Another Love Post

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This was originally posted to my blog, Diabetes Odyssey.

Today is my wedding anniversary. My husband and I were married in 1999. I’ve written a lot in past posts about my husband and how much he has been there for me. In my life there are two main things, my husband and my diabetes. My husband is so important by choice, my diabetes simply because it is my lot in life.

It’s no secret to my regular readers that diabetes has ripped me a new one emotionally my entire life. It’s torn me up on every level. It’s also no secret to my regular readers how much stronger my husband has helped me to be. He’s helped me to face this disease and work to overcome it.

He’s my rock.

I admire those diabetics that do not have significant others. Those that rely solely on themselves for care of all kinds. That’s real strength right there. I could survive just fine with the physical and mental stuff, but emotionally I need someone to lean on, someone to share with, someone to talk to, someone to hold me when I cry and let me know I’m not alone and everything will be OK. And this is why I am so grateful for my husband. I am quite aware that you do not need a lover for these things, and sometimes even if you do they just aren’t supportive. But this is where I found my support.

There was a time a couple years ago when I had just recovered, and in some ways still was recovering, from heart surgery. I was experiencing severely low blood sugars in the middle of the nights. Every single time my husband would wake up and know from my subtle twitches and vocal grunts that I was having a low. He would jump out of bed and get right to work treating me.

On more than one occasion, in my altered mental state I would begin to cry, I mean really bawl. I would panic and worry and cry over the most random things. Most of the time my husband wouldn’t quite be able to follow my logic and understand my words, but he knew I wasn’t in my right mind anyway and he would just speak calmly and stay on the task of getting me to eat.

I do remember on two occasions though, as I was coming out of my lows I still had the thoughts and feelings I had been crying about. You know what they were? I was frightened that my husband didn’t love me anymore. I was worried he’d had enough of dealing with my diabetes and was going to leave me. I felt guilty and ashamed for dragging him into my messed up life and condemning him to a life of having to take care of, and pay for, a type 1 diabetic. And I was sorry I was going to die first and leave him all alone.

If he ever did understand what I was saying and crying about in these hypo fits, he’s never mentioned it.

I have told him while in my right mind, though, that I’m sorry he has to go through all of this. He’s always said he loves me and would go through anything with me. He hasn’t lied about how frightening it is when I have a hypo, or end up in the hospital for any number of reasons. He worries all the time.

But the thing about true love is that no matter how much ■■■■ you end up in, you’d never want to be anywhere else if it meant not being there with your love.

One reason I try so hard to be healthy is so that I can relieve some of the stress on my husband’s shoulders (this is why I got my CGM). If I’m healthy, then he has less to worry about. If I didn’t have him to worry about me, and I didn’t love him so much, then I wouldn’t try so hard to be healthy.

because gods know I don’t give a ■■■■ about myself…

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Well said. Your husband is a keeper! I’m a single man but I’ve adapted to taking care of things myself, even emotionally. Another person would be great to share of this but it has to be the right person. It does take love for your husband to do what needs to be done. And I’m sure your husband enjoys your love as well.

I share some of my diabetes emotional burden with my hypo-alert dog. He’s the first dog I’ve ever had and I’m continually amazed how well he helps me.

Nice post!

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He sounds like wonderful companion, I think you should keep him! Like Terry, I go it alone. Soon after divorce I realized the danger of overnight lows and went on the pump and have avoided them for the last 12 years. May you and your husband live long and prosper… :smile:

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some people might just be more emotionally independent by nature, but i’m sure not one. i stick to someone like glue. if i weren’t with my husband, i would need to be deeply, emotionally involved in some endeavor or actively trying to find someone else. if at the end i’m in a good ole nursing home, i’ll be bugging the employees about their lives, giving advice, trying to help, and just being an all around pain in the butt.

