Discouraged, for real. Can't do this anymore

Type 2
1

Allright..Here i write here tonight. I've just hit some kind of bottom.

I've developed..a fear , well a phobia, of meds. After my recent hospitalization, something happened inside of me and, i began to have that extreme fear of the effects of the meds. To the point of...not being able to inject insulin anymore.
I talked about it with the doctor. They told me that...they felt helpless, since i went sick several times after that, and still......i was not able to inject the insulin. They got i think, discouraged with me.

Last year, i spent the whole xmas time there at the hospital because i had severely high ketones. I was so sick , it was hell. They went on such tight insulin protocol with me, that i had lows after lows. It was not a life anymore, just the shadow of a life.

Tonight..for some reason, i felt a sparkle of courage within me. I have spent days now in the 400's, barely eating not to raise it. I'm tired. I'm a type 2 btw. Now..i feel i could have the courage in my heart to use insulin again. I KNOW it sounds silly to you perhaps, scared of using insulin all in a sudden. But it's what i'm going trough right now, that's my reality. I'm not mentally ill or anything. I've just let a fear take control of my rationality.

I'd love to gather more than a bit of courage because...i know i could let the fears take on me again, and let this situation worsen. I'm so scared.
So maybe..some words from you could motivate, i don't know..I feel like i'm throwing a bottle in the ocean now. I'm so sad with diabetes, i think i never accepted it. I never passed the stage of anger i had at first. I should have evolved or grow up, but, i remained childish about the whole thing.
I'm a mom, my girl is 16, and...i wanna live on, i wanna see her get married, hold my grand child one day. But if i keep going like that, i already have heart issues, i won't be able to.
Damn fear..if i knew they'd get me there, i'd have seek for help sooner.

Thanks...

2

Lavander, I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy. I can actually feel your fear. I've never gone as far as you, haven't stopped taking insulin, but I do have periods when I am a bit anxious about putting so much 'stuff' in my body.

You said in your post I'm a mom, my girl is 16, and...i wanna live on, i wanna see her get married, hold my grand child one day. That's what'll get you back on track. I know it sounds trite, but if you can do what you fear, the fear will lessen a bit each time. The spark of courage you feel tonight is a good sign that you're starting to overcome the fear/funk.

I don't think you're childish, I think you're human. Diabetes... most aspects of it... take a lot of courage, a lot of attention, a lot of choosing to plow through fears and unpleasantness, and it gets old! I admire your courage for posting, and asking for support. You have 20,000+ family members here who all feel for you, and support you.

Take that spark of courage and inject once. Don't think about tomorrow, or the next time... just one at a time. When you do, please post so we can jump up and down for you and pat you on the back for starting the upward climb.

Virtual hugs to you, and know that I'm sending you strength.

3

LB - It's amazing how powerful the mind can be - to the point of being overwhelming. Sounds like you are looking at your situation with open eyes and obviously you have much to look forward to in your life. Damned mind "games!" Hang in there.

On another note: I see you're from Quebec. WOW! We were up there in October as part of a 3 week trip. Absolutely gorgeous.

4

I do not live in Quebec city, but in small village called Shipshaw. So to speak, i live in the woods. ( i have a fox that is almost my pet actually.. )

Thank you for your kind words...

5

LavanderBlue,

From what you've written, you're driving in the dark. Meaning you can't see how your body is reacting to the insulin/ meds. If this is getting worse for you and harder to see, then you should consider a cgm (continuous glucose monitor)

I've lived with type1 for 42 years and the best thing I ever did for my health and mental health was get a dexcom. Why doctors don't recommend it for type2 on injections is beyond me!! With my dexcom, I can see where my blood sugar is going and take appropriate action well before I bottom out, or get too high. It's like having eyes to the inside of my body and I feel so much more in control. My a1c dropped from 7.3 to 6.3 in two months. The data is important in helping you understand how your body reacts to things in daily life.

You should check it out, http://dexcom.com/

6

I think you misunderstood my problem...I monitor my BG very well, several times a day.
My problem is, that i'm scare of meds, therefore..i can't use insulin anymore....Trough a pump or injections, it's the same fear for me....The meds are still going in my body, and it gives me terrible panic attacks, i faint and all.

