I haven't been here in a long time. I think I just got tired of investing so much energy into thinking about diabetes. My control has still been okay. I just haven't felt like making it such a large part of my life as I once did.
Anyway, this post doesn't have a lot to do with diabetes, but I've always felt like type 1 defines me a bit and I relate everything to that, and I figure if anyone were to read this, diabetes people might relate best.
Despite this post, I'm a pretty positive person, really. I'm happy and normally don't let health-related issues bother me too much. I'm not having a good day though and I feel like venting, so here I am. Sorry, tudiabetes.
When I was 12 years old my father died of a sudden massive heart attack. He was 38, thin, and seemed healthy. Honestly, I don't know a whole lot about his heart condition other than he had an irregular heart beat and didn't know it. Mark this bit of family history as my statistical failure number 1.
When I was 18, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I was so miserable for months that I was actually relieved when I was diagnosed, and I think this helped shaped my attitude toward the disease. There are no other type 1s in my family, however I've come to learn that my mother's side of my family is riddled with autoimmune diseases. My grandfather and his mother had rheumatoid arthritis, I have cousins with something like crohn's, and aunts with thyroid problems. Statistics fail number 2.
About 4 years ago, my grandfather on my mother's side was diagnosed with melanoma and died within months at age 75. I am a walking freckly mole myself with reddish, blondish hair. The first time I went to the dermatologist, he looked at me in awe. Seriously. Statistical fail 3.
I am and always have been, and let's face it always will be, overweight. I binge eat, it's a bad mental problem, and after realizing very restrictive diets only exacerbate the problem, am currently trying to take it slow with my eating plan. Despite food issues, I do and have for many years exercised regularly. But exercise doesn't do much to battle fat when you eat like an insane person. This gets qualified under poor health statistical markings of my own making, but it counts against me never the less.
Finally, a month or so ago, I get a call from my uncle on my deceased father's side. He has battled many cancers over the years and discovered he has Lynch syndrome (family cancer gene). He has traced it back to his mother's side of the family, and she had battled three cancers herself (I didn't even know this), and several other great-aunts/uncles/etc up the line. Each descendent of someone with the gene has a 50% chance of having it themselves. As my father has been deceased for 20 years, he was never tested.
So I am getting tested for this soon. My genetic testing kit came in the mail last week, and I will likely go into the lab next week and ship it back to these people (located out of state where my uncle lives) to complete the test.
People with Lynch syndrome have and 80% chance of getting colon cancer at some point. 80% is a ■■■■■■ number. There are a ton of other cancers associated with it as well. Yay.
Now fast-forward to today. For whatever reason, I noticed a mole on my stomach looking larger and weird. This mole has been there a while, but I don't recall it looking like this. It fits all of the melanoma ABCDEs to a T. How did I not notice its irregularity before now? On the other hand, how can I possibly keep track of all my moles? Ugh. I've already made an appointment to get it checked out tomorrow afternoon.
But honestly I'm freaking out. I feel like I'm destained to fail at staying alive. I feel like I'm destained to become a pitiful statistic due to all of my risks and that there's really not a whole lot I can do about it. Or at the very least that what time I do have available on this earth will be spent being tested for all my health risks.
Logically, I know there's worse out there. I know I'm not diagnosed with anything yet, and even if I am, statistics might actually point to me catching it early enough. These things aren't really helping right now.
Diabetes, I can deal with. It's an old ■■■■■■ friend I'm comfortable with. Cancer scares the pants off of me. I don't know if I can handle that. But it's pointing more and more toward being inevitable.
Okay, pity party over. Thanks for reading.