It's tough at first. There are so many changes that need to be made. We don't like to make those particular changes. We all go through periods of denial and anger and bargaining until we hit acceptance. The more practice you get at this, the easier it gets. But you have to stop hating it. Really. This is the hand you've got to play with and you can't pass the diabetes card to someone else. It's here and it's here to stay. Some things you are just going to have to make a habit. Frequently checking BG (unless you've got a CGMS), learning the carb count (it's not that bad -- I'm so lazy it's not funny but I was able to teach myself carb counting), getting a handle on your I:C ratio and your correction factor. Once you have those tools under your belt, it makes things a bit easier.
I've been at this for 33 years. It gets easier. You don't want to give up. Diabetes is a killer but it doesn't do it quickly and without a great deal of suffering for you and your loved ones. Old, blind and on kidney dialisys -- you think things are bad now?
The best way to handle this is to work on adding the healthy behaviors one at a time. The best one to start with is testing your glucose. The more you know about what's going on in there the better. Checking your glucose is a good way to see how things are affecting you. Frequent testing also allows you to catch lows before they become a problem and it can help you bring down highs. Not one of us is perfect at this. Honest. But it's a lifestyle that you adopt. It is very true: your life has changed in a very significant way.
The motivation to care for yourself must come from within. I had some bad habits and I realized that I had to get out of the denial and get a handle on it. It was easier to do than I thought. I would suggest a couple of books for you to read: "Using Insulin" by John Walsh and "Think Like a Pancreas" by Gary Scheiner. When I read Using Insulin I had my come to Jesus moment.
If they have to hospitalize you again because of non-compliance, that's kind of your responsibility. Diabetes isn't an entity, it has no malice, it's not doing everything within its power to destroy your life as you know it. If you want to do a stop-loss, YOU have to do it. That means moderation in all things and management of your condition. No one can do that for you.
Don't compare yourself or your diabetes to anyone else. You certainly can learn from their example as a cautionary tale. But you don't have to emulate that bad behavior.
You ask "when does this all end?" That's up to you. When I was diagnosed they told me that there may be a cure in 10-15 years. I'm 15 years past that and still no cure. You can't wait and hope for a cure. This is a manageable condition. It's chronic, so it's going to be the roommate that never moves out and is a bit needy. It's better if you meet this one head-on. You can beat this back.
A number is just a number. High ones disappoint us, low ones scare us. But we only need to use them as a point of reference for what we need to do next. Soon you will find your numbers being pretty good more often than not. Those victories will build on each other. You need to get some experience under your belt and you need to stop treating the diabetes like it has already killed you.
You aren't alone. You have found TuD. I have learned so much from the other members. If you have a question or a problem, do a search and you will probably find somneone else has crossed that bridge and has gotten a bucket load of different ways of dealing with things. This is a community of people who really are good folk. We are here to cheer you on, we are here to celebrate your victories, and we are here to help get you through the bad times. It's up to you. You can really do this. Honest.
