Unfortunately, mine wasn’t that great to start with. So now, with all the added stress and responsibilities, it is even more strained. I’ve spoken to our diabetes team about it (the nurse and the social worker.) They weren’t much help!
t.dimarco, have you tried talking to a councilor or clergy member?
2 years post-diagnosis, our marriage is back on track, but the first year post dx was tough. We were both depressed and stressed and I needed to learn to count on DH, but he also needed to learn to take D care more seriously. After 3 months, I found myself sobbing for a good 30 minutes before bed every night and then not being able to sleep more than a couple of hours in a row. I spoke to my primary care doc and he started me on a low dose of zoloft. It took the edge off and allowed me to calm myself down and get some sleep. Once I was in better shape then I was able to work with DH on how to deal with D care rather than just doing everything myself.
We’ve only just begun this D journey. But the first month was hell and the worst of our marriage. I was sooooooooo angry and Husband was the only one in the room to bear the brunt. Now, that we figured out I was just plain Angry with a capital A…well, now Husband is. It’s not pleasant to live Angry or with Angry spouse. My D clinic gave us the name of a therapist who specializes in chronic illness issues and I got the feeling (when I asked for the name) that marriages really take a hit at the beginning of this journey. We did finally start talking and talking and talking and I think we’re slowly figuring out how to be on the same team again. I think we’re still both Angry, but now we’re focusing it together. Hopefully that will help us get over the Anger eventually, while keeping us together as a team to deal with D. Because as hard as this is; I think it would be harder without a spouse. I strongly encourage you to seek help – from a therapist or a support group through JDRF or somesuch.
Our marriage suffered for awhile too. We were both so angry, sad, stressed, shocked (of course we ever rarely felt the same way at the same time). It was the hardest thing we have ever gone through. Come to think of it, the whole family was mad. Amalia was furious and sad and scared because we were poking her non stop and her brother was pissed because he was getting absolutely no attention. Man, was he angry, I never knew three year olds could be so mean. But the whole house was mad and angry and stressed, I think the kids were just going along with our emotions, which weren’t good.
Things are alot better now (1 year post diagnosis). I think my husband and I have kind of accepted what is going on. WE work hard to keep her healthy, and we work hard to give our son all he needs too. We are no longer as mad and I think that helps. We do still go through our funks. I read alot about diabetes and I will pass along books to my husband. He usually doesn’t read them but when he does he seems to go into a depression of sorts. Like it is real all over. But I now know to let him feel the way he needs too. We no longer freak out at crazy unexplainable numbers (this helps us all) and no longer need to find out why or what made this happen, that can drive you crazy. If only we could get the grandparents to realize that it is not thier fault when her numbers go high at their house, or if they go low, etc… but that is another post.
I wish I could offer help, I bet therapy would be great, to really talk which is so hard to do. Or if you are facing issues yourself, say depression, get help. Or maybe just some time away with friends or a jog can do wonders for you perspective. good luck!
thanx everyone! i already feel better knowing some of you have had rough times too. we have been for counselling. it helped ME feel better, and i am trying to get out once in a while to take a mental break, but my husband still insists that he will learn to take care of Sam when and if he needs to (like if i’m not around, meaning i’m dead!) i feel like he needs to learn NOW! is that really so much to ask?
we also tried the support group in our area, and were told it is defunct! we exchanged numbers with another newly diagnosed couple (through the clinic) and i did call them, but they didn’t seem to share any of my concerns…they seem to be sailing along just fine, weren’t interested in getting the kids together or anything. i don’t know one other person with type 1 besides my son. very isolating!
We are just now getting our marriage back to better after 7months. Anger ruled our attitudes towards each other, I was angry he never tried to learn more and didnt spend endless hours researching everything. My husband still feels like I ask him for advice and dont even consider it . He feels like I dont trust his decision and I always say what he did/does is wrong. I dont mean to come across that way, but you know…communtication is where our errors lay. I have learned to trust him more. We are so exhausted at the end of the day that we dont make time for each other. He stays up late to watch movies, and I am too darn tired to do that anymore with him. So, we have nothing anymore together, nothing. No talk time at all. We realize this, and are working on getting things back to where we want to be. Its hard to find the energy! Day by day we make small changes to gain back (even more) than what we used to have. We have always had this problem before “D” too, but now we are really trying to fix this as a priority.
Dear t.dimarco, thanks for asking this question. Reading the other responses has made me feel better. I thought I was the only one who responded primarily with ANGER instead of just sadness. So, it helps to feel normal.
I think you are right that your husband needs to learn how to care for Sam too. Bottom line, it’s the safest thing for Sam. The MORE people who can take care of SAM the better. Plus, to me, it shows love for Sam. Maybe if you could present it more like that – it’s necessary for Sam, not for you. But, I bet the problem is really that your husband is scared. He probably thinks you’re doing a good job (but not tell you that enough!!) and doesn’t think he can as well…so he’s just coping out instead. Maybe?
This is a good discussion. Thanks for starting it. I have been wondering about this too.
I know that my husband and I have been having a bit of a hard time. At first it was really bad. I don’t think that I have really taken the time to process everything that has happened. I know that at first I was really sad and angry. Then I got busy. I didn’t have time to really be sad or angry anymore…I had to take care of Isabelle and get everyone acclimated to this new situation.
Now I have to say 3 months into this that it pisses me off that I do 90% of the diabetes work. I am thankful that he does the 10% that he does. I am the stay at home mom and he works plus has a crappy commute. I wonder if that is the anger coming out but it is just aimed at him.
I guess the bottom line is that this is just plain HARD! It’s hard on everyone. DH and I are planning on joining a support group, but they don’t meet during the summer. We have talked about going to counseling…I just haven’t had the time to work out the insurance stuff not to mention trying to find someone to take care of Isabelle while we are there.
Sorry this is so long. Can you tell it’s been on my mind too??
Mmmm… Definately, I am the one who does 95% of everything and I do feel resentfull towards hom for this.
He does something if asked but I dont want to be forever asking asking asking.
We have been pumping for over a year and he had done 2 set changes, both times done with mistakes and steps missed. I do worry that if I couldnt be around for something happened to me, would he cope… He assures me he could ‘fumble’ through it. Yes my marriage has suffered but there were problems before this too so I cant blame it all after diagnoses… Its nice to read that some have got back on track after some time and effort…We will ride it out and hope for the best
I am in the same boat!
We’ve definitely had our ups and downs, too. We’ve been at it for 9 years, and the reason it’s better now is that my daughter is mostly responsible for herself.
In the beginning I wanted his help, but as others said, I didn’t trust him. He didn’t do all the reading and studying that I did. He also expected better results from efforts put in too. Does that make sense? He expected it to be more scientific than it is. So when she didn’t have good numbers, I would feel blamed.
Eventually I learned to live with most of the responsiblity, because I knew I could never really turn it over to anybody else. I just got used to being in charge of it. He would help, but never really take responsibility - I’m sure you all know the difference. I guess I just accepted it.
We need to remember, though, that one of our most important jobs is to teach our kids to take care of themselves. I got on that boat a little late…
I agree with Stella’s Mom. Your husband may be intimidated, may be afraid that he’ll mess up, with disastrous results. If you’ve been handling everything then you probably look like a genius from where he’s sitting. He may worry that you might be critical of his mistakes - - tell him that we all make them. Letting another share the responsibility can also be a little bit of a leap of faith. But it can also happen in small steps.
Diabetes is - if nothing else - a disease about control, or lack thereof. The more my husband and I learn how to handle the daily ins and outs of our son’s D, the less helpless it makes us feel.