And i'm very poor, i live in Canada, i cannot buy a pump at all. Alone with my daughter here, recently separated. I had to move from my nice home to an apartment, and i struggle to make it every month. So i don't think i can afford a pump and it's supplies.

7

Lavander,
I think you're in an emotional place right now that I'm not able to relate to. I wish I knew the right things to say, but I don't. The best I can offer is this: First, is it the insulin or the actual injection that you're afraid of? If it's the latter, get someone to help. Your wonderful daughter perhaps. Remember, insulin is not medication like other prescriptions. It is a hormone that your body makes naturally, just not in a sufficient quantity. It's not some laboratory concoction of a mix of odd chemicals.

Second, what you said towards the end sums it all up. Do it for your child. I resisted going on an insulin pump for years, but when I learned my wife was pregnant with our first child, I took the leap and did it. Now I've got two (see my blog post, What Really Matters in Life) and I would do anything in the world for them. I try taking care of myself, not as well as perhaps I could, but I do my best so I can be there for my two boys.

There's nothing wrong with getting discouraged about diabetes every once in awhile. It happens to all of us. Don't get discouraged about being discouraged, or it will consume you. I offer you emotional support, and hope you can get any other assistance you may need to get over this hurdle.

8

Hi LavenderBlue, I can sorta understand your fears. Although I don't suffer the fear that you describe I have always had concerns about the oral diabetic meds. But with insulin its different because it is a natural hormone and not some concoction dreamed up in a laboratory. I have few fears about taking insulin and I address them by testing often. I don't fear that it's causing body damage. As for the oral meds I continue to take them because I am a father and a grandfather and like you I wish to see my children prosper and see my grandchildern grow up.

If you can, Please for yourself and your daughter muster the strength to take that first injection. It'll only be a first step but thats the way we all learned to walk, one step at a time.

If you do the injection please post again about how you feel afterwards. Like jrtpup said you have 20,000+ family members here to support you and help you sort thru your feelings.

Wishing you strength and luck
Gary S

9

Lavender, I understand where you're at. Totally. Sometimes it feels like I just live on pills to keep me and this diabetes thing under control. Do it for your daughter and your yet to be born grandchildren, your daughter will want you there when she has a new baby, she will want her Mum to help her through those first few confusing days. Hugs, Maureen

10

Lavander its ok to feel scared. Dont let this take over your life. You have to Proove that you are stronger. You have to think of those that love and care about you, dont let this stupid disease ruin your life. you have to show it whos boss. things will get better just keep your head held high and check your blood sugars and give yourself shots.

11

I think many people fear insulin. That it is a sign of failure. That the injections will hurt. That you are poking yourself. That you are dependent on a medication for your life.

But you know in your heart that logically all of those "reasons" fall by the wayside when you think about the consequences of not properly treating yourself.

I started insulin one year ago. It was a relief. I have posted about this before and on fear of insulin, and I will repeat some of what I have said.

You feelings are natural. I have a local support group and it turns out discovery health did a show on using insulin. Many patients struggle with the transition to insulin, fear over the needles, feeling that they have failed. You might find it helpful to watch the Discovery Show, it is part of their CME series. And in case you are worried, I am not in it.

I was unhappy with my blood sugar numbers for quite some tim. They were not as bad as yours but I was unhappy. Medications basically did not work. Diet and exercise just would never "fix" me and I was not going to get better. I medication was the only way to stay healthy and the next natural step was insulin. So I decidedm I might as well be smart about it. I bought the books "Using Insulin" by Walsh and "Think Like a Pancreas" by Schneiner. Being informed took away a lot of the questions. One key way to conquer your fears is to conquer the unknown. The more you know about medications and insulin, the less you have to fear.

These days, I use insulin. It works. Every fear I had is totally gone. It has become routine. And you know what? It totally works. My blood sugars are well controlled. It is actually a relief.

Hope that helps.

