Depression and regret over being stupid for too long

I had never really talked to anyone about my depression associated with Type 1 Diabetes. 18 years, and I wasn't good for a good 5 of them when I was a teenager. I now am paying the price, I'm 22 years old and have retinopathy, and am blind in my left eye as a result. I often think that my husband has a crap job of being with me because my control even when I test 10 times a day is far from perfect even though I'm really trying. Everytime there is an unexplained high, or low I feel like I'm failing myself. I think about how I'm going to die early, all the damage I've done to myself, I wonder most days if at the rate I've been going if I'll make it to 60. I worry if I'll ever be able to have children, about buying a house, about living my life the way I'd like to because diabetes always seems to be the elephant in the room that keeps me from doing what everyone else does. Has anyone else ever had depression like this regarding their own diabetes and their complications?
How do you cope?

Yes, I have been where you are now. I hsve had diabetes for 26 years and at times have had terrible control for extended periods of time. I have retinopathy and some vision loss in one eye. I worry about life expectancy. I’d like to make it another 15 years if I can. All you can do is take it one day at a time, test often, set some small achievable goals for yourself and then do your best to stick to the plan. You know what the high stakes are for not taking diabetes seriously. Now it’s time to pay attention to it and take it seriously. It’s not too late to gain control of the situation and start to live and feel better.

ABSOLUTELY!!! if you know one thing its that you are NOT alone....i feel the exact same way all the time....i am 23 and have been a type 1 diabetic for 18 years and it has put me in therapy for 7 years of the 18....its very hard to deal with sometimes and usually there are no right answers. if you ever need anyone to talk to i would love to have a freind in the same situation that i am in with this ugly disease. Stay strong Ladybell89 and just remember you can't change what God gave you, you can only live with it and make the best with what you have.

That would be wonderful, I can honestly say I don't have a single person in my life right now that has any form of diabetes. Its hard to explain to others everything, It would be nice just to have someone understand. I think another thing that has my on my rough ride lately is I had to increase my insulin to 125% seemingly overnight for no reason. Did bloodwork, only thing that was off was my calcium was high a little high? A1c was at 8.5, which felt great since I had brought it down, still not good but i'm sure my next one will be around 8 or a little lower. 7 seems unataiable, and if i get there too fast i run into more problems with my eyes. Just hard to feel like I am being fair to anyone else in my life when I can't even be fair to myself. I never tried therapy, am contemplating discussing my depression with my endo since i see her in a few weeks. But i'm sure i'll get the "well that's just part of being a diabetic" phrase and will just have anothing problem to blame on my diabetes. But just not knowing what my body is doing or why my bloodsugars just took a hike is stressful.

yea i dont rreally have anyone who has it either...and no one can truly understand unless they are dealing with it personally. i have just always wanted a good support system like this site just to talk ya know? its good to get on the live chats and just comaplin about high blood sugars some times :) my problem is with frequent ups and downs which doesnt do anything but make me feel like crap and prevent me from going out with any of my friends cause im worried CONSTANTLY about being to low or to high...my endo labled me and "out of controller" i just cant seem the right amount of insullin to even things out and let me tell you, it have taken a tremndous toll on my like physcially, mentally and emotionally....i just wish i could take a day off haha

I don't know of a single person who has had Type 1 since they were a kid and NOT gone through some sort of period where they didn't have the greatest control. I've had diabetes or over 20 years (I'm 30) and feel fortunate that I have no complications, but I do worry about the future sometimes, too. For some reason some people seem to have a harder time at control than others, even though they work super hard. I test 10x a day and am on a pump and pretty diligent about what I eat and exercise and all that and I still go high and/or low every single day. It gets incredibly frustrating sometimes, but I try to just take it a day (or a test) at a time and do the best I can ... easier said than done!

I see you are a fellow Vancouverite. There are a few Type 1 support groups around that you may want to check out. There is one held at VGH that I've been to a few times (haven't been in years), but as I'm on the North Shore and don't drive, the commute is just too long. I'm looking at moving to Burnaby or New West in the near future, though, so maybe I will try and go again. I find the online community is great, but having contact with people in "real life" who have Type 1 and who truly understand what you are going through is an incredible experience. I never went to diabetes camp or anything growing up, but almost wish there was a camp for adults with Type 1! No matter how much friends and family might care about you, none of them really know what it's like having Type 1 day in and day out.

