Just a rant to blowoff steam

I was always so independant…left home when I was 16. I always felt that I had noting to complain about…my parents didnt beat me… by my generations standards anyway. And yet I felt like a beaten puppy… who was always getting in trouble without meaning to. I left home with low self esteem. and a suitcase. (actually it was a paper grocery bag with a change of clothes in it)

I never asked them for anything after I left…because I knew better. Everything I had… I did it by myself.

Are they bad people??? Are they emotionally abusive? I suppose if I was looking at someone elses family and they behaved the way my parents did… I would say yes… they are.

But then out of the blue…they helped me out…I left an abusive man with my son. They wanted me to move back home. with my son…I just couldnt do it… I found a way to get my own place, for me and my son.

My parents asked me at that point how I could ever be with such a jerk… one who emotionally and physically abused me.

Hmmm should I answer that one???

BOTH my parents were stubborn, pigheaded and I was never allowed to have an opinion… and if I DARED voice my opinion… I would get hit,slapped, grounded ar all of the above.

I married an abusive man… because thats what I knew! But no… I kept my mouth shut and just said I dunno I must have been stupid. ( My parents trained me right!)

Second husband… was the love of my life… unfortunatley… he loved alcohol and someone else instead… Everything I had worked for… nice home, car, great job…and more…I lost it all in one year. I was devastated… depressed and wasnt thinking right. They insisted I come home… to get my head together… I did.

I figured I would only stay a short time… but we actually got along quite well…I stayed a year… and then went out on my own again. refreshed. happy.

Then I got sick…didnt know what was wrong… depression set in deeply this time…unusual for me… I usually bounce back fairly quickly…didn’t know I was diabetic as well…I really thought I was going to die.

My parents insisted I come home… I did… I figured I was gonna die anyway… may as well be with family.

Now I have been here for a few months… it is not the same as the last time… its not.

I cant seem to stop them from being pissed off at me. I do what I am told… I dont argue, I keep to myself as much as possible…

I am in tears at least twice a week… out of frustration…I need to get out of here… not sure how I will do it. I will for sure get even more ill with the stress they put on me from all this nonsense.

Why do they insist on all this drama??? I have always been a peaceful person…I am always accountable for everything I do…I have no problem admitting when I am wrong. Sometimes I admit I am wrong even when I am not… just to keep the peace…I just cant stay here any longer…I need to figure out a way…stay tuned.

Here’s a big virtual hug, and a virtual tissue to wipe the tears away. I feel so helpless, because there’s nothing I can do except tell you I hear you. I was a welfare mom and raised a son single-handedly, and struggled to find the money to pay the bills, and it was rough, but I had a supportive family. I’m so sorry you don’t. I can’t give you any advice, but feel free to talk when you need to, either publicly like this or privately. At least I can lend a listening ear (or seeing eye, in this case!)

Thanks Nat!
I am grateful for the roof over my head… but it seems it come at a price…my sanity.
I just dont understand why they dont just ask me for what they want from me rather than expecting me to read their minds,or I should just KNOW!
Stress raises BG…they know this…I always do as I am told when I am in their home…I just dont know what to do!!

Hugs from me too. I was married to a verbally abusive man for 35 years, am so glad to be on my own now, it takes time to drag yourself out of the big hole that lack of self esteem puts you in. I hope you manage to find your own place soon. Keep the music going, nice gently slow music, it will help calm your mind.

I am so very sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I just don’t understand why some people are so cruel. Darling, stay strong and believe that you are not to blame for this treatment. I hope that you are able to get out of this living arrangement. I will be thinking of you and hoping for calmness and happiness for you, you deserve it. xo

Hi Karebear,

Wow, what a story you have. Although, my life hasn’t been as dramatic as yours. (no marriage or kids). I too had to move back home when I found out I had D. That was almost a year ago. I had no job (stupid USA unemployment), no money, no health insurance. I was living with my bf at the time (six year relationship) and he was not very supportive (he thinks he was but not the way I needed him to be) - that relationship was going down the tubes anyhow.

Not to make this too long but even though my childhood was pretty “normal” - there was always a tension in that (esp. with my mom) that I had do certain things and was not allowed to do others or branch out on my own. I am definately the black sheep in the family (extended family included). I am pretty sure my mom is still upset at me for deciding not to get married or have any kids - she of course had this life in mind for me that I didn’t want and when I did every thing opposite, it put a strain there. I couldn’t wait to get out. I moved at 25 and did OK most of the time on my own until I lost my job, all of my saving by reentering a relationship I should have never went back into - of course, I was trying anything to avoid moving back home - even by that time I think my parents felt bad about giving me a hard time about my life choices. Anyhow, last year when I found out I had D and no way to pay for any of it, I had to break down and move back. My parents are helping me pay for my expenses until I get a job again.

I definatley do not want to be here forever (my mom is under this weird impression that because you don’t have a place of your own that you should have to sell all your belongings - of course I didn’t listen to her - she is very weird when it comes to the house and the space in it - even though she says “this is your home” - doesn’t always feel like it).

So, I know where you are coming from. I try to be grateful and know I am thankful to have some place to go - nice house, roof over my head, etc. - even though I didn’t want to come back for tension reasons and because I felt like I was giving up my independance and I so dearly loved. I know there are lots that have it worse than me. My parents are getting older so I think they don’t care about my choices as much as they did before - they just don’t want to lose their only daughter anymore. I don’t have to do as they tell me but there are some invisible restrictions since they are helping me out.

I think that some parents can’t even let go and they always want to be “the parent” no matter how old you get and they can ALWAYS get under your skin and make you feel bad and guilty about yourself. I envy those people who say their parents have always been supportive because mine weren’t. More pressure was put on me than my older brother because I had the better grades. So that is another reason there was tension - because I didn’t give them grandkids or any of the other stuff they wanted me to do (of course, no pressure put on my brother for this). It is really mostly my mom who did this.

So, hang in there - I know what it feels like to be stuck. I feel like a freak having to stay with my parents at 41 years ago (ugh) but right now it is the only option. At least, my one comfort is that most of it isn’t my fault.

Did I ever tell all of you how much I appreciate your support?? Well I do… very much and I dont know what I would do without you all!!!