Sympathy issues?

1

Has living with diabetes affected your ability in a positive or negative way when giving sympathy towards other peoples non-diabetes related health issues?

My answer, yes it has affected me...

I have a wee bit of a problem, and I need to talk about it (by creating this discussion in hopes of discussing it amongst other people with a chronic condition like mine). Is it somewhat normal to have a chronic condition for 26 years and slowly begin to turn into a wall of stone (best way I could put it)? I have a tendency to blow off other peoples non-diabetes related health issues as "not being as severe as Diabetes" or "not chronic enough" ...so no big deal, deal with it (quit your whining). Sorry if that comes off a little strong but it's the truth. I don't come out and directly say this to the person, but it's thoughts I have in my head that I need to change (It's almost like I'm comparing health issues in my head).

I would think Diabetes would give me more of a positive understanding towards peoples non-diabetes related health issues, but right now it seems to be the complete opposite. hmm.

I had to put this down into words... as always, thank you for reading my discussion and I would appreciate any feedback.

Merriam-Webster definition of sympathy: the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another b : the feeling or mental state brought about by such sensitivity <have sympathy for the poor>

Merriam-Webster's definition of empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner;


2

Hey Danny,

As a Type 1 I think you have a right to feel that way. You walk on a tight rope every day and a miscalculation can lead to coma or even death. Your hope is that if that happens someone/ or a rescue squad can revive you. Very few live their lives with that everyday.

I have a good friend that broke his back. He is in constant pain every day. He goes to a pain clinic 2 times a month to help him manage his back pain. Nothing really helps, its always there. He is not going to die from it but he suffers both mentally and physically for the rest of his days. I wince every-time I see him because I can see the pain in his face. His world is totally different than yours but none the less its his world. Everyone has their own box of rocks to carry around for sure.

Having said that as you age and the years go on I think you will become more aware of others because you will start feeling your own mortality as you see others your same age start to pass on.

3

I understand your point, Pauly. I have had type one for 42 years and am almost 56. I see so many my age, some even younger; die from complications of type 2; others who have heart diseases, and 1 wowan in my church died quite unexpectedly of stroke… and she was an active, normal weight woman. I have had to listen to many tales of pain and torment and have comforted and supported families. I look at my T1 life and my other medical issues as something that has prepared me for empathy. I can hear it, listen to it and empathize when my younger firends complain about a scar on their leg that did not fade , stretch marks, or slowly creeping cellulite ( yes womwn all all ages have varying degrees of concern about that). I was at that stage at one time… I listen, offer suggestions if they ask, but I don’t tune them out. yes, People whine AND I have to count every carb I put in my mouth and balance a lot:three basal rates and exercise and most recently, a brain angiogram and diagnosis of AVM ( arteriovenous malformation). but I got up theis morning, and have faith that all will work out.

I think, Danny, that you Are NOT as hard-hearted as you think. You are a sincere, caring man as is evident by your postings and support of so many on the site and in the DOC… If you are doing mental gymnastics when you are listening to a “whiner”, and are feeling guilty about it. Just stop. Blame on them for whining and blame on yourself for feeling is not good for you nor for them. Offer a listening ear, supportive commentz for a few conversational turns and jocularly change the subject…

Take care my brother.

God Bless,

Brunetta

4

Actually I do find that I am more sympathetic to other people’s health issues my issue is that I do get quite riled when people aren’t sympathetic to mine. Some people just don’t get that when I say I’m tired it means that I need to rest or I wont be getting up for work tommorow. I don’t want to go to the pub.

But I have been in that situation where I’ve been like ’ I hate my diabetes, my life is so hard’ and my friend who I haven’t spoken to for ages told me that she had to have most of her bowel removed and now wears a colostomy bag. She is 30 - that made me feel like a total *hole.

5

One of the hardest things in life, is that we are called to be caring humans, and empathic to one another… regardless of what those people have been through. Sometimes our load will be bigger, and sometimes it will be lighter. But at the end of the day, we all need that help, and we all should all be watching out for each other when we hurt, whether it’s health wise, or otherwise. Perhaps in it’s face, something may not seem challenging at all, but it might be new, and extremely challenging to that person. Until we’ve actually experienced it ourselves, we won’t know how bad it is for sure, and if we have been through it… we should be helpful to that person and their concerns, or their emotions and fears. We all just want to relate to one another, or share our gripes about things… After all, isn’t that what we do in this forum most of the time? What if people who thought they had it worse than us blew US off? Dissed our very hard experiences, because they just assumed a lot of things about our condition or health, as being easy, and very manageable, so why gripe? People who have to go through dialysis every day, or have to change catheters many times a day, or wear a colostomy bag… OR, like the man who always visited me at Burger King (where I worked when I was 17 years old) so that I could help feed him because he was a quadriplegic, and he lived alone. I have a friend, right now, with Fibromyalgia, and she wakes up most mornings in so much pain, she either wakes up screaming, or she simply can’t walk…

Every new experience has been significant, and challenging to us as people, simply because it’s NEW. It’s new, and we’ve all had to dig into ourselves, and stretch ourselves, to deal with it, and sometimes it’s scary, painful, and sometimes darn right annoying. It should never be a competition of who has it worse. The competition should simply be within ourselves… to challenge ourselves to simply be strong enough, deal with the pain, and not run away, in fear, of what life may bring us… Because all new things are scary, and painful, sometimes.

