Rebellious teen ...refusing to manage

Hi everyone.

I am at a point of desperation. …i should have acted sooner, most likely. My son’s last appointment yielded a terrible A1C and a threat from the doc that he can lose his newly acquired driver’s license. He said when his new sensor came he would get back to managing and go back for another a1c check. He hasnt put his sensor in for several weeks and wont check either . I offer to check…try to do it even in his sleep…but he gets angry and wont allow me to check. He is using his pump bc he will ask me to fill it. But he has been losing weight and I am afraid for him. Any suggestions. I want to be understanding and not annoying but he has been sick from being very high but this doesn’t result in any changes. I think he is depressed. I want to take him to therapist but he says that doesn’t help. I am considering hospitalization for assessment of both physical and mental health. I will have to figure out a way to get him there.

Hi
so sorry for your situation. a while back there was a mom with a similar situation, you can find the thread here

and i highly recommend you reading it

i basically give you the same advice as i gave her back then…
trying to understand that he is probably as scared as you are, just showing it in a different way might help.
hospitalization is a last ressort, but i really hope you don’t have to go there…

all the best :four_leaf_clover:
Angela

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I’m so sorry you are going through this… it would be heartbreaking to see your child refusing to care for themselves and then hurting themselves by not managing.

My daughter is only 10 but she’s very strong willed and we like to say that we are partners in managing her D. That’s because even just a few years ago I would sometimes be (to my shame) very accusatory towards my daughter when her numbers were high, but as soon as I get that way, the walls go up with her. So instead we’ve been focusing on how we are partners and try very hard not to make anything a point of contention. In fact the other day I read that blood checks are only information, not judgements. I like that and so did she. She doesn’t need to feel judged for every mistake that she makes, she’s only 10! And for a teen that really just doesn’t want diabetes anymore, or feels this isn’t fair, the bad numbers are likely making him just feel worse about the situation. Not to mention that when and A1C is so high, they are probably cranky all the time. My daughter is an awful grouch when she’s high!

I found this article, and it seems to line up with what I remember hearing from a diabetes psychologist at a seminar once. And have you tried setting some boundaries? You want your phone… show me that you’ve done your blood checks. You want the car? Show me that you’ve done the bolusing. What this psychologist said was that teens need to realize that showing their parents the info they want would take 2 seconds, rather than arguing for 20 minutes. And you would just be setting limits and boundaries in love, for his safety. And even though he might hate them, it would show him that you care.

Best of luck, I hope this situation turns around.

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Honestly, I would try to scare him. A guy I knew as a child was diagnosed as T1 a few years before me. He couldn’t come to grips with the idea that he was diabetic and refused to manage the disease. When he was older he regretted the path he chose and told the story on his website:

http://jayphinnemore.tripod.com/id1.html

When I read your post, I tried to look up his website and found something much worse:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/thestar/obituary.aspx?pid=164789786

In your son’s case, there is still time to make a better choice.

I’ve had it for 50 years now. I know how hard it is. Threats and scare tactics never worked for me. The best thing I ever did was join here, to be perfectly honest. Guilt, blame and shame never make for lasting change.

If I were you, I’d call these guys today

Everyone who works there either has type1 or a child with type1. The head is Gary Scheiner, a very smart, kind, and helpful CDE. We know him well here at TuDiabetes, we had him for countless live interviews. They do most of their work remotely, so it doesn’t matter where you live. I understand they also have psychological services. Everyone I know who has used them just raves.

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Ehhh…I would advise against that approach.
For some people in some situations, the “scared straight” approach may work…

But this could likely just make a scary and overwhelming situation worse. Hell, the reason a lot of people make unwise and unhealthy decisions is rarely from them not knowing the danger, but rather that they ignore those realities because it’s such a heavy psychological load to bear.

If this kid is already being avoidant and is potentially struggling with depression, trying to “scare” him will likely make things worse.

It sounds like he needs to process what he’s going through. Maybe this is through changing the dynamic of the parent-kid relationship or maybe it’s through therapy. Either way, it’s likely a tough road ahead and I’d hate to see it made even tougher.

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Thank you all!! I am waiting for a call back from diabetes social worker for a referral to psych that specializes in chronic illness. I will call the referral for phone consult in the meantime! Thank you!

I agree that changing the dynamic between us will be helpful, I haven’t been successful with figuring out how to do that. I stopped reminding or even talking about anything but that didn’t help. I am surprised that the diabetes doc didnt suggest a hospital stay to get him on track again, for evaluation etc.

He reponds better to male role models than to me… has anyone here served as a mentor? Or know of such places? His walls are up and I dont know how to be supportive if he won’t allow me. I am afraid for him. … and it is hard not to let that show I guess. And i need help , which is hard for me to admit.

Thank you everyone … kind people who are living with diabetes … you give me hope! God bless you.

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Josh … I guess that I agree with you. The “scare” worked with me. But, only for so long. Adding a Psychologist to his medical team and engaging in intensive face-to-face therapy with the whole team (psychologist, endocrinologist, dietitian, diabetes educator) would likely be helpful.

In my case, I have reached points of total frustration finding my diabetes almost impossible to manage. When you reach that point, the temptation to just quit altogether is strong. Add to that, children likely don’t have any complications as of yet and still have that feeling of invulnerability.

