My son is 13 and was diag at 10 he has done mostly good with his diabetes very responsible and knowledgeable. However, sometimes I am at a loss as to how to help him deal with his sadness over this. I know at this age moodiness is normal but I feel that everytime something else is bothering him he ends up in a downward spiral with his diabetes at the root " I hate myself, I hate having diabetes". He does bounce back and is generally a happy child, but I worry about his upcoming teen years. Part of his issue I believe is that he is not totally out about his diabetes he is shy and insecure about others seeing him treat his diabetes in public or even know. His close friends know but I do not believe it is generally known around school. He gets anxious about any social situation where he may need to treat, and he works around letting others see him. I have read on here about transparency and letting others know, I let any one he is in contact with know about his diabetes but don’t know how to help him be more transparent and confident. It really breaks my heart to see him struggle with this, any suggestions would be appreciated! Amy
Yikes, I feel for him because I’ve been there. It’s hard. I guess I’ve always been a little like him, and still am to some degree. Being “out” about having D means you have to deal with all the stares, questions, and misconceptions. Few people like feeling different, and having T1D definitely makes you different.
Some of this gets better with time. Being 13 is hard period, with or without D. As I got older, I did develop a bit more of an “I don’t care what other people” think attitude. The self-consciousness does get better with time, but it never completely goes away. I’m still (at the age of 33) self-conscious about people seeing me test or do anything related to managing my diabetes. Why? I’m not really sure. It’s sort of like managing D is admission that something is really wrong with me or that I’m weak or broken in some way. And, because managing D requires SO MUCH mental energy (I’m thinking about it 24/7), I don’t want to then TALK about it more.
Believe it or not, I still get a little anxious/concerned about social situations where I may have to deal with D. This is especially true for things that have to do with work. I have told very few people where I work that I’m a type 1, mainly because I never want my condition to negatively impact my chances of promotion, job opportunities, or employment elsewhere. So, if coworkers want to go out to lunch or for drinks, I immediately start thinking about how I’m going to handle things D-wise. And I have declined some invites because I didn’t think I could manage my BGs in whatever situation was proposed.
I can’t tell you anything you can do that will magically make things better. If he’s interested, provide an opportunity for him to meet other kids with T1 (there’s something so nice about hanging out with other people who just get it). Support him, try to get him to talk about what specifically is bothering him, and reassure him that there are MANY of us out there who feel the same way he does. Don’t necessarily force him to be “out” to people or to do things that make him uncomfortable, but work with him to find accomodations that make him feel comfortable in whatever social situation he’s going to be in (this could be, for example, figuring out a way to hide his supplies/pump or slip away to test). Arm him with the facts, but let him decide when and where to disclose. Remind him that the better he manages his D and keeps his BGs in range, the easier it will be to keep diabetes away from the topic of discussion…ironically, this desire to not talk about it has always been the prime motivation for me to stay in control of things).
Don’t scold him for wanting to be discrete and let him take the lead. He has to deal with this every second of his life, so it’s normal that he wants to savor moments when he is perceived as being just a regular kid. I know I STILL savor those moments when I’m perceived as just being a normal person.
Finally, let him know that it’s normal to feel embarrassed/self-conscious and that even those of us who are adults and have had D since childhood feel this way.
I’m so sorry Jacob is struggling and feeling sad. It’s heartbreaking to watch our children feel hurt no matter what the cause, but I think it’s especially hard if they are hurt by something that they can’t do a darned thing about. I hope he is able to separate “I hate having diabetes”, which is perfectly understandable, from “I hate myself”, which is not okay. He and his diabetes are not one and the same.
I don’t know if being more “out” would make him feel better or not. If he’s generally a more private kid, I think he’s entitled to keep his diabetes on a need to know basis. If he’s keeping it private out of embarassment or feeling ashamed about it, maybe you could practice what he might say if people ask him questions? If you and he want him to feel more comfortable dealing with his diabetes in a less self-conscious way, maybe he could practice those skills in more anonymous environments where his classmates aren’t present. For example, if he could get comfortable testing discretely in his lap at a restaurant where he doesn’t know anybody, maybe that comfort level would translate into discretely testing on his lap before lunch or when a snack is being served in class?
Is Jacob involved in or interested in any sports, either school related or otherwise? If not, I would encourage him to find something he enjoys, be it a team sport, golf, running, martial arts, whatever. Not only is the exercise good for his health and diabetes management, but I think feeling physically strong helps kids (and adults, for that matter) feel more more emotionally strong and confident.
