Hi. Well I’ve never “blogged” before so I’m not sure what to say so I am going to ramble…and something interesting might come out! I feel like I should be witty and funny, but I’m not sure I can do that???
Since this site is related to diabetes, I feel I must share with you all my experiences. I have had diabetes for 20 years. Diagnosed at age 13. I have been on a diabetes rollercoaster the whole time. Fortunately, I am in good shape–no complications. I have 2 great kids aged 7 and 5 and a great husband. On the outside, things look great! But on the inside, I am a mess.
I absolutely, 100%, completely, totally HATE HATE HATE diabetes and all that comes along with it. I always tell my doctors and myself that I have been in complete denial of this disease the WHOLE TIME but no one wants to help me process it and move forward. Maybe it’s something I have to do on my own. So I’m going to try. As I get older, I realize that I am responsible for myself, no one else. But part of growing is acknowledging the truth. So here it is.
All I EVER hear is “you might be fine now…but just WAIT. Do you want to live to see your kids get married? Do you want to be blind? On dialysis? What if you lose your leg?” UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! I can’t stand hearing all these things, repeatedly. NO DUH I know the risks. I am not only living w/ diabetes but I am also an RN and I spent many years working in the hospital, preaching to other diabetics how important it is to be in control, etc… all the while knowing I’m a fraud! Do as I say, not as I do…has always been my philosopy.
I’m going to confess…I’ve always steered FAR away from any websites/blogs/support groups related to diabetes because I can’t stand to see how some people are sooo in control, follow their diet, use their pumps and blood testers as they are supposed to. It really makes me feel bad. Really bad. I feel like a total failure.
So, what do I do to make myself feel better, you ask? Maybe down a huge bowl of Lucky Charms or eat an entire box of donuts (in one sitting). Feel like crap cuz i’m full and my blood sugar is now 400 so I over bolus and my blood sugar drops and then I rebound and it goes on and on. I eat the most unhealthy diet ever. Seriously. i will never openly admit it but ALL I eat is junk food. Sugary, fatty, carb-ie foods that are awful. Ihave no clue what a healthy meal is. I don’t cook. We eat out, alot. It’s embarassing. And the worst thing is that I AM INTENTIONALLY doing it to myself. I could eat healthy, I choose not to. I could exercise, I choose not to. I could test 20 times a day, I choose not to. Why? I DON"T KNOW why! Is it denial? Self-sabotage? Stupidity? Immaturity? Some crazy psychological disorder? I don’t know but I think it’s a combo of them all.
I want to be healthy. I want to eat right and exercise and have STABLE blood sugars. i did it when I was pregnant and I know I can do it. I don’t know what it’s going to take. I keep pushing the envelope, just like a drug addict sees how far they can push their high before they OD.
Awful analogy, I know. But its true. I do NOT do drugs, I do like to drink beer socially. I used to smoke in high school/college but I met a really nice lady when I was in nursing school and she told me that if she knew smoking would have caused her to die from cancer…and she was having a miserable death…that she would have NEVER done it. That day I quit my 1 pack per day smoking habit. I decided I do NOT want to end up like her.
So I’ll probably end up on dialysis, no legs, no eyes, neuropathy…all MY fault. I will probably be THAT lady telling some young nursing student, that if I only knew…
Man, I am feeling a bit stupid. I am typing like a madwoman and I am realizing that I really am angry and scared of the future. Funny how letting things out can help you discover what’s been pent up.
So now I am afraid that everyone will think I am crazy but I actually feel better. I’m NOT crazy. I just have a lot of bad feelings about having diabetes and I think I am finally ready to start addressing them.
Thanks for reading this.
I understand a lot of where you’re coming from. Up until this September, I was just like you described: I ate exclusively junk–fast food especially, entire boxes of cookies. Rarely cooked. Didn’t even bother counting carbs, and instead went “eh, this much insulin will keep me from being too high” because I would eat these same horrible foods constantly. I never exercised and I took upwards of 100u of insulin a day. I checked my sugar only once a day!
Finally in September I decided I was tired of feeling so miserable all the time and took the plunge into a complete lifestyle change. It was the feeling bad that did it for me (years later…haha). Threats of complications always just made me mad and retaliate by eating everything I shouldn’t. During college I had an endo that played a major guilt trip game with me, and I just stopped going until he wouldn’t refill my prescriptions anymore (then I found a new doctor…haha).