6

Well, my niece did smirk at the doctor’s office last night when getting her yearly physical, when a girl of the same age was kicking up a fuss over getting a flu shot :slight_smile: There are a lot of kids far worse off than she is; she has seen children in wheelchairs and a few paralyzed from the neck down. So very empathetic with serious health problems; no tolerance at all for whining over minor issues.

7

This thread got me thinking. Yep, Danny on somethings I am not sympathetic. For me I was dx’ed type 1 a little over 2 years ago in ICU, DKA and 52 years old. When I met or know someone with type 2 or any other medical problem, who doesn’t take care of themselves. I have no sympathy, I think it’s because of the almost dieing and already thinking about getting older. I also like the way Pauly explained how living with type 1 is.

8

Danny I know it affects me. In a pretty negative way b/c of all you just stated. I tend to dismiss other’s b/c of what I’ve had to go through since 10. Been on the reseving side of EMT and ambulances and such too many times to could. Sorry to say it but it does.

9

I think being a type 1 has made me more empathetic, but I tune out the whining. Some people just like to complain. Usually while I’m listening to it, I’m thinking, you have no idea. But everyone has their cross to bear, some are heavier than others.

I know there are a few times I’ve thought, suck it up, it could be worse. But I don’t want worse, this is enough for me.

10

Hey, I understand where you’re coming from, as I also feel like that some times.
Having had D for 24 years it seems that my closest friends forget about my D and don’t understand that it’s really hard work every single day, and that I have worries about the future.
And when they talk about what to me seems like really small issues, I cannot help think that they aren’t grateful that it’s not something worse. But then I have to remind myself that I too can have non-diabetic issues, and they will bother me as well. (only that I will probably fear they might either be complications of D or that they complicate my D)

If there’s something I have learnt, it’s that a non-diabetic will never know what I am going through,
and likewise, I cannot know what they are going through either.

The thing is, D has made me stronger, so even if I have similar issues as a friend of mine, I will probably deal with it differently than someone who’s never had health issues before, and differently than someone who has more severe health issues than I have.

Listening to other poeple’s stories might just teach me something new about them, and hopefully also about myself. And it feels good to help them, as often all I need to do is listen and be there for them. And hopefully they will do the same for me.

11

It’s funny that you mention this. I’ve been examining my own reactions to others. I find I’m very empathetic and sympathetic to a point. If you aren’t doing what you need to do to fix it or maintain it, I lose my sympathy very quickly and I somewhat resent being the good kid. I’m lazy and self-indulgent but I still manage to keep this machine running. I have found myself discussing medical issues with others and finding that if it isn’t chronic, I do have the feeling, “well, at least this will get over with.”

After a while, I think seeing people not treat themselves well or maintain the bare essentials makes me harder in my judgment.

12

Hi Danny,
Perfect timing for this discussion. Please read my leukemia post. I just had my world rocked in a way that actually made type 1 diabetes seem like nothing in comparison. My perspective and outlook on life is so different now. Just being able to leave the house and go to work seems like a gift.

13

I agree with Lizmari, you can’t know what another person is going through unless you are in their shoes. We all suffer, and that in itself is enough to offer sympathy. We cannot judge others, and they cannot judge us. Unfortunately, we are put in a position every day to pass judgement, it’s part of living here.

Having diabetes has actually given me an excuse to take my own struggles more seriously. I have had plenty of sympathy for others but have always shrugged off and submerged my own “issues.” That has not helped me healthwise. It’s almost a relief to have something more concrete as evidence that what I feel and how it affects my health is not imaginary. Seeing my BG rise after a visit to a doctor’s office is interesting to me. I guess the mind/body connection must, in fact be real. Hmmmm. How’s that for bizarre reaction to being type 1?

14

Lizmari:Your reply is so touching and REAL .I Love this comment: It should never be a competition of who has it worse. The competition should simply be within ourselves… to challenge ourselves to simply be strong enough, deal with the pain, and not run away, in fear, of what life may bring us
Thanks for your insights and beautiful words…

God bless,
Brunetta

15

Thanks for this topic, Danny. I really admire people who are willing to turn a critical eye on their own behavior and look at ways to change it.

I also know what you mean, SF Pete about people who are not doing what they need to do and “resenting being the good kid”; I especially resent it when my diabetic friends do very little and get good A1Cs!

