Im kinna uncomfortable writing this post, but im trying to be brave about it mostly because im not the only one with issues and depressions coming from being diabetic. Yes, im depressed. I´ve had the D for almost 20 years now and a couple of months ago is when i started to take control of it. Its not as if i was never under control, i use to be when i was diagnosed at 7 years old. I was under control for many years til i was about 12 that my diet got changed and i gained a lot of weight. It got out of control as well as my body until one day when i was 15 i went to a nutricionist and she told me i was 5 pounds from being overweight for my height and since that day i think i started to feel terrible about being fat.
Time passed by and i got frustrated even tho i´d exercise i wouldnt get thinner it would drive me crazy and i would cry my eyes out i think it turned into a mental issue and fear, fear of being fat it still is. Finally when i was 19 my mother finally took me to a doctor (nutricionist) that made me lose all that weight i wanted to take off and for the 1st time i felt like myself. It was amazing finally feeling that the person i was on the inside reflected the on the outside. I was happy, what made me lose so much weight? The doctor changed my diet and the amount of insulin units i was inyecting he told me to inyect less more than half the amount. I lost about 40 pounds or more but then it finally clicked in my brain the worst idea of all practiclly a gun to my head i added up 1 + 1 = The less insulin i took the less weight id gain.
After a while I turned diabulimic (The term "diabulimia" has often been used to refer to this life-threatening combination and the unhealthy practice of withholding insulin to manipulate or lose weight). It was my downfall i started not inyecting as much and eating more then what my body could take. For when i hit 21 (years old) i got a ketoasidosis (an acidic buildup in the blood resulting from inadequate insulin levels). I was in intensive care (where they take people who are about to die) for days, by far one of the worst experiences in my life and i wouldnt even wish it apon a enemy, i swore if i made it out of there id never go back to that state of health.
When i got out i started to take a bit more care of myself but not enough and unfortunately for me and my lack of knowlege i was hurting myself. I now suffer from neuropathy it gets anoying at times. But in spite of it all of the good and the bad that´s not what makes me feel so down i feel it´s ironic and i get angry i wanna be healthy i wanna take care but i cant find a way to look the way i want taking care of myself or look the way i want and being healthy i dont wanna hurt myself to look good but i get so down not looking the way i want to it hurts just as much mentally and its terrible i wanna overcome that deamon that makes me feel trapped and not feel bad for the way i look to be healthy.
I know most of you out there probably have it worse than i do, i usually never say anything or complain i lock it all up: my feelings and sadness and its hard, i guess i wanted to let it out for the 1st time and drain the bad a bit and hope someone else can identify and not feel as alone as sometimes most of us do.
Hi Bryly, You're beautiful as you are, unfortunately the media projects unrealistic images for women.. it's ok and normal not to be super thin like the starving models. Have you tried different insulins? I found I was gaining weight on lantus and switched to levemir which I have lost 5 pounds on without changing what I eat. I also eat lo carb which helps control my bg and is supposed to help weight loss and help stop weight gain on insulin. Symlin is another hormone which can help because it stops all those insulin hunger cravings some of us get. I think it's great that you're talking about all of this!
Bryly, I know exactly how you feel and you are not the only one out there! I must first agree with everyone in saying you’re a stunningly beautiful woman, however I know how it feels not to feel beautiful and feel fat even when you’re not. I hated taking insulin in college and thought since it made me gain I would just start throwing up everything and worked out to the point of exhaustion just to try to be thin. I wrecked havoc on my metabolism which made me gain. My blood sugars starting going out of control along with the detrimental affects binge drinking had on me. To say the very least I was spiraling out of control fast. Then it was like a ray of light and hope finally opened up for me. I found what I had always been searching for. As I was in my pit of despair I cried out to God to help me. He pulled me out of the black hole I felt I was in. With much prayer and speaking to a counselor God helped me realize how gorgeous He made me and opened up an entire new world of how to get healthy, speed up my metabolism and loose weight! I couldn’t believe the doors that opened and the knowledge that was poured into me. I’ll never forget how He saved me from my own self and the demons that lurked around me. I’m here if you ever need advice, I’ve been through hell too and came out on top.
Hi and thanks to all who have responded, i´ve been a lil full with work, and i´ve been much better i think i did need to release some of that stuff i wasnt talking about.
Shos: you´re right im so happy im on TuD and thanks for listening or reading im here as well for you.
meee: yes well while that is true, i dont notice as much how media projects but more how i feel comfortable with myself. About the insulin im currently taking levemir and i use to take lantus which i noticed made me gain weight that wasnt the issue when youre diabulimic you dont inject as much insulin and when you start to take more units the body tends to blow up. My diet is low carb as well :) i could look into the hormone you mentioned but im not sure we get that here in VZ.
Alessio: haha i will :) thats what we all must do thanks :)
Elyssia: Thats the great thing about TuD we arent alone, and im glad your doing good now, sometimes we have to go through bad situations to realice that we have to work harder to be healthy and feel good in a positive way. Thanks :)
Hi Bryly, I think symlin may help you if you can try it. unfortunately it makes me nauseaous so I only take the lowest dose and if I don't take it and eat at exactly the right time and get my insulin dose right I can go very hypo during the meal so I'm not taking it as much now and I'm back to being hungry a lot of the time since I haven't been able to times things as well due to lack of time. I don't have diabulimia or eating disorders so it may be harder for me to understand it. I hope you can find a way to treat this, be happy with however you look and so you don't go into dka again :)
