Hello all, I haven’t posted on here in an age. Seeking advise for dealing with I guess you should say my issues with how my son is dealing with his D. He is soon to graduate high school and planning on commuting to college. A typical teen trying to grow up and move away from being treated like a child. I have really distanced myself from Jacob’s treatment but will still comment from time to time and help him with pod changes. Good and bad comments are made. Jacob hates it when I comment on anything D related. He used to make mostly good decisions with A1c in the 7s. Strangely since getting a CGM afew months ago things have gone a little down hill. The plot thickens with the fact that his first girlfriend also has type 1. I thought this was great at first as he is not a big sharer about his D and thought this would be helpful. Apparently she does not care for herself as well. I asked if she boluses before or after she eats she said after sometimes alot after…Jacob shared she has monthly visits at the endo due to her high A1c. I was hoping his habits would rub off on her not vice versa! So this is mostly just a rant. I feel like perhaps it would be better for me and maybe Jacob if I just didn’t look at his numbers at all. But them I feel I would be condoning his decisions and turning my back on him. I don’t badger him about every high number but occasionally comment to him about his averages or ask if he forgot to bolus at school if he is really high. Just feeling frustrated. I know he has a solid base and a personality that seems to lead him to make good decisions, a good head on his shoulders. I just find him caring less about his numbers and care in general. I am concerned. I am saddened but feel like my hands are tied because only he can decide how he cares for himself. Can anyone relate. I guess I feel equally sad that this has to be part of our relationship. He is soon to graduate, and I am feeling nostalgic about him in general and sad about what he caries and that I am powerless to watch him stumble. Amy
This is coming from an Adult Type 1 who lived through those years. When I turned 18(and probably before) diabetes became my sole responsibility. Unfortunately being 18 doesn’t automatically qualify you to make smart life decisions. I know I was making some really bad choices that had long term consequences. Now I look back and I really wish I had someone holding me more accountable for my diabetes management. I probably needed a stern talking to:)
Why you don’t need to look at his numbers daily you still need to watch his A1C and his 30 day Dexcom charts. That will give you good idea how well his management is being handled. I would say as long as you are paying his health insurance you have the right to provide oversight into his health issues.
Thanks for the insight Jim. Somewhere in him I think he does appreciate that he has a supportive family. Interesting comment on the health insurance, he decided on a CGM about 2 months ago I thought it would be a good idea for driving, he never checks before he drives, and also for the times when he is with friends and not wanting to test in public, I understand how he feels and support that with the CGM he doesn’t need to test every time. Anyway it was way more costly than we anticipated and I will ask to look at it and he says no! I get that he wants to be independent but as you said we paid for the device. I do think he is probably better than the average teen with caring for himself. It just pains me that we bought the CGM for better control and more tools in his toolbox and he appears to be taking on a more cavalier approach like his girl friend. All part of the growing process. I yearn for the days when decides to eat more healthfully on his own and becomes motivated to get his A1c in the 6’s or join a site like this to learn and feel supported. All part of growing up I know just difficult to watch!
I think becoming an adult is a difficult transition. It is about transferring the responsibility and authority for their life decisions from you (as a parent) to them (as a child, now an adult). You no longer really have any ability to make tactical decisions for them. They will decide whether to bolus before or after a meal (or at all). And if his new girlfriend leads him to poor decisions about his control you really can’t fix that by telling him all the tactical things he needs to do to achieve good control. And as @Jim26 says, when you are young you don’t always have the maturity and judgement to make good decisions.
That is why I am a big fan of clearly making this your son’s decision and using “bribery” (as opposed to punishment). There has to be stuff that he wants. There has to be stuff the he and his girlfriend want. Tell him he get’s to take the bus to school but if he keeps his A1c in the 7s you will provide him with a car that he can use to and from school. If he and his girlfriend meet some goal then he can use the car for anything he wants, including dates. And I never hesitated to use money as a bribe. But make it a long-term goal and and about his decisions, not about getting into his daily decisions.
ps. None of my kids had diabetes but we struggled with getting them to make good decisions as young adults.
This made me sad to read! I’ve sent 2 off to college so far and I know the pain, nostalgia, and just plain sadness for the simpler days! None of my 4 have T1D and I was just recently diagnosed so I can’t help from that perspective but I do second the comment about you paying for the insurance. Might be a good angle? I have the Dexcom and I share my data with my mom, husband and kids. I LOVE that we can see the trending of numbers which is super helpful even if they aren’t always spot on. Just knowing if I am headed up, down or flat is great information!