But here is my take on this topic. I think there is a big difference between sympathy and empathy. I’ve thought a lot about this over the years because my career was in helping others. I never felt I could do very much for people if I felt sorry for them, because then I was operating from a “one -up/one-down” position, and the person, ultimately felt that. But empathy? That’s a whole other story. When you are able to actually imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes then you can “meet them where they’re at” and actually be of some help. So maybe that person complaining about the bag of pebbles has never been ill before and doesn’t know how to cope. Or maybe his parents always told him “buck up” or “work hard and all will be well” and he doesn’t understand why those messages are no longer working. Or maybe he has a demanding boss who expects him to work through his back pain or indigestion problems or whatever it is. Or maybe she’s a mom who fears that if she is sick she won’t be able to care for her children. Whatever. That person is suffering, even if it is only from a bad case of acne that is hurting their self esteem. If we can truly feel what they are feeling we can care.

I actually wrote the above before seeing you had posted definitions of sympathy and empathy. I disagree with those definitions. (sorry, Merriam Webster!). To me sympathy is definitely standing outside of the person and empathy is being willing to step within. If everyone in the world could develop true empathy, imho we would have no wars. Jews would KNOW how Palestinians felt and visa versa. There was actually a great PBS special where they hooked up some Iraqi women with some American women on skype and they talked-about big things like 9/11, but then just about their families, their husbands, their lives, and everything changed. Ok, now I’m getting gradiose.

16

Yeah! I hate these shows, too, with a passion… And I get so much grief from people when I say I find it all so very irresponsible and offensive to teach people how to “binge” on their vacations… and maybe not how to find a healthy place to eat. lol I’ve always hated these shows, Diabetes or not… I think about people who struggle putting meals on the table for their family… and we have the luxury to waste food, and brag about it… Unbelievable.

17

That’s what’s known as the sin of gluttony, lol!

18

I lack sympathy when friends complain about having to get a shot or cringe at the sight of blood or are hungry and claim that their blood sugar is low. These things bother me because I go through them everyday with little to no complaint and feel that they have no right to make a big deal about them. However generally I think being diabetic has made me more sympathetic towards others. Diabetes sucks but as far a chronic conditions go, I think I would choose T1D over most others. Sure I am a bionic pin cushion, but I can still do just about anything I want to. My disease doesn’t stop me from learning, working, or even eating just about anything I want (although I choose to avoid foods that are difficult to deal with).

19

I have a friend I’ve known since high school who died in January after 20 years with a chronic illness. It’s complicated but basically she was in pain nearly all the time and periodically had crises where she needed hospitalization, and she was often on oxygen. I watched her life get narrower and narrower. She had been the first Bureau Chief for CNN San Francisco and her husband her photographer; they had travelled all over the world and interviewed famous people. Towards the end, she needed a wheelchair to get to the car and when I had a date with her I knew she might have to cancel last minute. She was a very nice person, and once told me she when I apologized for bitching about something trivial that it helped get her mind off her own situation to hear about others’ lives. But I think she had some of the same feelings when I got diabetes. Her husband was also a diabetic (type 2 on insulin) and when I was diagnosed he and I had a lot to talk about. Once she went to the bathroom and when she came back said, “Are you two still talking about diabetes?”. I had suggested to her I was going to buy him a Frio as he admired mine and she said no, get him something fun like an Amazon certificate. After she died he bought a Frio and when I mentioned I had been going to buy him one he said he would have loved that. I knew that compared to her illness my diabetes was no big deal. Sure my days are filled with shots and tests and carb counting, but I am lucky enough to have sufficient time and money (aka insurance) to deal with it. I FEEL fine most of the time. Most of all I am here and she is gone.

20

I defintely have more sympathy for anyone who has any sort of life-changing event in their life more than I did before. I especially have more sympathy for those who have hit hard times in their lives and everyday is a struggle. That is because it has now happened to me. I don’t know if that is sympathy or empathy. They are kind of close in my mind.

I guess before I fell on hard times (health and otherwise) I felt bad for others who were sick or in need but not so much to the extent that I do now becuase I don’t think I truly understood how it felt to go through those experinces. It is alot different once you have been through the ringer yourself. I have always been a helpful and nice person (maybe even too much so as some people take advantage of that) but I have grown a tougher skin.

And yeah, when I hear people belly ache about dumb stuff that isn’t that big of a deal (and this might have been stuff that I might have bellyached about at one time before my Demise - ha get it D- mise) I can’t help but think about that person “Geez, are you selfish? That is nothing compared to what others go through” - Health related or not. Not that I am not diminishing the important of others problems because when you are going through them, no matter how insignificant they really are, they are still important at the time. But even with my diabetes and other myriad of problems, I know that although my health problems are worse or more chronic than others my situtation is still not worse that those dying of other chronic illnesses or starving to death in third world countries.

I realize too that in the realm of the diabetic community Type 1 walk a finer line with their health than us Type 2’s do and that is definately more than a struggle than what I have to do. Not sure all Type 2 will agree but for me and my Type 2-ness, I do see it that way. You Type 1 definately have a finer line to walk and more to manage than I do. You are so brave! :slight_smile: