Gary, I have had physical and emotional reactions to blood sugar swings, but nothing as severe as you have described here on Tudiabetes. I know if must be distressing to feel that being locked up for life in a non-diabetic state is preferable to life with diabetes; and the tools that may make your diabetic life a bit easier ( pump, CGMS) are evidently not available to you because of lack of insurance or funds to purchase them. I am beginning to understand… Can I offer you anything other than A kind word and a prayer and the reassurance that God is caring for you right now?No, I cannot.
But try to rest assured that the times your mom is there to call the paramedics and did not just stay asleep when you were low let’s me know that there is a little angel sent by you-know-who to keep you here with us… The fact that you have what you say is 10% of the day where you feel “well” let’s me know that the potential to increase it to 15 or 20%of the day is there, in small steps.
You are smart and know so much about diabetes. You have skills and talents you can use to benefityourself and others in that 10 to 20 % of the day… I know you do Mr. Gary.
Start to know it too.
I am praying that every day you find something positive in your life… maybe even just because you have Tudiabetes frieiends and “family” who are not willing to let you fall and stay in the pit of depression…
God Bless,
Brunetta
I appreciate all the concern and I am probably exaggerating when I say 90% of the time I feel horrible. Its realistically more like 50 to 60% but it feels more like 90. The point is due to amount of distress I go through I rarely partake in any kind of social events such as anything from visiting a friend, meeting a friend or family for diner or a movie, taking a vacation…etc. In fact all I do basically is work two part time dead end jobs just try and save as much money as I can while my folks are still around. Sometimes its overwhelming for me to have to put gas in my car when I don’t feel well. On top of all the hopelessness that goes through my mind daily there is also much anger. True it does no good to be angry but I can’t help it. I feel like my life was taken from me. It’s just extremely disturbing living like this. Could it be worse…? Probably but sometimes I wonder.
Do you experience “flow” in any of your activities? Your posts are well-written so do you perhaps get a bit of a buzz from writing them that maybe the dead-end jobs don’t provide? I had worked in restaurants a few years ago and, despite being “dead endish”, my coworkers and I would still “throw down” when it hit the fan, like during football weekends, when we’d be slammed for 2 days straight, without any break. It was hard and challenging.
Csíkszentmihályi (author of “Flow”) suggests that people will move towards flow in their activities, even if the activities suck, naturally working to improve performance, make the task entertaining or find success in misery (I dunno if he used the example but you could perhaps see slave laborers sabatoging Nazi fuses as an example of this?). If you are not finding flow in what you are doing, perhaps you can find a different dead-end job to get some flow going? For me, it was definitely studying Tae Kwon Do. In some ways it was very hard, as I was older than many (but not all…) of my peers, had diabetes going on, was a lot heavier than my peers (when I started) but I took the lessons about not giving up from martial arts and applied these to the other items and got into a “feedback loop” where they all sort of helped each other. One thing led to another and I had to move and left the martial arts but switched to running which has some advantages (e.g. listening to music!) and also seems to be a “flow” activity for me. I’m not winning my age group but I can set goals for myself and work to achieve them. Sometimes the goals may be wierd, like ‘mix up your running style to avoid or ease aches and pains’ (cf. Jeff Galloway, 2:12 PR for marathon, author of a bunch of books…) or even ‘don’t leave as much diabetes crap on the counter to set MrsAcidRock off’ (she is cool about it but do I really need 3x meters on the counter?)
You post these very interesting “diabetes sucks” threads every so often but you rarely say “I had 2U of Novolog and ate 20G of carbs and passed out from a low” (or “went to 350”) but there are tons of extremely smart people with a lot of experience figuring numbers out who might be able to help you get into a bit of a flow to get out of the rollercoastering you are experiencing? I think that you should use your talent at writing to put your nose to the grindstone and see if you can make even one number a little bit better, pat yourself on the head (or whatever…) and get some flow going for yourself. You just improved from 90% to 50-60% which would kick major ■■■ if you were a stock price!!
In a lot of the “I ate this and my blood sugar is %$^&*#! threads” people chime in, make suggestions, explore the history and probably in at least 50% of them, the original poster chimes back in with “hey, it worked, thanks!” sort of stuff?
Well said, acidrock.
I believe that you are very swing-sensitive, Gary, but I also think there’s more going on than your diabetes. You sound very unhappy with your job, your living situation, and so forth, and you sound like you might be depressed. Like others, I’d encourage you to see a therapist. I know you don’t have insurance, but if you let people know where you are, they might be able to help you find help. Good luck.
I agree. Well said, acidrock.
BTW The “Flow” books are a great read.
Gary: I have never experienced the sugar swings that you have experienced for so long but it sounds like it’s really tough. Have you tried the “Diabetics with Depression” group? I found the group to be helpful.
Gary, you have just described classic symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, and there is help for that, probably a combination of therapy and medication. Most cities or counties have a Behavioral Health Department which take Medi-Caid, are free or have a reasonable sliding scale.
You are right that anti-depressants won’t make your blood sugars better, but they will make you ability to cope with everything D throws at you much stronger. You don’t say much about what you do to manage your D, only what “it does to you”. My guess is your Diabetes and your Depression have you in a vicious cycle: One major symptom of Depression is lack of motivation and hopelessness. So you don’t feel like doing all the many things necessary to manage your D and you don’t think it will work for you anyway. When you don’t do these things your numbers get worse and you feel like crap which, of course, makes you more depressed and hopeless to change anything. When you get help for your Depression you will be better able to do all the things needed to make your Diabetes better. You do sound both desperate and hopeless but if you take this one small step it will start to get better.
The Fighter by Samuel Ellsworth Kiser
I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.
I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.
My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will come my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I’ve had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for ever stubborn yard;
But I have kept in fighting trim.
I have to fight my doubts away
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will;
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!
If I had to decide at this exact moment, I’d take prison.
I think you people are overlooking a big key factor in that my overall control is actually very good. My last A1c was 5.9. I usually go between 50 and 60 two to three times a day. The 250 plus range is far and few between. My problem comes from the sensitivity of the levels. Generally I feel basically well when I am in the 80 to 95 range. Once I start pushing 100 with no insulin on board I don’t feel well, actually sometimes horrible. We all know its impossible to stabilize glucose levels as diabetics at any level for that matter. So it boils down to how well your body can adjust to constant fluctuations at levels that will be far more extreme then a non diabetic and my body and mind hasn’t seemed to be able to adjust well. In general I have a very low tolerance for discomfort. If the temperature is a little to hot or cold its the same thing. When I get a common cold I am a bear. When I get a tooth drilled I need extra novacane and still sometimes feel the nerve. What can I say, it is what it is.
Maybe we can be cell mates…? Seriously this disease blows big time. My only hope is Dr Faustman delivers our freedom keys before its too late. Though my entire youth is gone maybe I’ll be an old fart living in peace.
“In general I have a low tolerance for discomfort” is What you just ,wrote, Gary. Could this be the basis for a lot of your problems and depression? Have you always been this way ,as a child even? Can you ask your momn is fyou were a fussy, agitated baby? Were you upset more often, less often than, or the same as other kids in school from disappointments, teasings; or when you fell and got the normal childhoold scrapes and bumps? That may be worth looking into, because it sounds like global neurological and emotional effects MAY be going on here… I am not criticizing you, dear, just trying to help you get to some type of conculsions or answers so we can help you out more…not prying, but e ARE in a message board. BTW:Your control is fabulous at 5.9 and am am striving to get back to under 6.5 myself!
God Bless,
Brunetta
If your last A1C was 5.9, Gary, you might want to change your profile where it lists your last A1C as 8.5
Prison or life with diabetes?
Give me the diabetes.
Even when I had HORRIBLE control and was rocking a 14.2 A1c in my late teens and felt like crap most of the time, I never would have opted for prison. Too much I want to do with my life.
Since receiving the slap-in-the-face of finding out I have proliferative retinopathy I’ve gotten myself in line. I took the plunge into the world of using an insulin pump and HOLY COW what a difference. I have blood sugars that are more predictable, I can eat high fat/high carb without the inevitably high blood sugars. I feel a billion times better, and my overall health is better (my immune system is MUCH stronger - I used to get 2 sinus infections, 2 bouts of strep, 4-6 UTIs, a few yeast infections, and half a dozen colds a year…now I get maybe 1 cold and if I’m really unlucky 1 sinus infection).
I have a career I love and I want to have a family someday.
Prison would take that (career and family) all away from me. Diabetes won’t, at least not now.
The cruelest prison is the one we build for ourselves out of fear, anger or regret.
People are put into prison by other people and prison is harsh, but it’s worse when you imprison yourself, when you’re too afraid of making mistakes or reliving them that you lock yourself up. The worst part about creating your own prison is that in your own prison you should have the power to free yourself, but the fear has left you powerless and only you can save yourself.
“The point is due to amount of distress I go through I rarely partake in any kind of social events such as anything from visiting a friend, meeting a friend or family for diner or a movie, taking a vacation......etc. In fact all I do basically is work two part time dead end jobs just try and save as much money as I can while my folks are still around. Sometimes its overwhelming for me to have to put gas in my car when I don't feel well. On top of all the hopelessness that goes through my mind daily there is also much anger. True it does no good to be angry but I can't help it. I feel like my life was taken from me. It's just extremely disturbing living like this. Could it be worse...?:
Actually yes, it could be worse. I have learned to take a look around me and look at the people that do have it worse than I do. You might have two dead end jobs, but you can at least work. There are people who physically can’t work, like me. I can’t drive because the neuropathy and have to depend on relatives to take me to the doctors and grocery shopping. Even taking the dog for short walks is hard because I have to use a walker. I make the most of what I do have and would rather be grateful for what I have than angry about what I don’t have.
Take the things that you like to do and make use of them. Instead if sitting in your room playing your guitar by yourself, go to a park and sit and play. People love music and would enjoy hearing you play. You will feel better inside when you can bring a smile to someone’s face. The economy is bad and there are probably a lot of people that would love to take guitar lessons but can’t afford to. You could give some free lessons and help some people out. Get involved in a program like Big Brothers or some other program. There are a lot of kids that would just like to have someone to toss a ball with or sit and talk. If there is an older person in your neighborhood that you know can’t drive, offer them a ride to the drug store when you are going. Stop and talk to them for a couple minutes. Do something nice for someone else – it does help make you feel better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&feature=player_embedded
I only wish I could be 154 and not feel a thing. I honestly believe I am a rare case but none the less my experiences are real. If my window was 80 to 180 feeling well the majority of time I’d probably be ok. I on purpose overshoot my dosages so I can drop low and eat. And if I am lucky enough to be elevated and not feel horrible once I inject to bring it down I’ll feel edgy as hell. Though I don’t test a whole lot I document when I am irritable and the level it was at, at the time and many times it’s in what most would consider the normal range. It’s to be expected if someone is running 200 or so that they don’t feel right but when your 120 and you document complete disturbance there is a big problem. To top if all off once in a while I feel fabulous physically and mentally like the diabetes is gone so I know what I should feel like. As far as my life in general diabetes aside it’s not the life I would have wanted. I am a photo of my parents and they never really lived. Just worried about the dollar, lived in the same neighborhood for a few decades and never experienced much at all.
I would disagree that it’s “impossible to stabilize glucose levels” in people with diabetes at any level.
I feel ok now, the 66 is a shade low (actually 48…) but I just rode 25 miles on my bike and have a pot of food cooking away I will shovel in greedily when it’s done in 10 minutes. I’d better have a beer to impair my liver a bit while I’m waiting…if you are going from 50-60 3x/ day, can you maybe increase your carb/ insulin ratio by one and see if you don’t “crash” as much? Maybe that would help you feel better. I partied a ton in the 1980s and I agree that insulin can be wicked stuff, the downer feelings I get when I’m low are very bleak however since I have OCDiabetes, I test a lot and don’t let it get away from me too much. Maybe a little adjustment would help you feel better and perhaps more as if you were in charge of it?
“I would disagree that it’s “impossible to stabilize glucose levels” in people with diabetes at any level.”
I agree with your disagreement AR! Anyone who says that it is impossible needs to take a look at the Flatliners club. No one said it is easy, but it is possible. Even with gastroparesis, I have managed flatlines.
ha that’s an easy one being having expierenced both in my crazy time on earth i would never want to be caged liked an animal again. period…ever…
i have expierenced more in my 4 plus years with diabetes and enjoyed and appreciated my life a lot more now than pre dx. i have actually come to the realization that wasting time sulking about things you cannot change fixs not my mood or circumstance… i have realized that i have a limited time to expierence whatever mother nature has intended for me, why would i ever want go to bed in a 7x10 cell with a small window overlooking a fat guard that has a baton on his side to beat me if i am not under their complience…
ahh choices choices, needling a few times a day vs. walking in circles so much you wear a new path, like a dog patroling his fence line…
You could only say you wanted prison if you really knew what prison was like. I have a friend who served time in prison, and she is still bitter about it ten years later. You give up ALL privacy, and are always subject to harassment (sometimes physical) by other prisoners, and the guards are always happy to participate. You can’t have a stick of chewing gum, just cause you want it, and you eat what you’re served, or you eat nothing. If your cell-mate steals your stuff, too bad. You can’t even get a tube of frickin’ toothpaste if you don’t have the money to buy it.
With diabetes, there is HOPE – even though you DO have to put in the work to find out what works for you, and not depend on docs who don’t know any more than textbooks and studies.
A lot depends on attitude and willingness to work at it, and if you’re too depressed to be able to work at it, like I was last year, the solution is to get help, not to wish you were in prison without diabetes. Even my friend, who is not diabetic, can see that diabetes is the better of the two!