Feeling out of control

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1

Let me start by saying I have never been one to be dedicated 100% to managing my Diabetes. Up until 3 years ago. Now, heading into my 11 yr anniversary, I wish I could go back in time and have a redo.

My most recent A1c was 7.4. Not good for someone who is hoping to have a baby!

I have my appointment with the scary eye doctor tomorrow to check my progress with Retinopathy. I am sooooo nervous it's gotten worse. It is currently Non-Proliferative, which I guess is good, as I was told I didn't need treatment 6 months ago.

The thing is, I always feel like I am doing well. Beside the days when I don't count carbs right, or are having ridiculous hormone spikes (which seem to last most of the month) or I am crazy low out of the blue. The I:C ratio during the week has to me different on the weekend and my basal also has to be adjusted lower when I work. It's like I can't catch a break.

I'd like to go on a CGM in the hopes that I can get some sort of clue as to what is going on, but when I had one for the weekend per my CDE it offered no clue. I occasionally see her for 6 weeks at a time to get things in order and I will leave with her feeling 100% that she "fixed me up" and show up the following week to her saying "are you kidding me? I really thought we had it."

At some point every day I feel out of control of everything, when it's usually just this thing I can't ignore or not stress about. I have a friend who is also T1 and thinks 235 is a perfectly normal BS. I feel 160 is bad so I know it could be worse.

Also, the stress I feel right now is not helping my BS. I have the sinking feeling that I might be pregnant. It is too early to take a test, and I am just not sure how I feel about that. I want to be. I don't want to be. Can we afford it if I am out of work due to complications. Can we afford a full maternity leave if I don't have enough time banked at work. I have a really great boss and amazing human resource manager who has assured me they would do whatever was needed to stretch my time. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I also HATE being the girl people feel bad for. I get that a lot. It stinks. I always tell people "Don't feel bad for me, I don't. I just do what I gotta do." The truth is though, I feel bad for me everyday. I also don't open up a lot about how I feel and that brings posts like this to fruition.

I actually feel a little better writing it down in a place where people get that I can feel bad,I can and need to do this from time to time just to let it out,and I won't feel judged. For that, I thank you all....

2

Tracy, it's interesting that you bring up a couple of topics here. First, you're feeling of sub-par diabetes control (yours, honestly, isn't so bad. I was a 7.3 at my last A1C check; not too pleased with it, but I've seen worse!!). Well, you're in the right place for that. This isn't where you get people just feeling bad for you, but making an honest-to-goodness effort to help.

Second, you discuss the possibility of being pregnant, and the uncertainty of wanting to be. Well, I can tell you that when my wife first became pregnant, that was the kick in the pants for me to take better care of myself -- not for me, but for my new child. It's when I started using the pump and lowered my A1C by a full point, because I wanted to be here for my child for a long time. (After that 7.3, I'm on a second renewed kick to do better!) Obviously it's different for a man, since I wasn't carrying the baby, but it was still a big motivational push. I suggest, if you haven't already, look at the "Oh Baby!" group here on TuDiabetes, and go back and read some of Kerri's blog posts at www.sixuntilme.com from Mid 2009 to 2010 as she described some of her challenges of being pregnant with diabetes. (Oh, and by the way, she also has real-life challenges that throw her blood sugars out of whack and is hardly the poster-girl for ideal D-control .... sorry Kerri!)

What else can I tell you. When I started the CGM, it took quite a while to learn how to insert it, use (calibrate, change) it, and interpret it correctly. One weekend of use -- especially if your weekend routine differs from your weekday routine -- isn't of much use. When I see my endo, he downloads two weeks of data (meter BG, CGM BG, bolus, basal, pump alarms, site changes etc...) into his special Minimed software that only doctors have access to, and plots all fourteen days on top of each other in a single graph (as well as separate daily graphs). From that, he can spot trends; the time of day when BG's run high, when I tend to give the most corrections, etc. Starting with this new endo a year ago has really been a God-send. He's so much better than my last one. (If you're in the market for a new Endo, ask your local Medtronic rep for a recommendation; they can tell you which docs know how to use the pump and which ones really know how to USE the pump... if you understand the difference).

I'm glad you shared your story here. Sometimes it helps just to get this off your chest.

3

I'm glad you shared your story here, too, Tracy. And I'll second Scott by saying that I'm hardly the poster child for anything (thank goodness, because I'd die laughing if I saw myself on a poster), and I can also second the struggles of day-to-day diabetes. I had a baby almost two years ago, and it's taken me a long time to come out of the burnout haze I felt in that first year. Diabetes is a big job, and it can be overwhelming. Little steps help ... as does the support of people who get it. And you have a whole host of those kind of people in your corner. :)