12

I think you should be more afraid of what not taking the insulin will do to you. To have BG of 400 going for several days would make a person feel pretty horrible. I think you need to get yourself to a place where you have more normal blood sugar readings for a time so that you can see things in better perspective. You want to live for your daughter, right? She needs you. You can't be a mother to her if you are sick, or dead. I used to be able to tolerate high blood sugar and it didn't bother me, or so I thought. Then while watching Dr. Oz on TV, he explained what high blood sugar does to you while you aren't paying attention. All that extra glucose circulating through your blood stream acts like shards of glass, hacking up in the insides of your artery walls and capillaries--scarring them mercilessly. The smaller capillaries can actually become totally blocked off due to all the scarring causing loss of much needed oxygen to your feet and legs, kidneys, retinas, nerves, and brain. That's how the deadly and debilitating complications start. That day I watched Dr. Oz explain this on TV was my wake up call. It was about five years ago, but I was already 20 years into diabetes--a lot of damage was done by then. I didn't even know it. I'm managing things pretty well now but I am also dealing with the beginnings of complications. I wish someone had explained to me earlier how diabetes actually goes about doing it's damage. I never really understood it before.

Please, take the insulin and get your blood sugar down. Your daughter needs you. I have two daughters, 18 and 20 years old and I know that they need me. I plan to be here for them. Whatever your phobia is about taking medications needs to be dealt with. Get yourself to a mental health center and start working on that. Even though you do not have a lot of money, there are services available. You need to seek them out. Once you are feeling better and doing better, things will be clearer to you and you will know what you need to do to stay well and be there for your child. Diabetes is no laughing matter and needs to be taken with the utmost seriousness. I suspect that there is also an underlying selfishness/stubbornness/denial at play here as well. Again, get yourself to a place where your blood sugar is closer to normal levels and begin working on some of your other issues. You are not alone in this. Your daughter is there for you just as much as you want to be there for her. Do it together.

13

I'm sitting here wracking my brains trying to figure out what to say to you. What you're doing is VERY dangerous, but I'm sure you already know that. I almost killed myself doing something similar last year. You can read about it if you search "My Coma". And I don't think you are being silly at all.

Have you figured out WHY you can't work up the courage to take your insulin? There has to be a reason for it, somewhere in that complicated brain of yours. And my guess would be that it's emotional, because our emotional brains are VERY resistant to all the smarts and logic that everyone in the world throws at us. When I was bingeing on carbs last year, and not taking enough insulin (I never eliminated it altogether), I think my screwball emotional brain was doing a science experiment on how high could I go without suffering any consequences. I knew perfectly well what COULD happen, but I thought I could catch it and remedy it before anything real happened. I'm not claiming this was rational thinking -- in fact, I was totally trapped by my emotional side, and suffering blackouts and hallucinations that I was totally unaware of, and it's only luck that I didn't black out while driving and kill someone else. As it was, I turned my whole house upside down, and my friends, who cleaned it up while I was in the hospital said it looked like a tornado hit it.

I'm not saying your emotional side is telling you the same lies that MINE did, but the fact is that something is leading you down a very self-destructive path. If you can figure out what benefit you are deriving from not taking your insulin, you're halfway there to winning the battle. Mine was, "See, my BG is 576, and I'm still walking and talking!!". Not rational at all, but I'm being honest about it. I don't honestly think I had the desire to hurt myself, but that IS, indeed, what I was doing. It's entirely possible that I was pretending I didn't have diabetes -- denial has been a HUGE issue to me for as long as I've had it, and still is. I'm constantly struggling with denial, even when the facts are right there in front of me (Hi, Mr. Meter -- are you lying to me????)

So, after I got out of the hospital, I made some bargains with myself. One was, that if I HAVE to binge, I HAVE to take ENOUGH insulin to cover it. No namby-pamby 3 units to cover half an angel food cake, and 1/3 of a carton of ice cream. I will also admit that it's a hard bargain to keep, because it's scary to take 10 or 15 units to cover a binge. And more often than I'd like, I DON'T take enough to cover the binge, but I DO keep track and check and correct.