He needs to know that he can add 30 years on to his life, and that it IS possible.

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so understand where you are. we have been fighting our son’s lack of testing and bolusing for about 3 years. he is 18 and the best thing we ever did was to get him the new Dexcom 5G. He is on the medtronic pump and at first used the enlite, but the enlite was a pain and was more trouble than it was worth. now that he is on the dexcom, he does not have to test more than 2 times a day to calibrate and he always knows what his blood sugar is because there is an app on his iPhone and I have a follower app.

not sure if he was ready to take on more and own his type 1 or if the dexcom is the answer or maybe a little of both. i would suggest looking into it as I thought since he used the medtronic one we weren’t eligible for it. i believe most insurance will cover a cgm once a year or so. good luck and my prayers are with you.

Yeah don’t try to scare him straight. If your son is emotionally where I was at when I went through this rebellion, he won’t care. And he will see you testing him in his sleep as undermining his authority over himself.

You see, if your son is me back then, he’s trying to regain lost life-control by refusing to be dictated to by diabetes. He’s done letting his disease control him, he’s going to take back control of his own life, and to do that he’s going to refuse to obey the rules diabetes is trying to make him live by. Hopefully he will come to see that he has infinitely more control over his destiny by doing what this disease dictates than he could ever dream of having by rebelling against it. But it’s a process to get there.

Do you think he would come here himself? Or another online diabetes community? The reason I ask about another community is this: the thing that opened up my lines of communication with my endo was the day I asked my mom not to come into the exam room with me, and she agreed under the condition I promised to be straight with the doctor. Which was the whole rub–I couldn’t be with my mom in the room.

I felt judged for stuff I either chose to do not quite right, accidentally did wrong, or incidents I couldn’t explain. Prime example: I was diagnosed in 1993. It took me until a month ago to get it through her head that some lows simply will never have a discernible reason because there are autonomic processes of the body that affect it that I have no way of even knowing are occurring, let alone planning for when it comes to my sugars. For 24 years, her furrowed brow and frown when I couldn’t explain away a low made me feel judged for something I couldn’t control.

Not accusing you of anything like that, but teens often fear such things without evidence. I just wonder if he would find some assistance in communicating his struggles in an environment he at least thinks is outside your witness.

I think you parents are the best thing out there. I am not sure how my parents survived my childhood but we all did. And while it wasn’t pretty and very scary back than, we did make it.
I don’t know which approach will work with your son but getting him talking with someone is probably a good place to start. I am in 50’s and don’t have a lot in common with teenagers but I have become a kind of mentor to a young man who is kind of in the same place. We talk about how crappy it is and how much we hate the day in and day out but than I talk about all the things that we can do to make it a little better.
Sometimes just talking with someone who gets it, who has been there makes it easier. So whether it’s a professional or a support group and just someone you know how might help, he probably needs to talk to someone.
And a very big and huge note for most teenagers, that very important drivers license. His doctor can and most likely would pull his license. It is his right and duty to report anyone he thinks is a risk to the safety of himself and others on the road. And wow it is so very hard to get it back. If he ends up in front of DMV, he will need records so that means, testing and recording or wearing a CGM and producing records. It is a scare tactic but it’s one that is dear to most teenagers. Good luck Mom and we love you for all you are doing and will do for the rest of his life. Love you!

This was very helpful! Thank you! I watched the video that was posted also…

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Yes, his doctor told him at last visit that if his A1C doesn’t improve that she will write to suspend his license. And his body is losing muscle. I don’t want to panic, but if he isn’t making any effort then how bad is bad enough to insist that he go into the hospital to get back on track? He is a big guy now; and I can’t make him do anything, obviously. But I feel like I am doing nothing while his health deteriorates. I can call the doc to report that he is not managing and she can suspend his license. But then he may become more rebellious; I don’t know for sure. It has been about 1 month since the last visit when his A1C was around 11.

My experience as a teenage T1D was a little different because I was definitely a rule follower (and still am). I will say, though, that after nearly 30 years with diabetes, I still bristle when my mom asks how I’m feeling. It’s the first thing she asks each time we speak.

Diabetes is something I’m conscious of 24/7. I am hyperaware of how I feel ALL THE TIME. I can’t escape my diabetes, ever. I can try sometimes by focusing on other aspects of my life, but it is ever present. If my bg is high, I feel crappy. If it’s low, I can’t process information and feel shaky. Even when I’m within normal range, I’m still hypersensitive. Then, there’s the constant thinking about what snacks I have on me in case my bg drops. For years after I started working I purposely ran my bg averages higher because I was terrified of having lows while at work and not appearing as professional as I needed to be (I keep my medical status discreet).

So because this is ever present and honestly, exhausting - even when things are going really well - the last thing I want to talk about with anyone is how I feel. It’s all I think about. I want to be able to focus on other things in my life that are important so that I have a respite from the diabetes.

I hope your son finds a middle ground of figuring out how to balance his diabetes and his life while getting through his teenage years. He needs to learn how to do this independently, because after high school he’ll be responsible for himself.

p.s. I’m so glad that CGMs with the share technology did not exist when I was a teenager or in college. Gosh that would have made my life miserable! My A1C might have been forced to be better, but I would not have been a happy kid and it would not have helped my relationship with my parents.

I would absolutely find and start therapy for children immediately.