For about a month before that awful day, Hunter was focused on death and dying. At the time, I thought he was just in that stage of curiousity of death and felt it was something normal until that one night and that one conversation. I’ll never forget sitting on the couch snuggling with him. He started to ask me questions about death again only these question where more specific. He asked “Will you miss me when I’m dead?” I said " Of course I will, but your not going anywheres so we don’t have to worry about that." He kept asking questions “What will it be like when I’m in heaven? Will I see Tapper? (our old dog)” Will I be able to see you and dadda and Zachy?" At this point, I started to get very concerned? Why was my four year old son asking me these questions? How do I answer them? All of a sudden, Hunter broke down crying but it wasnt a normal child’s cry. It was a different cry. One I never knew a child possessed. It was a cry that only the heart can produce. It was deep and painful as if you’d just lost a loved one. I asked " why are you crying?"Hunters response was “Because I’m going to miss you when I’m in heaven” I began to cry as well with saddness. I held him in my arms and hugged him and explained how much I loved him and I will do my best to keep him with me for as long as I can. It wasn’t until a week later that I realized that the crying and those questions were his way of telling me something was wrong with his body. He knew he was dying and running out of time…
I promise to post all about that day when I discovered he had diabetes and my first day as an official pancreas. I can’t promise when but it will be soon.