Guilt - Every time I stray just a little and try to be a normal human being, I have this immense feeling of guilt that I’m dooming myself. Like when I fail to test exactly 2 hours after eating or when I forget to bolus or when I skip that first morning test because I’m rushing to get to work. Guilt, guilt, guilt! I hate it.
Lows - I. Hate. Lows. They make me feel horrible, I can’t talk right, and I get so confused and disoriented. And then I get weepy and sad and I hate that even more. I’m always scared a bad low is going to strike at work, so I intentionally run high sometimes. Which my endo hates. But it gets me through the day.
Stuff - This disease comes with a lot of stuff. I always have to carry around a huge purse, because I need back-up insulin, extra infusion sets, my meter, glucagon, etc. By the time I pack all my D supplies, I hardly have any room left for the normal day-to-day things!
Fear - Diabetes makes you fear not only the day to day fluctuations in blood sugars (see: Lows) but also the every-looming threat of complications. Or the threat that complications you already have will get worse. Doing a simple thing like trying to make career plans is overshadowed by the reality that I might not be able to work in 5 or 10 years because of said complications.
Lonliness - No matter how good of a support system you have (spouses, parents, friends, family), it’s really hard for non-T1s to understand what you go through each day. I often feel really, really alone in dealing with this. Sometimes I want to move to an island where it’s only T1s, an island filled with a never-ending supply of insulin, test strips, and sugar-free/carb-free candy.
Time - I hate how diabetes takes away so much time from my life. Sitting in doctors’ offices, testing, getting to appointments, changing my infusion set…all of these things add up and I feel like I lose so much time to this disease. Time when I could be off doing something fun or more productive.
Health care - I hate how diabetes has made me hate health care. I know I have it good (good insurance, ability to get whatever I need, etc), but I hate how I lose about $300-$400 each month to copays for things that I need just to survive. I hate how I have to spend so much TIME on the phone with my insurance company.
Needles - No matter how long you have D, the needles always hurt. You don’t get used to making yourself a human pincushion, no matter what you tell people when they ask. It. Always. Hurts.
Burden - I always feel like I’m a burden on those around me. I hate feeling like people have to worry about me. I really, really hate that.
Life - I hate that diabetes gets in the way of life so much. That I have to take it into consideration when planning each and every little moment in my life, whether that is traveling or just making a trip to the freaking grocery store. I have to think about it when I sleep, when I’m away, when I’m cleaning the house. It’s just always there.
I hope what I might say, helps the burden that you might be feeling?
I was 16 when I got diabetes, hold on beep beep beep It was warning me that I have a 200, whatever, I am used to it, had a 450 other day, and not to mention the consistent lows that I have, like last night was around 40. I dont feel the highs or lows AT ALL! I guess thats why I have a sensor now?
But when I got it I was 16 years old, and learning to fly planes, with an instructor, then after 20 hours with an instructor, I would be doing 20 hours solo. I wanted to join the airforce, or just be an jetliner transporter. BUT, I can’t have diabetes and fly, if I do it would have to be very much in control. Can’t be checking your sugar mid flight during a thunderstorm, or?
I dont think I EVER checked my BS 2 hours after I ate, NEVER!
STUFF- I have a 2 draw little whatever ya wana call it, filled with everything, from test strips , glucagon pen, etc. Then at least you are sure where everything is!
FEAR, Have you ever read THE SECRET? It has to do with OUR universe having vibes throughout it, just waiting to be grasped. The universe is just waiting for a command, like Aladin who says,“Your wish is my command” I know right now would be a hard time to make wishes to the universe, but believe in positiveness. It works!
For example, I was working at a wholesale distributor, and they werre having a Christmas party with a drawing. I turned to a lady and said, “I am going to win something in the drawing, it might be a pair of wigwams, but I will win something” Right then my numer got called out and I won a Sony DVD player:)
Lonliness- Tell me about it, NO-ONE understands, you have to understand that whichever kind of reactions you get from others, just let it go into one ear and out the other, or just nod to them, yes them to death, and deal with what your problem is right then, and forget about them, it is your time!
I hope you understand that being so critical of yourself and your BS, will not get you to furthur progression. Yes, you will have lows, and yes you will have highs, which there is always a way to correct them, I kinda like lows, because then I can eat something scrumptious:)
I hope this helped somewhat, and dont engulf yourself with so much worriment with it! I don’t, just live YOUR LIFE! And have fun with whatever you do.
Oh by the way, I am a miracle some say after being in a very bad car accident 81101, coma, eye surgery, abdomin surgery, wheelchair, walker, cane, etc, a lot:) But always stay positive, no matter how rough the seas of life become!