Chasing...even 34 years in

Last night was terrible.

I have been on the CGM to sort of offset the 20 blood sugars I usually took a day to ensure I was within range. My background retinopathy is at such a point that it seems any deviations above 240 or below 60 cause issues with ischemic spots forming in my eyes.

I am so burned out. Certainly something we have all experienced.

Last night I barely slept. I got up with my Dex beeping at every low and high...I rebounded for 8 hours...only with my fear of damage did I manage to keep the highs at 180 and the lows at 68... barely making the razor edge I walk to avoid further damage.

I realize I did it wrong. I exercised earlier and got low...then compensated with food and was ok for a little while, but the exercise crept back in and made me not able to get above 65-75 for hours before bed. I drank juice, 4 oz and shot right up to 200. then I freak out, give myself 4 units and then watch as the Dex lets me know I am now going down fast.

It is like chasing the wind sometimes. And I know when I am in the middle of it, that I have allowed my extreme fear of eye issues to make me over treat in either direction.

It is not like I do this all the time... in fact most of the day I am a nice slow even arc on the Dex, but when factors like exercise and not eating enough or overcompensation come in the mix, I revert to a newbie and get scared of not doing it right, and not do it right.

Anyway I hate that all my posts as of late like such a downer, I guess the sudden change in my eyes and the tiny road I have to navigate to avoid it getting worse has really given me an emotional beating I am trying to get through. I KNOW I can do this...I have before, but this path of lowering my A1c and getting in tighter control, and really having more complications from it, just feels like a cosmic joke.

Long road behind me, and I hope an equally long one ahead, but just one that I can try to even out and become more at peace with.

Some days it just totally sucks. You gotta say it because it helps. And saying it here helps because your friends just don’t get it, they can’t. Hang in there.

How I hate those straight up arrows and straight down arrows on my Dex. My heart sinks into the pit of my stomach when I see them.

Don't beat yourself up when you know you're trying your best. I'm hoping you're having a better day today. :)

;-) is a little better. Not perfect, but better.