I thought a lot about what word to write in my hand to describe diabetes, its effects on my life, how I feel about it.
At first, I wanted to write "FIERCE," but decided that the word FIERCE is really a reflection of how I deal with my diabetes, FIERCE is what I am in the face of the many challenges it presents.
Then, I considered "OVERBLOWN," but quickly shot that idea down. The truth is diabetes is as signficant as it seems - it is, in fact, more significant than it is sometimes made to seem - at least to those of us who live with it. This conclusion led me to "DOWNPLAYED," which I also nixed in short order. I mean, downplayed is just how diabetes should be most of the time - something that sits in the background - present, dangerous, but not overarching.
I realized as I fretted and thought and fretted more - that "BAFFLING" was probably the best word I could find to describe my thoughts on diabetes. Half the time I don't know what - exactly - I think or feel about this disease, most of the time I have NO idea what impact it might have on my day. The numbers often leave me thinking "what the hell is this all about?" And the emotions diabetes brings often leave me at my wit's end. In short - I am baffled by the ever-presence and the way it seems to hide, by how invisible it is to outside parties when it is SO VISIBLE to those of us within whom it resides. I am baffled by the numbers and the ever-changing, ever-moving nature of it and by the constant adjustments required and inconsistency in the adjustments needed.
So there you have it. Diabetes is baffling.