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Hi @Tamra11,

Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to share what you did. I applaud you! It means you can be honest with yourself and your relationships.
My husband and I have been married for a little over 10 years. When we married, we were pretty young, 22 and 23, just finishing college. We were both healthy and honestly it seemed as if, since we took such good care of each other and ourselves, that we wouldn’t get sick. A couple weeks before our 6th wedding anniversary, after the birth of our 2nd child, 1st daughter, I was diagnosed. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was in early stages of DKA and knew my body was slowly dying. I look back now and know that God protected me from so many horrible things that could have happened. I could have died but didn’t. At the time, my husband was in the process of becoming an EMT through his job. He suspected something terribly wrong with my health but didn’t have the full education and some experience to put the pieces together. He didn’t marry me with diabetes.
I’ve felt many of the same things you shared. My husband works for the government, which means his job pays really well when we aren’t in a shut down mode. He is my sugar daddy. :smile: We joke about that too. He gets the best benefits. He is an EMT, ok when I’m sick he gives me IVs to rehydrate me to help me recover faster. I am totally taken care! We talk openly and honestly about issues that bug us. It bothers him I have to see so many doctors but he gets it. He is also human. It bothers him that I was so healthy before and now I have so many health issues. He also gets that none of this is my fault. Its not fair right! We both feel like that sometimes.
My medical expenses bother him sometimes, heck it bothers me too, but he shares to get it off his chest, not to make me feel bad. Our marriage sucks sometimes, but we are committed to being there for each other. We made a choice to when we married.
When we get married, we pledge and take an oath so to speak, to be there for each other when we are sick or healthy, poor or rich. I firmly believe that love is a choice. I may not be “in love” with my husband all the time but I know our bond, our connection is love and it has a deep foundation. My husband and I have been through some tough **** together and we have endured it to become better on the other end together. What is so unexplainable is that my health issues have made him a more patient and better person. My husband has other issues and those experiences have made me a more patient person. We are still in the process of becoming the better versions of ourselves for each other.

Practically speaking, I’ve shielded my husband from a lot of the basic diabetic stuff because he doesn’t need to know everything. This has protected him from some responsibility. Although, I’m fairly independent at times, when I’m really in trouble and need help, he helps me because he knows how to handle my illness. We set up an unwritten plan in place about a year after I was diagnosed. He knows my meds, my medical status, he carries glucogon with him too. I take care of myself for all the mundane, day to day stuff and If I need his help, I ask him. Its like a password or cry for help. He never fails to take that responsibility off my shoulders when I am most in need. I feel like this is a good boundary for us to help him not resent me in the long run. I share doctors appts with him, I update him, thats my responsibility to him so when I really need him to be Superman, he jumps in and can save the day. This has worked really well for us.
I also work tirelessly to stay healthy for him and my kids. Heck, I want to live a long life! I’m determined to not let diabetes get my life.
The thing is, your husband loves you even if you didn’t try so hard to stay healthy. Don’t try so hard to earn his love, he loves you anyway.
Have you ever tried to talk to him about these things? It might help take some load off your shoulders. Goodness knows we don’t need the extra stress. :wink: I say this because talking about these things can loosen tension and could bring you two closer together. I’ve also seen a counselor to get a lot of these feelings off my chest. That professional helped me to communication in a healthy way my feelings, expectations, etc etc to my husband. It really helped us to work together.

Thank you so much for sharing. You are a brave woman! Keep up all the hard work.
Busybee

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Thanks for sharing. Yes, my hubby and I talk openly about everything. It wasn’t always that way but we both have learned that neither of us are mind readers and if we just talk then we can be there for each other. :slight_smile:

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Tears @Tamra11, tears. I am crying tears because it moves me to hear of the depths of love and caring, the depth of connection that you have with your husband.

I do have a question/comment. Why don’t you give a xxxx about yourself? I believe that in order for others to truly love us and in order for us to truly love someone else, we have to love ourselves. One thing I have been thinking about for a long time now on TuD, is this concept of “Diabetes as Evil”, or “Diabetes is my Foe”. For me, I have accepted that diabetes is a part of me, and I can’t hate diabetes without hating myself and creating a dissonance within my essence. Therefore, I reason that diabetes is an integral part of me, just like my skin, my eyes, my lungs, my heart. I have to try and take care of my diabetes as best as I can. Some days are clearly better than others, but each moment of each day presents me with an opportunity to take care.

Again, for me, I inadvertently learned that it is best to be able to manage this disease on my own, even though I am married to a wonderful spouse who cares very deeply for me.

Thank you for sharing, thank you for the tears. I hope to thank you for the smiles in the future.

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I get your logic and it makes sense. For me, I can easily divorce the diabetes part of my nature and use it motivationally. I don’t hate myself! I know that diabetes is an integral part of my life but I have no problem separating that from the “real” me. It’s a paradox, I know.

My personality just gets right with it and takes care of business when I am under attack from a foe. This mindset works for me and I don’t see any downside. I’m plenty generous with myself when I don’t play well on the diabetes field. I’ve been playing this game a long time and I accept the inherent failures I know I’ve made and will make. This very nature of the uncertainty of winning makes victory for me even sweeter. Diabetes is an awesome force and I take great pride when I can defeat it. It’s what gets me up for the next effort.

