Ok we all have seen it the eye roll, the suppressed sigh when we start talking about it, Diabetes. I would not say I am fixated on diabetes but it is always poking at the back of my mind. What do people expect? I wake up I test myself, I go to sleep I test myself, I eat I test myself. I open a can of soda it hurts from testing myself, My back starts sweating I test myself. Hmm how much insulin am I going to have to take If I eat this how much extra am I going to have to take if I eat that? Am I low enough to eat that and not bolus, am going to be moving enough, drinking enough water, am I going to 50 or 200 in an hour.
So may questions and possibilities go though my head. Is diabetes going to be the cause or just a foot note on my death cert. Am I going to go low after being intimate with my wife (Must big a big mood killer “Wait honey stop I need some sugar. And not the kind your giving me”). Hell down the road am I going to be able to preform. Will I end up losing a limb like my Aunt.(Yes I have a horror story in my family). What if my bag with my supplies gets stolen or lost. My vision already has a strike against it, now I have 2.
My kids are my biggest worry what if they develop T-1.(50% chance due to thyroid issues).This is the main reason I hope for a cure not for me but for them. What if they have to deal with traumatic memories of diabetes like I have from my youth. What if they wake up or come home one day to find me dead. I know when I get low my temper gets short and I feel like an ■■■ for snapping at them at times when I am low.
Macey, my 4 yr old has some understanding. She will catch me with a treat and say “Take your shot daddy” or “Test your blood sugar”. She understands that there are times she has to wait for a drink or a snack because daddy is low. The other night she had fallen asleep on the sofa and woke up as I was watching who knows what late night rerun, but one of those ads came on for Diabetic Cook Books with the former Miss America shilling enough carbs on the screen to put me in a coma. I hear “She has Daddybetes like you, Those are cook books for people with daddybetes” shocked I just told her I love her. She replied going back to sleep “you have to take your shot so you don’t get sick. I love you Daddy don’t get sick again”. She asked yesterday to help with my shot. I inserted the needle in my leg and held it firm asking if she wanted to push the plunger. She grimaced and said "No, Just want to kiss the boo boo and make you feel better"
Violet, my 2 yr old. Is to young to get it but is still my screeching cheering section of “Daddy shot” when ever she sees me injecting.
The balancing act drives me nut go to high complications, coma, death. Go to low pass out, wreck car kill self or injure kill someone else, seizure death. My cholesterol 150 no great but not considered high for a normal person, doctors want it under 100. I am a smoker I know I should quit but the stress and well past addictions make it harder and hell I will admit it I still enjoy it. Money Do I stretch my insulin past 28 days or do I pay (insert bill) a week or two late. Tired all the time from work and taking care of the girls but I need the extra hours to pay for my bills. My parents help with the supplies but my mom is getting old and wont be around for ever.
People wonder why its on my mind all the time look at the above. Think about the fact that in one hour of work I went from a 95 BS down to a 62 BS last night. Six hours after I had taken insulin, If it wasn’t on my mind how low would I have gone if I just didn’t think about it. I can’t let myself ignore the voice in the back of my head that voice keeps me alive. What can I do but live each day and hope I make it to the next. I refuse to give up at times I wish I could, but that voice in my head reminds me. Be it saying something about my kids, asking myself “Why you being so touchy? Maybe your low?” or just is that worth that much insulin. It drives me mad and keeps me sane. Some times a monkey on your back isn’t so bad.
It is a full time job. Every waking minute and several while you’re sleeping. I agree with you that it is ALWAYS there. If I’m going to run an errand, I should bring some glucose with me just in case. The constant calculations and thinking ahead take up a lot of bandwidth. Frankly, I’d rather not ever be new at this again. It has taken a while to get the hang of this. I found that with experience, I was less afraid of what could happen. I’ve had some close calls, and there were probably things in my youth that I wouldn’t repeat without being more careful, but we can do this.
That little voice in the back of your head is a very good line of defense. Daddybetes! From the mouths of babes! Your girls are a constant delight. 
I just hope they are always as understanding and don’t do what I did for many years “Mom test you F@#$ing sugar, eat some candy.”.
My hat goes out to you and anyone who has lived through this or is living through this as a teen. I don’t think I would of made it.
Wow! Isn’t that the way it is. If we are not eating we we’re thinking about what we should eat next, how much insulin, am I going to work out, how long will it take to run those errands. We have to think through everything we do. Such a huge lifestyle change. Only a couple months on insulin so I am hoping that it will become more second nature for me. In the mean time it can be overwhelming and frustrating at times.
Great post A. Jim.
Had I known diabetes involved this much math, I would have picked another disease. Was making plans with friends & while we’re deciding on the where, my brain is working out what time I need to eat, what I can eat at the restaurant, etc. The simplest thing is no longer simple. The staggering expense is always on my mind competing for space with the many calculations we’re doing trying to juggle.
Macey & Violet are the most precious kids. Love hearing about your grils! Want you to know they bring big smiles even to those who don’t know them. Hope one day you’ll make of video of them. Macey Talks About Diabetes:)
What sweet little girls. You are truly blessed