I have diabetes

...and it's only taken me 24 years to realize this (sarcasm intended).

I was diagnosed with T1 in October of 1988 at the age of 2. I took shots for 10 years and have had a pump for 14 years. I have battled various eating disorders, depression, a quest at perfectionism, childhood,teenage years, college, etc, but I have never "battled" diabetes, because I've never admitted to myself that I have it.

Therefore, although I know how to use my pump, I haven't. Although I generally know how to count carbs, I haven't. I have however seen endos regularly, some who were encouraging, some who saw me as a lost cause.

I HAVE NEVER HAD A HbA1c LESS THAN 8. In fact, my A1c has regularly been sitting between 9.5 and 14 for the the last 15 years. I have been dodging bullets my entire life. But 1 month ago, I admitted to myself that I have diabetes. Although this may sound crazy to some of you, it was life changing for me. This has been the longest year, especially month, of my life. Keeping my sugar at 350 was much easier than keeping it at 100, something my body knows nothing about. I've checked my sugar 84 times in the last 15 days and had only 19 above 200 (4 of them on Thanksgiving)...Previously a foreign experience.

I'm learning how to really count carbs with my dieticien, checking a minimum of six times a day, learning how meds and alcohol, and a lack of sleep can all send numbers higher. A lot of tears, a lot of doctors, a lot of therapy. A LOT of reading what you all write on this site for hope, encouragement, questions, inspiration etc as well as Pumping Insulin, Diabetes for Dummies, and Cheating Destiny.

This honestly has been the most difficult acknowledgement of my life. I know that I will not continue to dodge bullets much longer. Kidneys, Choloesterol, Blood Pressure, Eyes have all been normal. My nephrologist regularly reminds me that he would expect me to have kidney failure by now... Anyway I'm venting but I can't wait to see the benefits of this work, because it has been HARD.

All of you guys are the best. Please don't ever doubt the inspiration that you are giving, particularly for a life-long HARD-HEADED person like myself.

KUDOS to you !! Staying under 200 is awesome. Keep it up.

Of course, keep up the progress, not your BG..

I want to thank you for posting this. I have fought anxiety and depression for about 14 years or so now myself, and am preparing to meet with a new Dr about this. Recently been diagnosed with retinopathy, and I think that has been a wake up call. I am still having days where I get fed up and throw it to the wind. Staying on track for me is difficult, and I attribute that to my depression, which hopefully this new Dr can work through with me. So again, thanks, and you're not the only one fighting this...

soo glad you have come to acceptance, once you get into this flow you will find it is much easier than battling your 'oppressor'. be proud of every healthy decision and move forward moment by moment, bolus by bolus, this is the only body you will get..your spirit is stronger and more powerful than your body let your spirit guide you to befriend your body and with all of its frailty and 'disease'. you are so much more than your diabetes..if you learn to control it it will become smaller not bigger. best wishes. amy

Kudos to you not only for staying under 200 but for finally owning your D. That is really the first step in getting and staying healthy. I have had D since I was 14 which was 37+ years ago and really only within the last year have I owned it. Sure there were times during the 37 years when my control was excellent, especially during my pregnancy because I really didn't have a choice if I wanted a healthy baby. But the rest of the years I just coasted. I have never had a pump and have been on at the start 1 shot of lente insulin a day to now 5 or 6 shots of insulin a day. My A1C's must have been horrendous in the early years, but I don't know if they actually had that test back then, so I don't know what they were. Until very recently I have been between 7 and 8.5 every single visit to the endo. It took a nearly life ending hypo to finally wake me up and realize if I didn't take control I would end up dead or worse with some horrible complication that I could have avoided.
And yes this year has been very hard. But wow the rewards are life changing. In November of 2011 my A1C was 7.5, in May of 2012 it was 6.1. I am going to the endo on Thursday and expect it will be in the 6's. I feel great, I am no longer afraid to check my blood sugar because I pretty much know what it will be. The emotional roller coaster that goes with the blood sugar roller coaster is now straight and level and no longer causing the wild swings which contributed to the depression and anxiety. I lost 22 pounds and it wasn't that hard, just diet and exercise - who knew ? lol
I got a Dexcom CGM system in November and that too has been life changing. I am no longer afraid to go to bed. I can watch what exercise does to my blood sugar, literally as I am exercising.
I saw my opthalmologist yesterday. He said my retinas are perfect with no signs of D. That made me very happy.
I'm fairly certain that as much of a wake up call the hypo was, I would not have come as far as I did without the support of TuD. Thank you for posting and continued success as you work hard to own it.

Wow! I have told my docs forever that I am still in denial. I was totally shocked when my doc told me my a1c was 7.2 last month but it’s not due to consistent sugars it’s due to hi and low combined. Or maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. I’m not sure. I did do very well last month which probably influenced it but that’s just not the norm for me and it didn’t last. I’ve fallen into a depression and I can’t get out. When I get depressed my diabetes gets worse. But I unfortunately did not dodge the bullet, I have a lot of complications. This year is going to be different though. I come on here regularly and read the posts and blogs. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks for this post!

I’ve been in denial for 29 years