That Taboo Topic

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This was originally posted to my blog, Diabetes Odyssey.

Question: Would you consider a non-compliant diabetic as committing suicide?

I brought this up with my psychiatrist today.

Shrink: “Have you felt suicidal in the past two weeks?”

Me: “I have an autoimmune disease, no matter if my mind wants to or not, my body is constantly trying to commit suicide.”

Shrink:“So, is that a yes or a no?”

As a child I rebelled against my diabetes. I knew how to take care of myself and I knew damn well what would happen if I didn’t. But I didn’t take care of myself anyway. As a result I was constantly bombarded by my family and doctors with comments such as:

“You know you’re just committing very slow suicide, don’t you?”

I knew, and I did it anyway.

Many times in my life I have been so frustrated with trying to get it right, trying to get it under control, but not seeing any positive results. I would get burnt out and I would think things like, “What’s the use, why try? I just keep failing.” I would want to just give up. I would want to live like a “normal” person and eat what, when, and how much I want! Not check my BG, not take medication or insulin.

DAMN THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

But I would come to my senses. I would buck up and keep trying. I would say “No, no, no. I want to be healthy.”

But the past week or two I’ve found myself thinking the former, but not thinking or feeling the latter…

I told my psychiatrist:

“Last night I was laying in bed and I thought to myself, ‘I can wake up tomorrow morning and stop taking all my meds, and eat how I want, and live how I want…and I really don’t care what happens’. But of course, I woke up today and I took my meds and I did what I’m supposed to do…”

After talking about this and my past…my diagnosis story, and watching my family members die of the very same disease I have, and how it all shaped who I am and my loathing of my disease and myself… he suggested we make a treatment plan based on grief counseling. He believes my suffering is rooted in grief over not only loss of loved ones, but also of my feelings of loss of self.

I lost my identity when I was diagnosed. Everything changed in that moment, more than I ever knew. I was ripped away from me, and I had no idea who I was anymore. I didn’t like who I was now.

It makes perfect sense to me.

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I think I have similar feelings Tamra, I do my best with this but it really is enough to put you in a looney bin for sure… whatever you do a lot of the time it doesn’t really work that well or consistently and I feel sick. I just want to be the person I was before, I want myself as I was back without all this garbage to deal with. I kind of agree with your body is trying to commit suicide, I would go further and say your diabetes is trying to commit murder lol.

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It sounds like you have a very good psychiatrist.

The question of suicide is an interesting one. I don’t think it has a simple answer. I mean, I’ve been spending the last several days with high blood sugar literally non-stop. Today, my blood sugar was finally better after jacking up my basal rate by about 10 units over the past few days and decreasing my carb and correction ratios. But tonight I went out and knowingly bought a bunch of carb-heavy foods and ate (and enjoyed!) them. My blood sugar went high (but not alarmingly high, around 200) for several hours. Is that “committing suicide” because I knowingly exposed my body to damaging blood sugars for a few hours? I doubt it. People smoke, eat junk food, and do other unhealthy things that they know are damaging their body every day. Heck, just living in a city I’m sure I’m breathing in a bunch of pollution. Just stepping outside and being alive I’m exposing myself to stuff I’m allergic to, like pollen and dust and dander, that I know my body is reacting to (because I need daily medication to stop the symptoms). If I avoided doing all of that stuff, I’d live in a sterile bubble and become a robot with eating and life would lose most of its enjoyment.

I like what you said about our bodies trying to kill us, because it’s true. Those of us with autoimmune conditions and allergies and the like have bodies that are trying to kill us all the time. Heck, if I stopped taking medications for a few days and stopped managing allergen avoidance, if I didn’t die from DKA I’d die from Graves’ or I’d die from an allergic reaction or an asthma attack. My actions are keeping me alive, not committing suicide. And yet, I’m not perfect, so there are times that I just get tired of the grind and slack off (not counting carbs properly, not reading the ingredients list before eating, eating a bunch of junk food that I know isn’t good for me, and yes, not taking medication once in a while). It’s exhausting the effort we have to put into our health compared to most people!

I also think grief and Type 1 is NOT dealt with properly in children. Children are diagnosed and are just expected to go on with life as usual. I had an emotional meltdown in my 20s related to a whole ton of emotions about Type 1 suddenly pouring out when I didn’t even know they existed. Even now, I have a lot of emotions around my health and health issues that I struggle with daily at times.

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That about sums it up, the body is committing suicide!
Mando1

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I could commit suicide by the inaction of stopping medications. I am sure the hypothyroid would kill me before diabetes did. That will be a grossly unpleasant way to fade away.

