Please do not judge me from what I am about to say.I have been a diabulimic for the past 6 years.Today I finally admitted this to my healthcare team and they have agreed to work with me.I always held the belief that if i didnt give my insulin i could eat what i wanted and not gain weight...but this doesnt seem to be the case for me...for thepast month i had ben eating whatever i wanted...nutella icecream..bad food and not taking my insulin...and i gained 14 pounds in the last month and my hba1c increased...Does this mean that if i eat healthily from now on but take my insulin that i wont gain weight from improved control??Iam going to take my insulin nayway but I would just like to know what yer opinions/experiences are on insulin and weight??Any advice accepted..I am confused and scared!xx
Hi Beibhinn. I am so glad you decided to break your secret and get help. I hope your healthcare team refers you to either a general eating disorder program or one that specializes in Diabulimia. Eating Disorders need the care and knowledge of people who specialize in that are. What I want to tell you first and foremost is this: Recovery is possible. I had an eating disorder for about 30 years. In September this year I will have 18 years of recovery. I was only diagnosed with Type 1 five years ago so I never had diabulimia but I do know how many food issues diabetes brings up.
I learned many things that have enabled me to be in recovery for 17 years, but one of the first things I learned was that it wasn't about the weight. I had lost and gained the same 20 pounds which became 40 pounds at the end many times. In the end all I wanted was for the craziness of my ED to end and to live a normal life. I let go of worrying about my weight because in the beginning that would be a trigger for me to go through the whole cycle again.
I'm glad you are going to eat healthy and take your insulin and my suggestion is to find a "middle ground" in how you eat. I suggest you eliminate sugar completely because for people with eating disorders sugar is addictive. But beyond that I suggest you find a moderate way to eat, however you choose to define that. I suggest you don't go on a strict diet or be super rigid because that is part of the cycle and you will relapse. Find something healthy but enjoyable; yes, learn to enjoy your food!
But again, I'm going to tell you that just deciding you are going to "eat healthy and take your insulin" isn't enough. You've been diabulimic for 6 years and depending on your age you probably had food issues before that. Even more important, there are always emotional issues that underlie eating disorders; the food and weight are just symptoms. So I do recommend you find a program or a therapist who is experienced in working with eating disorders, and, if possible diabulimia. I also recommend OA for ongoing daily support. It isn't easy, but you can do it!
There's no guarantee that improved control will cause weight loss. I think that control has to be the #1 priority w/ diabetes. Once you have that, *then* you can see what inputs are getting you the control and work to change them if your weight isn't where you want it to be. I try not to look at food as "good" or "bad" but just like part of the process that you can change to work to meet goals. Out of control BG is not necessarily "bad" as much as it has huge risk of consequences? Even good control doesn't guarantee no consequences but I want to try to stack the odds as much in my favor as I can?
You are not alone! Despite what endos have said in the past, diabulemia is a very common problem among women with T1. There are plenty of folks who have been through what you're going through. While I've never had full-blown diabulemia, I have struggled with weight/body-image issues probably to the same extent that every woman has and have teetered on that diabulemia edge close enough that I can see how some folks slip off. I can still remember exactly how I learned about diabulemia (from another T1 classmate in 7th grade) and it just sounded so awesome. Eat whatever I want and not gain weight? Sounded too good to be true, and it was.
The human body is a very smart machine. It has weird tricks that it pulls to stay alive when it thinks it is starving. It is very likely that you're metabolism is trying to save you from starvation somehow.
The first thing you need to do is to STOP looking at the numbers on your scale and stop worrying about your weight (easier said than done, I know). Don't weigh yourself. When I went through some bad periods of becoming a little obsessed about my weight, I actually asked my endo at the time to stop weighing me because I would fixate on those numbers in a very unhealthy way. Focus on the numbers on your meter and getting those back into range. The only thing you need to be worried about right now is keeping your blood sugar in some sort of healthy range. Just be aware that as you come back into range, your body is going to freak out a bit. You may get bloated and may also feel like you're low all the time. Just ride it out. These symptoms will pass!
Take your insulin and check your blood sugar. That's all you need to do right now. Start there and work with your health care team to get back in shape. Find some sort of moderate exercise (walking, swimming, dancing, anything!). Exercise improves your mood and, for me, can help get my mind off negative body-image feelings (because I'm doing something to make my body look good). Focus your energy on being HEALTHY, not on what the scale says.
Check out Jess's blog over at Me and D (http://www.meanddblog.com/). She struggles with food issues too and I know that I was so relieved when I read her blog to see that I was not the only T1 who had struggled with some sort of food issue. I think because many of us were raised during a time when there was such an intense focus on controlling food and eating as a way of controlling T1D, we developed an array of eating issues. I know I personally was able to put a lot of this stuff behind me once I realized that I was not some weird freak for having these thoughts/problems. Once the source started to make sense for me, I was able to stop any issue before it developed into something bigger.