Last time I wrote An Understanding. That was a walk-thru for a pretty average day for me... Hmmm, let's see... February 1970 to today is just about 14,700 days just like that one. In a row. No breaks, vacations or hiatus's (hiatusi?) in there anywhere.
Granted, I didn't worry as much about it when I was a youngin', but it was still on my mind. Some days were better than others, some worse. What complications would I get? When would I get them? Would I have a life past high school?
I wrote about the answers I need on a daily basis last time, but how do I get those answers?. Glucose testing 8 or more times a day, everyday. Watching my carb intake on every single bite I take, every day. Tracking my insulin doses, every day. Keeping track of all that info, every day. Watching, waiting for the signs of some inevitable complication, every day.
Knowing that tomorrow will be the same, and the day after, and the day after.
Think about that while we consider that 14,700 day number from the other end. From February 1970 to god knows when. Forever. When will it end? In honesty, it will only end when I do.
How can I do that day-in day-out forever? Why should I even bother? What type of life will I have at the end of this road? Will I have kids? Will my kidneys keep working? Will I get to see them grow up? Will I go blind? See my
grandkids? Am I going to loose my feet? The stories of others who have eventually succumbed, will I be one of those stories some day?
While I'm doing all that crap that I do every single day, those thoughts are always in the back of my mind, pressuring me to quit, challenging my resolve. Always gnawing away at my hope, my strength, draining me.
Forever. When will it end? It will only end when I do.
I try to protect my children as much as possible from those thoughts. That's just not really possible, of course, with the media and all of society's stereo-types that are out there. How much will they worry? What will they
worry about? Will it effect them in years to come? Will they become diabetic? Will they have to walk the path I've walked? Will they do better than I? Will they give thier kids a better life than I was able to give them?
Forever. When will it end? It will only end when I do.
Tomorrow is another day, another 8 finger sticks, 100 carbs counted, more results recorded, a thousand scenarios getting played in my head about the day and the future.
Forever. When will it end? It will only end when I do.
Sounds grim doesn't it? A life of constant stress and worry. Why do I bother you ask? Because I want to watch my kids grow and have kids of thier own. Becase I believe I can make my little corner of Kansas a better place. Because I am not defined by a physical condition. I am defined by the actions I take as I go thru life with my family, friends. Because I am just too stubborn or too stupid to quit.
Forever. When will it end? It will only end when I do.
Forever, yes. But I end it now. I will do the best I can today, everyday. The future is going to have to take care of itself from now on. I'll have the best future I can have if I can do the best I can today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow.
Forever today, until I end.
But when will ...?