There’s no right or wrong for how to philosophically construe this struggle. I say, whatever works for you, use it!

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For me it has nothing to do with diabetes. From the moment I was born I’ve always thought and felt I was worthless. Even though I was raised and loved by wonderful parents and a wonderful family, it’s just the way I’m wired I guess. I know it’s irrational and untrue, but I just have never felt or seen within myself anything worthy of love or caring. I get plenty of love and caring and respect from others, but I just can’t muster it for myself. I give plenty, I love so many people, just not myself.

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Tamra, your post brought tears just now, tears of happiness and gratitude for the support and care so many of us receive from our spouses and partners. My husband, too, has been a rock theough it all and has encouraged (and pushed!) to do more and live fully. Today he is having some pretty serious surgery and I am so glad to be his rock and support team for a change…and that I have the strength and energy to do it. Many thanks for your post!

PS I just saw this response to YogaO and am sending you a big hug!! :blossom:

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I hope his surgery goes well and he recovers fully and quickly.

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Thank you!

12/05: The surgery took longer than predicted but overall went well. Slow recovery ahead–my turn to help him keep focused and looking forward. :slightly_smiling_face:

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i’m not challenging you, i’m just trying to understand because i am curious. people who write blogs usually don’t think of themselves as worthless. they believe they have something valuable to share, so they write it for all to see. i would think that people who feel worthless wouldn’t feel like anyone would really care what they had to say. also, people who feel worthless usually take all kinds of crap from other people and don’t stand up for themselves since they figure they probably somehow deserved it or they won’t find better treatment anyway. you don’t strike me as that kind of person.

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I kind of am and kind of am not. One interesting thing in life is that nothing is all black and white. I know the difference between what is true and what is just what I feel. I know I am worthy of love, I know I am intelligent and have plenty to give that can benefit others, but I* feel* worthless, I feel I can never succeed at anything, I feel that no one cares and that I am not worthy of anything good in life.

I choose to do my best to follow the truth and not give in to the nagging feelings I’ve always lived with. My dad was the same way. He always felt he wasn’t good enough and wasn’t worthy of love or success. Even though he knew differently and his family and career and overall life proved his feelings wrong at every turn. He still couldn’t shake the feelings. And I obviously have inherited this -as well as type 1- from him.

I write my blog for two reasons, one is that I care about other people and do not want them to end up the way I have from not caring for their diabetes. This has nothing to do with how I feel about myself, it’s how I feel about others. Every single time I write a post and am about to push the “post” button the first and most powerful thought that goes through my mind and heart is that no one cares, no one wants to read this, everyone probably rolls their eyes in annoyance from yet another stupid blog post from Tamra. But I do it anyway because I know these are just false thoughts and feelings. The truth is that even if there is one person out there that appreciates my blog then I’ve done good.

The other reason is that I need the therapeutic properties of writing, getting it all out. No matter who does or doesn’t read it, it helps me to get it out and put it all into perspective. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t help me to learn to care about myself… :smile:

It’s just like diabetes. Feelings of worthlessness and not being able to love myself are just another struggle I have to overcome everyday. And most days I do OK. :smile:

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i am understanding more from your reply. i think there are degrees of the feelings you feel that many people might feel to one degree or another. my sister is a research scientist who is a workaholic. she says she feels more worthy in direct proportion to how successful she is at work. she will work herself to sickness and neglect her husband and children (especially when they were young), to try to hold on to that feeling of being valuable.

sometimes i have that feeling in that i am not as valuable unless i am doing something that helps the world in some way. it’s not enough for me to just be happy and love my family and enjoy my work- i need to feel it is making an impact, otherwise why am i on the planet? i think this feeling i have is similar to your feeling. we need to try to feel satisfied and valuable without it being tied to proving ourselves.

in Taiwan when i lived there, i often noticed that people who were not striving for success were much more genuine and less neurotic/fake/sneaky. even though these people were less financially successful, it seemed that they had more peace of mind- maybe because they weren’t constantly trying to fight off feelings of worthlessness. this is a broad generalization, i know. but i have felt this in the US as well.

anyway, i just wanted to explore this topic more in depth, and your reply is much appreciated.

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I totally agree with you. I just wish I knew where my feelings come from. They are always there, no matter what.

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I know a counselor who likes to say that we are all human beings, not human “doings”. Our culture is so geared toward professions, salaries, milestones, and accomplishments that it’s easy to forget that we are first and foremost beings who can give and receive love. We exchange a lot of information and ideas here on TuD but even more important is the compassion and kindness members have for one another. Namaste!

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