There are also therapists who specialize in depression of those with a chronic illness. I have found this helpful on ocassion.

Hi ladybell89 , welcome to TuD from another BC-er , the wet Shuswap .There are other Tu D.members in the Vancouver area , however I don't know how active this group is .It is called Vancouver, BC type 1 s created by Heather B ( have not seen Heather around here) Jen , who replied , is a member ??? ...
Are you familiar with the Bounce Back program ?? I think one needs to be referred to by one's GP...(Endo ) ? It maybe a start for you ?
google " bounce back " or use the link
http://www.simonfraser.cmha.bc.ca/how-we-can-help/bounce-back .

I think we have all been there. I have definitely been through periods during which my control was not the best (ok, at times it was downright abysmal). I think the only thing you can do is start working on better control from this point forward. But you have to remember that even if you do everything "right," you're still going to have highs and lows. That is not you failing, it is the disease process. We have a disease that is potentially deadly in the short- and long-term. We can take insulin to keep us alive, but it doesn't replace what our pancreas SHOULD be doing. You have to remember that.

For sure, i'm right there with you.. T1D for 34 years, most of them really poorly managed. Most days i'm not sure how i've survived this long! Until I hit age 35 I pretty much believed i'd be dead before I got there. It was actually traumatizing to realize I might live, cause that ment I was going to have to contend with all the years I abused my body by not taking care of it.
Brutally hard work dealing with this disease, especially when you couple it with depression. I wish I had a magic way to cope... but I don't either, just want you to know there are other people out there struggling with you.
Hopefully struggling together makes it a bit easier

Right now... i'm just trying to do better each day, not dwelling on all the years of disasters i've had, and hoping like crazy that it's not too late! making little changes, I still screw up alot but hopefully a little less each day
than I had before

There is lots of reason to be hopeful.

The lifespan for diabetics has been improving dramatically recently due
all the advances in care and technology.

ATLANTA, May 22 (Reuters) - A 40 percent decline in the death rate of diabetic American adults from heart disease and strokes is a sign that patients are taking better care of themselves and receiving improved treatment, according to a government study released on Tuesday.

While the drop in death rates from cardiovascular disease was the most dramatic, overall death rates among diabetic adults dropped 23 percent from 1997 to 2006, according to the study by researchers at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institutes of Health.

"Diabetes leads to many complications and shorter life spans," Edward Gregg, the study's lead author and chief of epidemiology and statistics in CDC's Division of Diabetes Translation, told Reuters on Tuesday.

"The fact that we found substantially lower death rates in both men and women was very encouraging," he said.

Diabetics are less likely to smoke than in the past and more likely to be physically active, the CDC said, although it noted that obesity levels among diabetics continues to rise. Better control of high blood pressure and high cholesterol may also have contributed to the decline in death rates among diabetics, it said.

"When you see an effect on mortality like this, it's not due to one factor, it's really all those factors," said Gregg.

The study examined data from 250,000 patients.

Also :

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/28/steep-fall-in-death-rates-...

In terms of depression, I agree with the others above thatq suggested you consider therapy with someone experienced with treating the condition in diabetics. It is more common in diabetics...and there may be a medical reason.

Thank you for all the feedback and support. I tried talking with my husband about it. He was sympathetic obviously that I felt bad, but he also just said that we all die, and that I shouldn't waste my time worrying about it because I could get hit by a bus long before I die from complications. Which is obviously true, but didn't really make it go away. I will be talking to the endo about it, just 9 more days till I see her which is awesome.