I do have a friend with a son with T1D who is now 23. When he left home he totally stopped managing his D and isn’t doing well. Not said to scare you…just a reality. A lot of these kids just get frustrated and want to be “normal”. (My friend’s son has some mental illness which further complicates his situation…other friend’s with college kids are doing well.) Anyway, one thing you might seriously consider discussing is the long term effects of his situation. This conversation might be better suited for your husband (or male mentor) but one of the long term effects of poor sugar management is that he won’t be able to get an erection. Depending on the severity of his “mis-management” it might happen sooner or it might be later. I’m not well versed in this area but I know it’s a real issue and perhaps the ONLY thing that might get his attention?! It’s a REAL thing! I’m serious about you checking out this angle and also, perhaps include in the discussion how much you love your son. This disease is so hard on the families and as a mom we just want to love and protect our children. I wouldn’t discuss the girlfriend or her habits/influence on him…it will just make him more defensive but just let him know that your #1 concern is his well being, happiness and long term health. (And you want grand babies ones day…lol!) I think if you can approach it strictly from a perspective of knowing it’s part of growing up - pulling away and independence - but that it’s a process for you, too. And that you’re scared and soley want what’s best for him. The trick is catching him at a time that he’s not stressed, not with his girlfriend, etc. I always find that my kids are more open to talking at bedtime…lights out and they start talking…or at least listening. Kids DO care what we think even if they pretend to be mad or irritated. They ARE listening. So don’t stop talking. Just try not to appear to be nagging:) lol The balance is hard! Good Luck!!! Keep us posted.
I just want to comment on a few of the excellent suggestions others have posted.
I agree with Brian, and am not above “bribes”. I prefer to think of them as “positive reinforcement” for a job well-done. Regardless of what you call it, it’s a great strategy and a win/win situation when it works.
Now for the “bad cop” side of things. Driving is a privilege, and not a right when you are still living under your parents’ roof. When my daughter begins driving (may the next 2+ years until she turns 16 last forever!) her testing before she gets behind the wheel each and every time will be non-negotiable. If she ever has an A1c above 7.2, I will likely suspend her driving privileges and say something like “With such a high estimated average glucose, your ability to think and react is too impaired to drive safely. I’d be happy to sit down with you and help problem-solve on how to get your BGs in a safer range.” And I’d be willing to pay for an additional A1c sooner to check on whether improved management has occurred.
I’m not a big fan of scare tactics in general, but KellyW is right: poor management can lead to ED (erectile dysfunction). If this doesn’t make an impression, then I doubt anything else will.
To the OP, and to all parents of children with diabetes, I wish you the best!
thanks so much for your kinds thoughts and taking the time to respond. He is off to the prom tonight, I am proud! I like how you said keep talking just don’t nag. I felt some bonding with him while getting ready for prom. I know he appreciates me and also knows how much I care. One day at a time!
Happy Mother’s Day Mom, you’re doing a great job. I would love to see a prom pic!
Uploading… Uploading…
Uploading… trying to upload pic i am probably doing something wrong will try later!!
try again later (I really want to see them) sometimes the image upload doesn’t want to work
I’m not much into scare tactics either but I do know that for some kids they need a reality check and it’s not too far fetched if he’s not managing his sugars. I loved the idea of the car privileges being tied to management because you are right, their decision making is impaired at higher levels. I don’t have kids with T1D but I did have a contract signed with my 2 older kids (and will with my younger ones in a few years). There were definite non negotiables and undisputed fact that my husband and I owned the cars and therefore had final decision on if the car was allowed to go anywhere. It’s sometimes hard to reign them in once they are set free but regardless, we are the parents and their safety is #1 priority. I’d love to see prom pictures @Jacob_s_mom!
Good morning, I keep trying to upload some pics but no luck, i meant to ask hubby help last but forgot , going to ask him tonight! He did pretty good with the prom and sleep over via CGM he let me look because he had a drink at the sleep over, i expect him to try one or two once in a while but he know the effect alcohol can have on his bs’s, interesting big drop but steady hoovering over low all night then big spike with the out for breakfast pancakes , never good but he really does bolus i would say 98 percent of the time but sometimes he underestimates. The only type of discipline that has ever worked for Jacob and me to be honest especially now at this age is positive reinforcement. Obviously i cant do that when his numbers are not favorable but honestly even if they aren’t it is his constant daily efforts that counts he is in the trenches everyday and I can’t expect perfection. My new goal is to try to encourage him to be more compassionate he has first child big ego all about me attitude frequently, and I encouraged him to remind his g/f to test and bolus in a caring way and I mentioned last night that perhaps the reason they are together is for him to inspire her and to improve her health. He didnt seem to like my suggestion but I planted the seed. Thanks for the input and listening I will try the pic again later!!
That never seems to work very well on this site if you’re just using the “upload” button in the wysiwyg editor. I gave up a couple of times before I tried using this image hoster, which worked fine:
I don’t know what to say here other than than he is a teenager, and this is going to be a rough time for him. I was diagnosed at 16 and while I was a pretty responsible and trouble-free teen, I was just lost for years when it came to my diabetes. Most teens are not the rigid and disciplined type, which is the best type to be when you have T1. I was a mess during late high school and college, but finally got my act together once I graduated, got a real job and my schedule stabilized.