Anyway, if I really decided to commit suicide I will do it with a huge dose of fast acting insulin. That will be sure and quick and not terribly messy.

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Personally, I don’t really like the term “suicide.” I think a better term is “choosing to live.” Most people who don’t have diabetes walk through their lives every day without “choosing to live.” But those of us with diabetes have to “choose to live” multiple times every day. I think it can be insulting to ask us if we think about suicide. Why don’t they ask us if we ever think about “not choosing to live.” All of us would probably answer that at times we have thought about that. We think about just having something to eat that we want, or just skipping our medication or exercise. Or just not bothering our life with that high or low. Nobody every gives us credit for “choosing to live” many times every day. Instead they ask us a stupid question about whether we have thought about suicide.

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Good reply Brian! Actually I am sure every one has thought of, even if not seriously, suicide. But suicide is, actually a way out… choosing live long and as healthy as we can takes endurance and fortitude…

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Tamra, I’m glad you chose to live when you woke up this morning. And I hope you make the same choice tomorrow. And on every day following that. Because so very many lives besides mine would be a heck of a lot emptier without you. :heart:️:heart:️:heart:️

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That really describes how I felt at diagnosis and I wish, in hindsight, that I had talked to a therapist about it instead of struggling so long to come to terms with all the changes in my life. Thanks, Tamra, for sharing your experience. Namaste :pray:

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I think the point about grief and grief counseling is a bull’s eye. I haven’t asked her but I’m positive my shrink would say the same thing. And she’d be right. I also second Brian’s comments, emphatically. And Rose’s.

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Thank you. :slight_smile:

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I’ve had those thoughts too. “Just forget it, I’m going live like a normal person and that’s that”. But then I think about how long that will last. So, I stop taking insulin (or maybe only take basal). My BGs are constantly high. I’m sick, throwing up, and tired all the time. Eventually, I can’t see anymore, I have debilitating neuropathy, my kidneys give up the fight. I think it’s normal to think about giving up and just living life until you die, but it won’t be a normal life regardless. We, as PWDs, have no choice to live a “normal” life. We either do what we can to take care of ourselves or are incredibly sick for the remainder of our time on earth. I used to not have such great control, especially as a teenager (I think most have gone through this). In part because of my own decisions, and sadly in part because of a crappy endo. Then I got a few complications. I realized my only choices were to treat the D or be sick. Just dying is not an option for us (under these circumstances).

I can’t stand it when a non-D tells me they would die if they had to do everything I did. I ask them what they would do if they had to jump out of a second story window because their house is on fire. Is it going to suck? Yep, you betcha. Will it be worse than burning to death? Nope. Not taking our meds won’t simply kill us, it will torture us.

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Not meaning to trivialize any of this in any way, but . . . everyone’s body kills them, eventually. The only choices we get are what we do with the time we have, how we manage it, and what we get out of it.

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True, but most people don’t need to actively give their body so much care to stay alive and healthy. We have all the regular stuff (eating, drinking, sleep, hygiene, exercise, mental health) plus all the extra crap that comes along with diabetes and/or any other health issues that require daily management. It takes a lot more effort for us to stay healthy; or, conversely, takes a lot less slacking off before we hit serious health consequences.

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Of course it does, I don’t think anyone has even hinted otherwise. But the point of the thread, as I take it, isn’t how much we have to do, but how we deal with it. Some days it’s tolerable, other days less so. The question posed—as I understand it—was, is it worth it? My answer is a resounding yes.

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As we age life and things happen, health is better or worse,
By any name I have not concidered killing myself. Depression is one condition diabetes is another.

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I just saw your post. I can relate. I feel like my body has betrayed me. This diagnosis and all that is required because if it just takes over every aspect of life. Right now I am feeling discouraged for several reasons. I hope you are well and it is great that you have a psychiatrist that understands you and the diabetes.

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Exactly, the level of care is a huge burden in itself… and knowing you will never be free of it and it could get even worse over time.

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Tamra, who wrote this piece, has a good psychiatrist, I have a bunch of wacko doctors who criticize me and who admit they have NO idea how to help me… doctors and other caregivers can become part of the problem and stress with this disease. My endo referred me to someone at some point who is a supposed diabetes therapist who is also type 1. I never went to her and later I found out from other type 1 adults in a meeting that they hated her and that she was very nasty to them.

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I got almost no support either, we’re just expected to carry on and act like everything is fine whether it is or not. I had a long recuperation and I got little help really if any for the emotional aspects of dealing with this disease and when I finally asked a few times I was sent to a nasty person who I fortunately decided not to go to.