anything is reading all the great D blogs out there. Reading about other people going through/feeling the same way is the one thing that makes me feel better. Because it’s the one time I don’t feel so alone.
I’m only 22 and have hit that stage in my diabetes full blown. Sometimes I still ask myself why me? I mean I was diagnosed with Type 1 when I was a freshman in college. I was healthy. I would work out had a job and was a full time college student. So when it happened to me I was in shock. I didn’t know much about diabetes at the time beside the people in my family who are overweight and really don’t care what they eat and aren’t on insulin. SO all of this was foreign to me and I couldn’t understand how me being in shape could get it. Well my doc basically told me my pancreas gave out on me. So I’m like why would it do that!?!?! So he eventually put me on the pump and I went into a depression and gained a lot of weight. A couple years down the rode I finally looked into the mirror and decided that I can’t live like this. I can’t let diabetes control my life I have to control it. I think it’s okay to have a depression once in a while. I mean it’s life and look what we have to go through. I think everyone hits that doubt. That’s when you reach out like you are now to try to gain some of your empowerment back. I mean I’m hear if you need me just inbox me if you want to talk. Just know you’re not alone and don’t let no one down you for feeling that way. I know when I expressed myself on here one time some people made me feel as though it was wrong for me to feel that way and to think diabetes reined my life. Just know I will never down you for how you feel or your beliefs. I will ONLY tell you my story and hope it uplift you a little.
Thanks, it’s just a help to know that there are other people out there who “get it.” I don’t have anyone else in my life who is T1, and I really think that only other T1s can truly get it, because they experience it every single day. I do need to take some of that control/empowerment back. The only problem is that I feel like to do that, I have to “let go” a little bit, and letting go means forgetting about diabetes, if just for a day, and that leads to a tremendous amount of guilt. I hate the guilt most of all.
I’m not going to lie…every blue moon I do let go. One day I pigged out on pizza and didn’t take any insulin. Yeah I got sick and paid for it later but I knew the consequences when I did it. I’m not a doctor and by no means am I saying stopped taking your insulin. My doctor practically called me dumb. But I just wanted that “normal” feeling again.
This is not uncommon. Here is a link to a blog/story on Diabetes Daily that speaks to diabetes and depression:
http://www.diabetesdaily.com/contributors/feeling-depressed-can-bring-down-your-diabetes.php?utm_source=MailingList&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=DD+2011-05-11
I think everyone with D gets depressed. It is just part of the disease. It consumes so much of our lives: equipment (pump, CGM, syringes, whatever!) as well as testing, lows, highs, EVERYTHING about it. It is almost impossible to deal with all that and your life too. But, we do it and that is extraordinary!
I am about to hit the 50 year mark with D. When I first was diagnosed, I was actually told that my chances of living past 50 years of age were slim. Well, I made that number and more. I am still healthy–have retinopathy, but is has been fine for years.
A while back I was really down, so I found a therapist in my area who deals only with people who have chronic diseases. She is diabetic herself. I went for a while and it helped–just to realize that I am not the only one who feels this way. I also got my husband to go with me once, and that really helped. I highly recommend this.
Good luck. I always think about whhat my mother said when I was diagnosed: It could be worse; you could have chronic diarreah for the rest of your life! (hope you laughed–I always do when I think of that)
You are definitely not alone! I was actually just talking with a friend about this last night. No one else in my life gets it. My mom essentially told me the other day that my pump and sensor just give me license to not pay attention to my diet and give myself more insulin. I was shocked she saw something that is saving my life as negative. It made me really sad.
My family has not made any attempt to truly understand this disease since I was diagnosed 4 years ago. Their response is always "its not life ending…you could have cancer."
Ok sure, I am not going to drop dead tomorrow from it (hopefully), but it did completely end the life I knew. I used to be able to eat and drink and do whatever I wanted without thinking about it. Now I am constantly thinking about what I eat and I feel guilty when I cheat and eat things I am not supposed to. I definitely have my moments where I wonder why I was given this disease and not someone else. Why did God think I was the right person to deal with this?
I am on a low dose anti depressant (for other reasons as well), but it has really helped me just be able to get past the depression feelings and take care of myself. Otherwise I would tend to wallow in my depression and sit on my couch and eat all day and not test and then just feel like crap even more. It becomes a vicious cycle for me.
This site has really helped since everyone here has been touched in some way by diabetes and we want to make a difference in other people’s lives. I think it is always a daily struggle, but at least there is somewhere we can go where no one will judge the decisions we are making and just give us encouragement.
Know you are not alone out there!