Can I just also add that it's rediculous that if you don't see your endo for a year, you have to be refered to them again? Good old medical system :)

wow i am advised to see my endo every three months. more frequently if im having complications (which i usually am). Do you like your endo? its important to find a doctor that you can really trust and connect with...ive been diabetic for 18 years and still haven't found a doctor i really like. Mine just makes me feel stupid if i ask a question i should already know...i deffinately think thats been one of my biggest struggles....your endo is like your diabetic tour guide, they have to know where your headed or you never will. My therapist seems to know more about it then my endo does sometimes! :)

I was seeing her every three months here, but then she said I was doing very well and that she didn't think she would need to see me for a year. Then when I went to go confirm the appointment a year later they said I didn't have one. So I just waiting and now sure enough when I need to see her I can't. It was easy enough to get one, but certainly was a pain to wait an hour at the walk in to get it. I trust her and connect with her. She helped me a lot, when I first switched to the pump, I went through neuropathy of my stomach, and of my feet. By the way not a good healthy way to lose weight! But she was there with all the answers, I was really surprised when she said to come back in a year. I don't drive and I actually live out in Langley, so getting to her is a 3 hour transit ride, so it makes it hard to see her constantly but a year is a little much thinking back now.

Ohhhh yeah.
Hi Ladybell. I remember when I was in your shoes (I'll be 60 this year and 44 of those years with D) Being diabetic felt like riding the worst freaking horse ever born. Bucked me off anytime, EVERY time. Veered left when I reined right, ran away with me when I tried to stop. And when I got smoking mad and just kicked the crap out of her, she'd gallop all over hell with me till we wound up belly deep in a quicksand quagmire sobbing. But you can't sell the stupid horse (who would want it?) and worse yet, you have to ride it!
I was bulimic and like you, knew no other diabetics. It was an endless guilt spiral. When I tried to tell the doctor how difficult a time I was having he just said "Be glad you don't have cancer. At least we have medicine to keep you alive." I don't know if there's anything less helpful he could have said. I went home and binge-ate till I was so full all I could do was roll up in a ball and sleep.

It's very hard, even with today's tools, to control diabetes well. Especially for women, who have to deal with varying basal rates at different times of the month.
Everyone is different, but for me, when I finally noticed my monthly pattern and worked out the necessary variety of basal programs to track it, it helped a lot. Plus i realized how 100% impossible it would have been on MDI to even begin to have close control, and was able to forgive myself for all those years of well, whatever all those years were about. Misery?

If it would help, you could share numbers and people here might be able to decipher something useful, or maybe you just need to know that you are not alone with your problem?
Please stop blaming yourself. No one asks for this burden. Yes complications are vicious and horrid, and yes, with help, you can find your way. If you can, dump the emotional reaction to the numbers (they are just data) - learn what you can from them and leave them in your wake. Hug yourself and keep trying.

I am so sorry you are struggling with misery. I hope the sun will shine through the rain.

P.S. I love your owl.

well im glad you have a good doctor you connect with...can i ask what neuopathy is? im not good with technical terms haha..you said you live in Langley...is that Langley, Ohio? I live in Columbus, Ohio... and yes 3 hours is certainly a long drive!....I have has years of trouble with my endo, i started seeing her when my pediatic endo reccomended her and have been kind of lazy finding another one. The only thing i liked about her was the therapist she recommended for me! :)

This is a really frustrating disease. I don't think I've been depressed about it, more like "resigned". My big thing is never having a handle on blood glucose. I just felt like "I'll never know what's actually happening, even when I make some progress or have some victories, it won't last".

I realized just how resigned (hopeless?) I had become by how hopeFUL I am now with a CGM. It gives me a feeling that I can actually SEE what's happening, rather than playing the guessing game each day of what food does and how activity effects it and feeling zero control over it. I don't know if that is something you'd be interested in and of course YMMV, but adding this technology has galvanized me and it might for you.

I also know no one with T1, and that's tough because no one understands what I go through. These boards are great because we all know what we go through and we are not alone. Hang in there.

i keep hearing about these cgm's is that like the dexcom savage?

3 hour transit ride is no fun and then back home another 3 hours ?? ...is your Endo in New Westminster or ??? We are better off transportation wise , living in the Shuswap it seems ??
I have used HandyDart when living in Burnaby and had to go for radiation treatments at Vancouver General in 1985 ...would this system help you the times you have to see your Endo ??