June 23, 2009:
Dear fellow diabetics and others,
I’ve copied and pasted the letter I wrote for all to read. Yes, I do have a new Mac computer, so I think it’s hard for some to “read” Mac files. I’m still learning about my Mac by taking the One-to-One sessions they offer and I’m having fun!
To answer the question about the occupational therapist and the group: The occupational therapist told me that she designed an eight week program covering the emotional side of dealing with a chronic illness, but could not find funding for it. She has instead used some of it for our group. Hence, the “letter to our diabetes”.
As far as the groups, I have returned recently to two groups. One meets once a month locally (Burbank) and the other is every other month a little further away (USC College). The Burbank one is a mixed group full of Type II’s with myself being the only T1, while the USC group is specifically for any diabetic on an intensive insulin therapy or a pump.
I needed to return to a group as I was isolating myself too much and going crazy over my diabetes! I was looking for a “support” group and hesitant because “support” groups are usually a guest comes to speak and there is a Q and A afterwards. I’ve always been, “Where is the time to vent/talk/share, etc. I need that!” It appears that this website is just that and the best for me. However, the two groups do come closer to that now than they did before. In my opinion the guest thing works well especially for newly diagnosed diabetics and those who care for us; for “older” diabetics, the other is better—in my opinion.
Thanks for all your comments and help in how to do the correct “computer” thing so all can read this letter…
One more note: I never rebelled as a child over this disease, or “dis-ease” if you will, and I didn’t as a teenager either. I was a “goody two shoes” type of girl! I did as I was told. Being “told” is the operative word here. I have long considered this disease a “controlling” type of dis-ease meaning others “told” me what to do. In college I gained a little weight as I learned to cook for myself and was given a reducing “diet” to follow. A few years later, I was in out of control eating, but lost the weight the following year before I married, but when the divorce papers came another year later, I went into out right rebellion against the “diets” and I do remember saying to myself, “I’ve never felt full before. I wonder what it feels like to feel full.”
After feeling “full” for six years, I got sick of that and leveled off on my weight. Unfortunately, other things began for me, like high blood pressure, undiagnosed sleep apnea, and just this month-Duprene’s syndrome (spelling? I’ll look that up.). In fact, in the beginning and unbeknownst to me, I was following the “Overcoming Overeating” method of dealing with an emotional overeating situation. (The book is by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter). My Mother, who was then a diagnosed T2 diabetic, was using the book in her therapy sessions. Finally we talked and shared about eating and emotions and that’s when I found out about the book.
It’s been eleven years now and I finally finished the book last year in July. Now that I’m seeing a therapist once a week (until my health insurance runs out in August), I think I’ll start paying attention to my anger and hopefully work through it. The anger is evident in my letter, isn’t it?
Thank G-d that I am finally working through all things related to my childhood in every area, not just the diabetes, although it is a big part of it! Thank G-d, as well, for a person like Manny Hernandez starting a website like this one. Thank G-d we have each other, we can be open with one another, and I can cry and let go…
Thank you, for you.
Rebecca (Becka) Marie Rodick
April 29, 2009
I HATE you!!!
You never leave me alone!! I NEVER get a vacation from you! You have interfered with my work, friends, and even my personal goals!
After 39 years you would think you would have disappeared from my life, but you haven’t!
There are good days and bad days with you.
On my good days, you run smoothly. I hardly notice you. Sometimes I even forget you exist. At that moment, just after I realize I have forgotten you, I feel elated—free!! And then the next moment, I feel disappointed and want to just crawl into a hole to forget about you and the world.
On my bad days, I feel horrible. I want to commit suicide. I want to be “normal” (whatever that is!). I want to cry. I want to do and be anything, except be me and you.
Why did you come into my life? Well, I know the medical answer for that, but the “real” answer? Did you come to teach me a lesson? Or my Mom or Dad or even my siblings? Was I supposed to teach the world more about prejudice and tolerance? Did I get sick because I lost my Grandfather the year before and in my sadness, lose my immune system? Or did I get you, like some people say, because G-d and the Universe knew I would have the ability to handle you better than someone else?
By the way, it wasn’t just you I got, of course. I got other disabilities before you and now after you. At any given moment, I have to deal with any one of those disabilities. Deal with the frustration and energy to keep up with the world as it keeps turning-----usually without stopping for me, any of my other disabilities, or sometimes even for you!
Yeah, I’m very tired of you, Diabetes. Yeah, I wish you would go away, but since you haven’t, I know I have to accept you. I have to keep on moving with you in tow, right inside of me. I have to keep dealing with the prejudices of the world and stop to educate them. I have to learn, somehow, to love you. Or maybe, just like you. Or maybe, just tolerate you.
Here’s to the never ending relationship with you----until you have been cured and are truly gone forever in my life!
Hugs, kisses, love, and hate, from,
Rebecca (Bekca) Marie Rodick