my appointment at the joslin center on friday didn’t tell me anything i didn’t already know.
the smug smirk of the nurse practitioner as she asked me the question in my blog title… after revealing my current 14 A1c… i wanted to smack the f&%$G smirk off of her face. her with her functioning pancreas, not at the mercy of some molecules in a needle… all you have to do is this, or all you have to do is that.
I am not in denial about my diabetes. It controls every thing i do, every second i am awake, and even asleep and dreaming. I am very contrary to denial. I am in a heightened state of awareness.
I am so ridiculously educated about this disease after almost 13 years with it, that i am completely confident that i could teach a class on how to manage it.
but it’s not working for me. it is not like the diabetes commercials. “i ate some damn chicken and a salad, then walked pleasantly along a beach and now my bloodsugar is 94” NO. it isn’t like that at all.
i feel like a useless waste of human space.
i am ashamed of myself.
i am on a slow and numbing path to death, and i feel like i deserve it.
i am a slave to food.
all the time.
i want to eat, then i feel scared to take the correct dose of insulin, then i eat anyway because i am hungry, then i feel guilty, then , here come to high bloodsugars.
i think about having children someday, all the time.of course i do. i am in a stable and loving monogamous relationship and am 24 years old. but i am crying myself to sleep knowing that i am not even going to live to see my own marriage.