I know how you feel about avoiding these sites because the really active people seem so perfect! How do they do it!? I remember when I first came across the “How many carbs do you eat per day/meal?” thread and being completely SHOCKED by how few carbs other members here consume. But then I read more and find out they’re not actually having the easiest time either! Then once I started trying to change, this site became the most invaluable resource to me. There’s nobody here telling you that you CAN’T do/eat certain things, but rather they give awesome advice and tips, and just stories of experience with eating, exercising, the pump, etc.
Best of luck! Read around at some of the stories by other members, one in particular, I think is linked on the front page of a man who has had diabetes for 62 years and has no complications despite having diabetes during a time when they had so little available to help control blood sugar levels. His story just made me feel better about things…that it’s not hopeless if we’re not strictstrictperfect. 
Hi Julie, Wow…you gave yourself a good beating…don’t be so hard on yourself! We all have done ‘crazy’ things with our diabetes and we have all been (at least I have) in denial at some point in their life. Don’t think about what you have done in the past…just live for the future. Once you get in the habit of eating healthy you will feel sooo much better that you will want to do it. I really try to eat correctly and all…but sometimes there is just no reason for high blood sugars. The other day I got up at 135 and by the time I ate breakfast it was 414…then I changed my pump site and over bolused and went to 42…I am still a little messed up today…but by tomorrow it should all level out. We can’t determine if we will have complications…I just keep a positive mindset that I won’t have complications…38 years and none so far!..but if they happen, I will deal with them. Things could always be worse. I try to keep in mind that this is treatable…there are so many diseases that are not. Keep that head up and read and talk with people on this site…you will see that we all suffer with the same issues…just part of being a diabetic! Take care!
Julie,
I think many of us have been in denial in the past. I was once an “unhealthy & uncaring” diabetic. I think part of it is just wanting to be like everyone else…not having diabetes. I think this web-site helps a lot of people. Very few people have an easy time with diabetes… Let’s face it, this disease sucks! We have to make the best of it and be there for each other.
Kevin
Julie,
We all are the same,diabetics or not.Once we confess we feel better.This community taught me a lot on personal level.Friends here are open and supportive,no arrogance or false pretence.Happy you joined us.
Julie,
Glad you found us we help people by listening and understanding, everyone goes thru denial at some point and some take longer than others. we don’t want to hear we are stuck in a rut of making choices, me included and i decided to take care of my self but the doctors were not listening and i was getting very sick. I was tired all the time and couldn’t stay awake on a car ride 20 miles from home. I was not sick due to my lack of taking care of myself, i was sick because the doctors did not listen. I am allergic to sulfa, all oral medications for diabetes are sulfa based and the more they increased my medication the sicker i was feeling. Then my daughter was diagnosed and put on insulin, I went on the internet and decided to do my research and that is when i found out my medication was making me sick. I stopped taking it for 2 weeks and felt a whole lot better, I called my doctor and said i refuse to take my meds and i will need insulin to treat my BG’s, I hated the idea of shot but i was so tired of being sick. I made an appointment and he said i should see a diabetes specialized doctor, so i called around and got another doctor. Good reputation, poor communication with patients, with the help of my educator i was put on insulin and then i wanted a pump since my amount of insulin was not small. The doctor said no, your not a good candidate. I asked my educator and she said yes you are a good candidate and who is he to tell you that? She helped me file a report to turn him in to the state medical board. I quit seeing doctors for several years and only went to my educator and dietition, a new doctor has started in our area and he too has diabetes and is on a pump. He fully understands what i tell him, I now have no problems getting my supplies i need timely. the other doctor wouldn’t get my scripts called in to my pharmacy when i needed them. I have no problems getting new insulin pumps of my choice and now i will be getting the navigator with his help due to all the lows i have been having lately, I have no signs of lows. only highs. I am now fighting the lows and with his help i will get better control than i had with the previous doctor. I have been fighting the doctors for my daughter now and asked her to change to my doctor, but we can’t get her in until March next year. we will be happier when we both have great control. I am lucky to have really good insurance, but with a lousy doctor that is unwilling to help get things needed to be healthy, my insurance does me no good cause they are not doctors.
I hope you continue to vent with us and read what others here say, it has helped just to read and know I am not alone with my feelings and the experiences of others. Best wishes and good luck.