Had to get it out and vent

I know I have been tagged by Donna and I need to do it, but life has been getting in the way. I spent a few days in St. Louis with a few friends and then came back to Alabama only to fly back to MO for my nephews birthday. Talk about a busy week. He turned 5 and when I was there I was Aunt Hero. My mom bought a toy for him that he wanted more than anything and because my Mom knows money is tight for me, she gave me the toy to give to him as a present from me. I only see the little guy twice a year so it meant a lot to me she did that. The entire week I was there he didn’t want anyone but me playing with him. Running after a 5 year old all day is exercise. Well he wanted to sleep with me one night and my mom wouldn’t let him because of my diabetes and being on the pump. I told her it was no big deal but she was afraid he would roll over on it and break it. Heck it stays clipped to my pajamas at night and I tuck the tubing in my waist band, but she wouldn’t let him. My mom has no clue on diabetes and what foods I need to eat either. She fed me fish and chicken twice a day for 7 days. She never once fixed me beef because she thought I should eat fish and chicken for the diabetes. I appreciate the fact she was trying, but I was so sick of fish and chicken. On that front I am back from MO. I have spent the last 2 months throwing up and diarrhea. They have not been able to figure out why, finally my GI Dr. decided it was probably gall bladder considering the diabetes and pancreatitis history. They did a hida scan which showed slightly abnormal gall bladder function so he went ahead and sent me to a surgeon and on June 16th it is coming out. On the diabetes front right now I am pissed at it and just feel like ripping out my infusion sets and throwing them against the wall. I am just having a lot of trouble dealing with it right now. I have those days where I feel like the world is against me but they are few and far between. It has hit me hard the past week. I love my pump but it is a constant reminder that it is a part of my body now. Since they have changed my diagnosis from type 2 to type 1 it is like I have to start over accepting the diabetes. This means as many of you know that I will NEVER be able to get off insulin unless there is a cure. So now I am trying to face that fact. On top of that it seems like I get cut on every 6 months for the last 2 years and it feels like it isn’t going to end. I have had surgery on right foot, both knees, both shoulders, to remove cancer and now to remove my gall bladder. The freaking universe HATES me and I don’t know how much more I can take. I had to drop out of school because of my health. I feel like diabetes is winning and running my life, not me running it. I am tired of all the pain I am contantly in, I am tired of not being able to eat without poking my finger, I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats and feeling paralyzed from lows, I am sick of changing the infusion sets, I am sick of the itching I am feeling from them, I am sick of everyone looking at me different, I am sick of people treating me like I am contaminated (actually had a guy that told me he wanted NOTHING to do with me after he found out I was diabetic a few weeks ago), I am sick of feeling like my job is being a professional patient, I am sick of having to try to keep track of what my Dr’s name is for the different specialities, I am sick of fighting to keep my pump on before surgery because the hospital doesn’t get the fact I am type 1 and I have to have insulin and they never have insulin orders on hand. I feel like I am fighting for everything in my life and just once I would like something to come easy. I am only 31 and I shouldn’t have to carry this burden. I am just sick of it all, when will it ever end. Sighs, tomorrow is a new day and a new battle. I am physically and emotionally exhausted right now. Honestly what I want right now is to be able to go back to MO and live with my parents and have them take care of everything. I want to have someone in my life that can hold me right now and tell me it will be ok, someone to wipe away the tears I seem to shed daily right now. Heck, I don’t know what I need.

You are right, Cody. You are only 31 and shouldn’t have to carry this burden. You are also right that tomorrow is a new day. Just know we are thinking about you.

Cody- I don’t know where to start but I am going to let you know I am praying for you and you are not alone!!! I am glad you vented because keeping it locked up inside doesn’t make it any better for you and stress doesn’t either. I know this is a trying time I’ve been there also…i can relate but I am praying for you!!! If u need anything let me know:) don’t give up on yourself or diabetes! I know its easier said than done but you can do it


Judith right now I can keep foods down some. I take Zofran for the nasuea. I am going tomorrow to get a bunch of jello, pudding and stuff that I know will be easiest for me to eat after surgery and I have unflavored protein powder I will mix in as well as getting ginger ale. I actually did get a break today. My best friend came and got me and I hung out at his place for a while and then we went out to eat at our favorite restaurant at the grand reopening of it. I have slept a lot this afternoon after having 3 lows last night in my sleep. My body feels like has been run over by a truck the muscle aches are so bad. I am getting out of this funk and will be good to go by the end of the week. Part of the problem here is our air isn’t working and it is just making me irratiable. Supposed to be fixed today. Thanks