The fact that you're checking tells me that you ARE aware of what you're doing to yourself, and it seems to me that now is the time to figure out what your motivations are, and figure out a bargain with yourself that will solve the insulin problem. Just off the top of my head, which is to say I'm grasping at straws here, one bargain could be that you are not allowed to get out of bed unless you take your insulin. Or you're not allowed to brush your teeth unless you take your insulin. I KNOW how silly that sounds, but when I think of my grungy morning mouth, and how badly I want to brush, I think I WOULD take my shot if that was the only way I could allow myself to brush, LOL!! Of course, you have to think of your own motivators, but I'm pretty sure you CAN think of some. :-)

You might notice that MY motivator is a half-way motivator -- I REALLY shouldn't binge at all, but to me, meeting my crazy emotional brain half way is better than not at all. And meanwhile, I am working VERY hard on finding ways not to let my emotional brain be in control -- finding ways not to be depressed or sad, which is when I'm most vulnerable.

So, I've talked mostly about myself, because I don't begin to know what is going on inside you, but what I would like to do is encourage you to think the hard thoughts and feel the unhappy feelings, and find ways to turn the tide of the battle you're fighting, so that you CAN win the war and be there for your dear daughter, and all the other people who love you!

14

Lavander,

"First light brings a new day, new hope, new wisdom, and a chance to start fresh again" - PAL (me)

(((((( Hugs )))))

Trisha - Type 1

15

Natalie, that is a very insightful story, and is very revealing into your own personality and your own mental struggles. Thank you for sharing it. I sure hope that LavanderBlue can take some tips out of it and help herself. I felt pretty helpless in my reply above (but felt obligated to say something!), but I believe you really could be a savior to Lavander. In fact, I think we're all here both in search of a saviors and to be a savior (not in a religious sense), whether consciously or not not. That's what makes TuDiabetes.org so great, and is what keeps us coming back.

16

Hi Lavander, my motivation is my daughter. I went through a period of time when my daughter was young that I did not take good care of myself but then I realized one day that my daughter needed her mother so I turned it around. That was about 20 years ago and I've been trying my best since. Now I pray every day that I live long enough to see her marry and to be able to hold my grandchildren. That's my motivator.

Do it for your daughter if you can't do it for yourself. Think about holding that grandbaby one day.

I understand and share your fear of insulin and lows. I am very fearful of them too. What's helped me get more comfortable is to start out taking smaller doses of insulin than maybe you're supposed to just to begin to trust that you know how much the insulin will drop you. Plus that way you won't feel the effects of going from high to normal quite so fast. Baby steps. Take it in stages and set goals that will eventually lower you closer and closer to target range.

I also eat low carb so that I don't have to take big doses of insulin just because it scares me. This has helped me get my levels back in range. You can do this. Just baby steps and keep trying.

17

There is a treatment for pharmacophobia that was effective for me. Is is called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). My problem was caused by an allergic reaction. The treatment itself is not stressful. You CAN overcome this. I did. Some reluctance remains but I can take medications I need.

18

Lavander, we haven't heard from you. How are you doing? Please let us know, no matter what the reply!

19

Some thoughts:

Are you afraid because the doses of insulin are giving you super lows?

Your fear may be well placed. You do not state the dose sizes you are working on this and type of insulin prescribed?

I am not Doctor but have been told by a Doctor of mine of early case they worked on and fellow was having super lows - his bg was in the 400's. My Doctor told me they reduced the dose very small to 2 units of standard insulin and that stopped the supper low's and his levels dropped to 150 without cratering.

My haunch is you have had bad event and its freaked you. You do not mention Doctor or who is providing diabetes care support.

The tribe here has advised you well on the dangers of 400 bg. I am old goat who got stroke and paid for failing to get numbers down.

Other side is carbs control/diet carbs - and sufficient hearty exercise and I do not know what your situation is there.

With numbers like you mention suggest body muscles saturated with glucose (insulin resistance very high and a liver throwing all sorts of the glucose back in morning dawn effect. With numbers like that, my guess is that the insulin you add may just be circulating in blood system seeming to do nothing.

These were the things that affected me. I suspect you need a care person you can trust and work with to get this under control.

Between wrong foods, wrong doses of insulin and possibly inappropriate insulin type, one can get really cycling nasty.
If you have long acting insulin (12 hours) one needs to keep that fed timely or have nasty issues - lows.

Best wishes and good luck.

20

I don't really know what to tell you on this one, but I am rooting for you to make it through the woods (figuratively).