A note to the reader who’s accidentally stumbled upon this–just a little exercise in venting, and is not worth your time to read. It’s a downer and self-indulgent, that’s for sure.
Since my diagnosis 4 months ago, I’ve felt like I’ve accidentally caught a glimpse at the ending few pages of the book of my life–it’s a pathetic and painful one, comes substantially sooner than expected, and is without even an illusion of meaning or purpose. With that information (once glimpsed, impossible to forget), what interest can any of the minor plot twists in the intervening pages offer? Yet I’m stuck mechanically turning pages. A large part of me would rather put the book down now, cut off the story here, but I know I can’t because of the pain that would cause other people who are reading the story over my shoulder.
Or maybe a better analogy is that of the writer of this story. Somewhere a bit over what was supposed to be a quarter of the way through, an all-power editor of some sort imposed that arbitrary and unhappy ending and also cut out an unexpected quarter of the blank pages. The writer is still left with the task of filling the remaining blank pages, but the ending the writer was working for is no long possible, and the structure doesn’t even fit.
Sure, the unexpected can always happen. Anyone’s story can abruptly end without warning. But if you don’t know what the ending will be there’s some mystery left, some hope, and some interest in the pages.
If you are feeling this despondent because of your diabetes diagnosis, please cheer up. It is not foregone that you will develop any complications at all. Make use of the technology available today and read up on a few books like Dr. Bernstein’s, learn about limiting the carbs in your daily food intake and you will see that you might actually survive all your peers and lead a far healthier and happier life than you foresee for yourself.
i want my tombstone to read: killed by sugar, cuz it will be the death of me
“But, I’ll be damned if I couldn’t afford myself. My pride was at stake, never mind my well-being, my organs. I never asked anyone for help. I never even thought of going ‘home.’ I was going to do this all by myself with stubborness to boot! I would take care of me. Anyway, no one knew that I was ‘a diabetic.’ Most people didn’t know what that was if only ‘she can’t eat sugar.’ That is where the unstanding stopped - such an understatement.” Page 134, “My Diabetic Soul - An Autobiography.”
Just something to think on, I went to a woman’s funeral this week, she was a neighbor, I’d been in her house often enough to say, I’d even helped fill her meds for her when her arthritic fingers wouldn’t move well enough. But for the life of me, I didn’t read the meds with the same interest as maybe I should have. She was 86 and died of old age, but the kicker for your unended story was she was a type I diabetic…with no signs of complications. 86 is old if you are “our” age…and she didn’t have the wonderful treatment that we have. It could happen. And I’ll be damned if I am going to let the “D” be the reason for my death…it doesn’t have to be that way.
You don’t know what the ending will be. My belief is that we write our own stories.
I’m guessing that you’re young from “a quarter of the way through.”
Please get some help for your suicidal thoughts.
I have the same book, but it sure seems to have more blank pages than it did. In fact, pages have been ripped out – the “in sickness and health” chapter. Now there’s a twist – never did see that coming.
Yes, I suppose I could fill in the blanks… but my imagination has quit. Not finding much inspiration.
So perhaps it’s best to simply shelve this for awhile. There’ll be dust to contend with later, but at least I know where to find it.
You haven’t mentioned your age. I am a diabetic for about 18 years. Just remember that there are going to be good and bad days!!! Trust me in another you will have more life experiences than any one else and the best part is you will get to know the true meaning of Life. Diabetes will teach you the importance of discipline more than any one else.
In another 20 years you will be a lot smarter than any of your peers and a lot of wisdom to share with other young diabetics. Most importantly you will understand the importance of staying on the middle path and avoid the lows and highs not just in diabetes but in any thing you do in your life. You will also understand that anything that goes high has to come down and anything that is low has to go up!!!
When I was diagnosed, I fell into a funk. Before, I was immortal, after diagnosis I faced my pending death. Both my parents had died just a few years older than I was at the time and it really hit me hard. But over time, I’ve realized that to have such a thing happen is not an early termination of my story, but an unexpected twist in the plot. Looking back, I now realize that while diabetes places me at risk of dying at an earlier age or complications, it also made me realize I had not taken care of myself. I am now much more diligent about taking care of myself.
Looking back if I had a choice, “no diabetes and just following the path I was on” or “diabetes and changing my life to the way it is,” I would have to think really hard about the the choice. Life is not about how much you have left, it is about how you live what you have left. You will wake up one of these mornings and the fog will clear, it will be a bright sunny day and you will you realize that no matter what happens you can be happy.
I posted under your high and low discussion alot about how I felt too at the beginning. So you can read that if you have not.
I felt lke you say above - like the story had been changed and I didn’t authorize it! I still get mad sometimes because mine D is just bad genes as far as I know. I hate not being in control of things and at first this was one of those things. Now, I AM controling it. I still hate it. But it now knows that I am in charge here and not it. Of course, I don’t feel like that everyday but if my bod is gonna dork out on me I am going to have some say in the matter.
Are you a writer? Your blog is written so uniquely.
"I have the same book, but it sure seems to have more blank pages than it did. In fact, pages have been ripped out – the “in sickness and health” chapter."
What booK?!!!
A.K. Buckroth, the metaphorical book of one’s lifetime, in which diabetes features too prominently.
I would prefer saying “Ending has been changed!!!”