Does he feel his lows coming on? Does he check his BG at least 4x a day? If so, that may be as good as it gets for a while. Just periodically ask him how he’s doing and what his A1C is, and ensure he gets to his endo at least 3x/year. Suggest to him that he grant you permission to request his medical records every so often, but don’t hover and just do it maybe once or twice a year. He’s lucky that his Mom was so involved, mine wasn’t in the least. Yes I had a rough start, but I got back on track on my own merit and have stayed on track ever since, which was about 25 years ago, and I’m still here.
Thanks for sharing Angivan, It seems like the trend to settle out in early adulthood. I guess we could also chalk it up to brain development, teens aren’t quit ripe so to speak! I feel like I can think threw a bolus and go up or down where he just does what his pump says. He tests a a little less now that he has a CGM but still several times a day depending on what is going on, and he definitely feels his lows. I am glad that you got yourself on track, I think you are right routine and discipline are the way to go. Jacob is pretty organized and tends to make good decisions so I suspect he will be a ‘good diabetic’ as an adult! Thanks for you input! Amy
Oh goodness, where do I start?
I lived it. My parents put me in control of my diabetes the day I was released from the hospital, 11 years old. I think they feared they would accidentally kill me (kinda funny…).
When I went off to college I wanted to fit in. I joined a sorority. I partied with the frat guys and ate like them too. I drank too much… I became almost 300lbs. I was hospitalized multiple times. I was on academic probation twice.
I screwed up.
Distancing myself from the sorority and seeing pictures of myself helped to get me back on track. Like addicts, you can’t get help if you aren’t willing to help yourself. I stopped eating crap and I stopped drinking. I worked out, graduated, pulled my head out of my butt.
It took a long time and I feel like I lost a lot of time dealing with it all, but I lived and I’m stronger and better off now.
Try to give him something to work for. Or ask him if he’d like to join you in an epic challenge of getting fit. Inspire those around you and they will join you. And badgering doesn’t work. Hopefully he won’t need the big scare like I did.
Sarah, thanks for sharing your experience. It seems like some children in your generation and previous were given total control, perhaps a heads in the sand approach for some parents? this generation with CGM’s ect parents are more the helicopter type! I waited to get a CGM for Jacob till it was his choice, just two months ago, I never wanted him to be tied to what his bs was every second when he was a child, but thats our experience. So glad you got help. I honestly think owning whatever you are completely is the only way to succeed in life. It seems like Jacobs girlfriend istn’t there yet, but Jacob mostly is, he may not be actively trying in improve things but he is doing the basics and I guess that is ok at his age. Last night we were talking about diet, i am eating gluten free and suggested some day when he grows up he might want to try it or at least eating lower carb, not saying he has to just that it usually helps people with D and it will be his choice someday not now. Planting seeds, all I can do! Blessings to you Sarah glad you are owning it and healthy!
My mom was no help to me but to scold me about not checking blood sugar and I would blow her off and leave the room. i moved out at 18 years old to attend a 4-year university 140 miles away, considered a party school. This is when all they had was insulin via syringe. I don’t recall ever seeing a doctor during college. My mom would mail me insulin and test strips every 2-3 months. Or, I would drive down to get it and stay for a weekend. I was not the best diabetic but I did keep up with exercising, I gained “the freshman 15” and then lost it by choosing better foods. In my senior year, I was really focusing on running to the school gym, working out, running back. Fast forward a couple years later- I got my first job at a law firm and finally saw a doctor. His nurse YELLED at me for such brittle care. I never forgot it and changed my ways. I’ve had 2 kids since- healthy bouncy kids. So, if he’s going down a wrong path w/ diabetic care, hopefully he’ll wake up and hopefully soon - maybe call his doctor (endocrinologist) and have them send him to a nurse practitioner specialist to manage him once a month so they can keep him in normal range.
Trust him, Mom. Yes, he is young and will make mistakes. I was diagnosed at age 12, so I lived the “going to college and being responsible for myself” routine. I didn’t always eat perfectly; I drank too much my freshman year; I didn’t test as much as I should have, but I also survived, and so will he.
Let him know you are concerned, but then back off and trust that he HAS that solid base you gave him to make good decisions because he has a good head on his shoulders. Will he always live as you would? No. What young adult does? But if you frankly tell him that you love him and trust that he know how to take care of himself, he probably will live up to that trust without any bribes or other motivations needed. Stay in contact, but don’t ask him about his numbers. He will tell you what you need to know, and you will know by just listening to him how he is doing with his diabetes.
Thanks Sherry Ann, I totally agree with you. Although I did have a bit of rant with him last night He had answers for the crazy numbers, bad pod over night super high in am, he changed it out. the high at night was because he forgot to bolus at work again. I do think communications like this are necessary, so I could validate good job you changed your pod when you knew there was a problem and please try to bolus at work, i left it off with you know i love and trust you but I care. My husband went in and chatted with him about not supporting his brother and family in general at times, although harsh words can sting I know he is motivated by positive reinforcement and likes to be told he is doing a good job, i am hoping he will think about our conversations and take it to heart. But yes backing off is definitely required but he also needs to know we are on his team and are not just throwing him the heavy load to carry all alone.