Lately with my 13 year old son, I’m making a very concerted effort not to talk to him about his diabetes all the time. I had gotten in the habit of always asking about his numbers and felt like diabetes was taking over our relationship. Out of concern for him, I think I was inadvertently giving him the message that his diabetes was more important than him. That’s absolutely not how I feel, but that’s what my actions where indicating to him. We were spending way more time talking about diabetes than we were about his history project or his band music or his fantasy football score that week. He’s had diabetes for a year now and he has self-managed (with support and help) since the beginning. He knows what he’s doing, and we don’t need to talk about every meter reading. Now, I’ve asked him to tell me when something is out of whack and/or he needs help, and other than that, if I want to know something, I download his meter and/or his pump, and I can get all the data I want without having to ask about it all the time. If I feel like something needs to be addressed, we’ll talk about it and figure out what we need to do to fix it, but we don’t have to discuss every meter reading and every bolus.
I teach part time at a middle school, and there are very few secrets. I would bet more kids know than he thinks and they probably care much less than he thinks. Kids that age are quite self-centered, and they don’t really think about other kids nearly as much as Jacob might think they do.
I hope you get some good suggestions and that Jacob is able to recognize his value comes from the kind of guy he chooses to be and that his diabetes does not define him.
Best wishes!
thanks so much both of you for your support! I also find that maybe too many of jacob and my interactions are about D, we talk about lots of other things and are very close, but trying to minimize the D management talk while still staying on board is a good idea. He has tried sports and band in the past and hasn’t stuck with either, his brother does karate which I love but jacob is too “cool” for that, most of the kids in the studio are younger. We hike alot as a family and firmly believe in the benefits of exercise ( i’m an exercise physiologist) but my husbands attempts to" encourage" activity has become a sore subject with jacob, i try to tell my husband he is who he is ( which is a great, smart, sensitive kid!) and not who we want him to be but… he is interested in taking art lessons and probably starting a technical high school where hopefully he can spread his wings next year he very excited about it. I’ve told jacob before that everyone probably does know about his D and doesn’t care, i agree with the self centered behavior at this age. well one day at a time i just hate seeing his little wheels spinning and knowing what he is worrying about, but at least he shares with me, it is not always easy for me to hear he is sad but at least he talks to me about it!
I never felt like I had to hide my diabetes but I have struggled with it emotionally since diagnosed at 15. I was extremely moody in the early years. But I have fought diabetes most of the time I have had it with resentment and a lot of pent up anger. Until recently I have really tried to embrace diabetes and make peace with it. I have also seen a psychologist for 3 years just to help me deal with it emotionally because it always filters into all aspects of my life. Talking to someone about you can be really good esp looking at it as me time and no guilt over focusing on yourself. I also looked for one who had experience in helping people with chronic illnesses and she has had lots of diabetic patients. I still struggle with depression over it but I am taking it a day at a time and am learning to live in the grey area and not look at things so black and white. I think learning to embrace it is key.
Take Care Lori
Yeah, that’s a good point. Again, if you’re a type 1, you’re thinking about it constantly. Because BGs impact so much of life, my mind is constantly racing with thoughts about what my BG is, how my next activity choice will impact my BGs, whether what I want to do in a day is even possible because of where my numbers are. And when you’re a kid with t1, you’re thinking about this from the age you’re able to comprehend what those numbers mean and the correlation between your actions and those numbers. It’s a lot of responsibility and it can get overwhelming at times. So, often the last thing I want to do is TALK about it more. Or be asked about it. Even now, I often cringe when my mom asks how my blood sugar is.
I’ve commiserated with a lot of parents of tweens (BTW, you just mortified him by referring to a 13 year old as a “tween” OMG!..LOL!) and they seem to be a pretty angst-filled bunch? We often spend weekends with dialogues like “I HATE you!!!” followed 10 minutes later with “can you drive me _____ and can I have some money too?”. She lights up and sparkles when there are events but the existential drudgery of their (our?) situation seems to set a lot of them off. Come to think of it, a lot of older people are sort of like that too?
