Do you always eat together with your friends and family?

[Mika]

Wow… your numbers were like mine 2 years. I was misdiagnosed as T2 and it was only after DKA coma, ICU and hospital stay that they finally got around and retested and rediagnosed me as LADA.

After being hospitalized, and almost losing my kidneys, my perspective changed fast.

For my eating patterns: I’ve been assorted versions of vegetarian for decades for ethical reasons. The past decade or so, I’ve eaten fish and chicken. Cheese has always been my ethical downfall. So. Much. Yum.

With COVID, I’ve only tried eating out once a year ago with close-friends at a restaurant. I was on strict zero salt/low carb restrictions so it was a “grilled chicken Cesar salad” with no salt on the meat, no dressing, no croutons. Essentially, romaine lettuce and dry chicken. And, then eating under a mask? Ummm… was not the best of times.

Since then, my numbers are great across the board and I’m retooling my approach to food—which has always been unhealthy.

I tried the low carb approach and ate way too much meat for my personal ethics and enjoyment, but stayed in the low insulin dosage I thought I was supposed to stay in according to the instructions I received from the diabetic care team.

I was sharing with a friend about a year ago how I could only eat 72 grams of apple without going over my insulin usage I was prescribed.

I was soooo miserable.

They asked why was i doing that to myself?

There’s no one approach. And, the healthcare teams are not infallible. Often, they’re wrong as in my case twice.

I learned from people here that everyone is different. You need to learn what works for you. What foods work. What timing works. What you need to make a long-term plan.

For me, I had to learn to say that the amount they prescribed (for when I was in the hospital and couldn’t eat food) was not the correct amount for my needs.

That was my first step in taking control of my health decisions.

Went to adjusting my insulin to covering the higher carb foods I enjoy— apples, blueberries, carrots, all my delicious veggies— but kept eating high cholesterol foods like eggs instead of beans, legumes or tofu.

Now, I’m onto the next step…

My most recent testing came back saying my kidneys are once again perfect and healthy after being told I’d have to be on dialysis. One experience? Was not fun at all.

My cholesterol is the highest it’s ever been. According to my Endo, it’s a good number.

For me— I’ve got to make some more tweaks to be where I want to be as I don’t want to add another drug into my care at my age.

So…

This is a long way to say that as time progresses, you need to learn what you need to do for you and your life goals.

It’s not your partners’ life. It’s yours.

You may decide to adjust your timing and eating as I did as you gain more understanding of your food triggers. (Corn meal is worse than a bag of sugar for me. Edamame is like eating jelly beans. Coleslaw I make, tho, is an all you can eat buffet.)

You may decide that you can adjust your meds and eating during the time you see your partner and your TIR is just fine…

But, the larger question is not medical or food, rather: do you want to be with a partner who thinks only of themself and doesn’t try to accommodate your needs or at least work towards a mutual consensus.

That’s a you question…

[dogramma]

Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. It helps to be flexible. There are often many different ways to make it work at different times and places.

[matt_l]

@Mika @Marie20 thank you so much for the thoughtful replies.

This whole process is new for me. It’s been only a year and because I’ve been staying home mostly, and while it’s been great for being able to control how I eat, I haven’t had so many opportunities to have to change my diet much. I was in a very unhealthy place and I really don’t want to go back there.
That being said, you both are correct to say that it’s my problem to solve and create the limits I feel comfortable to have. My problem is not and hasn’t been so far with people eating what I cannot have, but it’s more the willingness to be with me when I can eat.

[Rob5]

My wife is a vegetarian while I am anything but that. I’m diabetic and she isn’t. We eat essentially every meal together and get along as well as anyone who’s been married 52 years. She cooks and eats what wants and for the most part cooks what I want (she says it protects her kitchen from becoming a shambles). My contribution (all 52 years) is that I wash the dishes. As with every successful relationship, compromise is key. She calls it “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine” but lets me win occasionally.

[pstud123]

I guess I was lucky . I was an adult, nearly 30 and living alone when I was diagnosed . By that time everyone I knew was an adult and we treated each other with common courtesy and respect.

I do get together with other members of my parents extended family and we eat together . There’s enough age and health diversity in that large group that none of us are on exactly the same diet .

Some of the people are seen so infrequently that no one knows exactly what diet or activity restrictions they might have that day. So while we may be presented with “a dinner”, we’ve all learned to bring the special things we need with us, bring a special dish that others may share if they wish to, We serve ourselves of the items offered. If we decline something, NO one asks “want more?” or “why aren’t you eating x?”, because it’s rude.

You have several challenges. The hardest one is fully accepting that you ARE different from what you were and from most of your friends. If you don’t embrace that, they won’t, and you will suffer needlessly. You need to learn to be assertive without being unpleasant. That means asking for what you need, saying “No” to what you can’t have, and staying firm. Don’t give in. Don’t use it as an excuse. Never apologize for having diabetes. It wasn’t a choice.

If someone persists in denying what you need or won’t take no for an answer - they are NOT your friend. It’s not questionable whether a family member who acts this way loves you. They don’t. They don’t respect you.

When your health is at stake, you can not afford to associate with anyone who won’t treat you with common courtesy. There are more than 7 billion other people who don’t know you yet. If you look, you will find new supportive friends and create a new family.

[Ray36]

I don’t eat the same thing at the same time as others, really. I tried eating different foods at the same time as others in the beginning of my diabetes life, but it meant eating when high because they were all sitting down to eat and my blood sugars had suddenly decided to have a party, for example. I also didn’t appreciate the constant questioning of my food and comparing it to everyone else’s, especially since people have a lot of false ideas about what diabetes and our diets mean. If I was eating vegetables, people felt insecure and then took it out on me, well meaning or not. Now, especially with my other conditions under my belt, I just calmly sit down and chat their ears off about other subjects, happy to just have people around, and eat on my own. It really wasn’t the done thing, but I just had to do it, and I don’t regret my choice. Drinking something while they eat out of a big vessel, like a big mug or glass of tea, seems to put people at ease. Perhaps this could help?

Now, onto your SO: If I’m going to be eating where others are nearby, even if they’re not eating at the same time, I make a bit of an effort to not have things someone is allergic to or struggling with. So, if a person who’s had a heart attack has said he’s struggling not to eat salty food, I’m not gonna nosh on salty popcorn while we are watching the game. If someone is allergic to tomatoes, I’m not going to eat pasta with red sauce while they’re over. If a friend has a new diagnosis, I just keep it in mind even more. It usually doesn’t take much effort. So, unless the person you’re seeing has a medical issue, I’d say they should handle it by being more accommodating. You’re new to this. If it had been a long time since your diagnosis, maybe it’d be different.

[matt_l]

@Ray36 @pstud123

Thanks for the replies!
I’ll try to keep all of this into consideration when we see each other. It’s weird how people react to others’ problems. As I also have been accomodating of others’ needs, today being on the receiving end everything has a different ring to it.