I agree w/ AustinMom about physical activity. I was sort of veering in a downer direction and got into Tae Kwon Do a few years ago. I can see how you could find a “cheesy” element in it but, at a good school that pushes students appropriately, it was really an excellent thing for me. My control of my diabetes was ok beforehand but has been really great since then and it sort of made me do stuff (#1, get pump!) that made it much easier for me to kick it’s butt. The other thing was that I’d enrolled in an “instructor class” at the academy I studied at and the high school kids who were students there were pretty much 100% amazing first class people who I expect will do amazing things when they grow up. I had to move and got out of that scene for a while but it helped me make a lot of progress at a lot of things.
I’m not the parent of a tween, but I was a tween with diabetes. I was diagnosed at age 11, so pretty close to your son’s age when he was diagnosed (I’m 29 now). And, I remember feeling exactly all of the things you described above. I’ll tell you what worked really well for me, and maybe some of it will help your son. The thing that absolutely helped the most was making other friends my age with Type 1. I went to diabetes camp for 2 weeks every summer after diagnosis until age 16, and came away with so much more self confidence, especially with regards to my diabetes. My camp didn’t even really give us all that much education about diabetes while we there, but just being around other kids my age, who had diabetes, but where we all felt “normal,” somehow made it be easier to not feel so different once I got home. Kind of counter-intuitive, but I know a lot of other Type 1’s who were helped so much by diabetes camp as kids. Diabetes camps can be expensive, but lots of camps have scholarships that you can get if that’s a concern. I went to camp every year on a scholarship (they called them “camperhships”!), and I really do credit it to this day, with changing the course of my diabetes life.
Another thing that helped me a lot was having friends with diabetes who were very transparent with their diabetes. I watched how they interacted with the world, just testing in public, being open about their diabetes, and I mimicked them and began to feel much more comfortable in my own diabetes skin. Maybe there are some Type 1 groups you can get involved with (maybe through your local JDRF?) so he can be around other kids or adults who can model confident behavior with regards to their diabetes for your son. Also, I know some kids (and adults for that matter) have benefited greatly from seeing a counselor, specifically one who specializes in chronic illnesses. I saw a counselor late in high school and early in college for some depression and anxiety issues, but the skills I learned in counseling actually helped me deal with diabetes issues too.
With regards to the whole transparency about your diabetes thing: I know some people don’t share their diabetes status with other people very much, but I’m not really of that mindset. I think that it should be your son’s decision whether or not to share about his diabetes with people (unless of course people need to know for safety reasons, etc.) but I think it would be sad if he kept it hidden because he was embarrassed or ashamed of it. When I was a kid, diabetes made me feel different, so I kept it hidden. I feel grateful that I eventually got to a place in my life when I was able to share my diabetes openly with others without feeling ashamed or scared. Now, if I choose not to share, it’s not from a place of embarrassment or fear, but for other reasons, like I’m just too tired to explain everything at that moment or something. Hopefully this all makes sense! Teen years are hard with diabetes, but you guys will make it through! I’m so inspired by all the D-parents on this website, I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to parent a child with diabetes! You guys inspire me!
Want to Motivate himself?
Ask him to Become a mentor to other T1’s
Be it Summer Camps or Finding a Local Support group to Going On Line, Facebook to Offering Help thru Local Schools, Newspapers…JDRF Chapter activities
Other parents with T1 kids…
May God be with you and bless you.
May you see your children’s children.
May you be poor in misfortunes
and rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
from this day forward.
~Irish Blessing
I was 10 when I was diagnosed and my daughter was 11. I think that’s a real good idea Dennis. I know that it helped me to become a mentor to younger diabetics and my daughter (now 23) is doing the same to her young friends.
Hi Amy,
I have two teenage diabetics. I know my oldest who is not 17 does not like doing things in public either. I guess it is a little different for us as my husband and I both teach at the school where my children go and it is a small school so everyone knows about their diabetes. I make sure everyone in the community knows my children are diabetics also. I encourage them to let new friends know as well, but I think it is hard for them to tell new people as well. I wish they were more open and I don’t know why they feel they can’t test in front of new people. I think all we can do is encourage them to be open and when you are around have him test in public. If someone has a problem with it you could model how to handle the situation and he could see how easy it is to explain to people. Most people I have come across are just curious and want to know what they are doing. Also have you considered counselling. Our school has a social worker and so I had my daughter see her for awhile, but this was for a different diabetic issue. She didn’t like to go though, but maybe your son will like talking to someone else. I wish you all the best and have a great day.
Tamara