A New Beginning

Hello my new diabetic friends and friends who love a diabetic... What a great idea this website is. It is so nice to feel connected and not alone in a disease that can be so isolating. At least it has been that way for me for many many years. I have just two days ago started on pump therapy and with that began a new way of respecting my body and myself. I am done hiding, I am done feeling like less and like I am flawed because my body doesn't make insulin. My heart and soul are whole and beautiful, I am no less or no more than anyone else and neither is my body or worth. This is the truth. Enough with the fear.

I figured I would share a blog I posted 3 days ago on my myspace page. To let my friends and loved ones know of my choice to start the pump. Many may have not even known I was diabetic even though we may have known one another and been friends for years... Like I said I am done hiding.... Here is is, and it just flowed perfect and true...the way truth always is.

Hello my beloved family & friends,...

Well, I debated sharing a big happening in my life that begins tomorrow and I have decided that I will as a acknowledgement to my self acceptance, and trust that I am known, loved, supported and accepted by most of you beyond any condition.

As you may or may not know I have been a type 1 diabetic for the past 14 years, hearing at the time, this devastating diagnosis two days before my 17th birthday was something that I was totally unprepared and unable to face and acknowledge. I at first was told to alter my diet and just eat low carb and keep my body healthy. I was given oral medication, and tested my blood sugars once and awhile and since I was still producing insulin that was enough to control my blood sugars. I rationalized they must be mistaken, I feel fine and I am 17 just leave me alone. So I continued to party, ate less sugar and carbs (but still way too much) and took my medicines. Everything seemed fine, even though my energy levels were not the best...

Until about two years later, my pancreas stopped producing the little insulin it was and my blood sugar began to climb. I was eating like crazy but losing weight everyday. My energy levels really started to decline and I knew something was wrong. I went to my doctor and sure enough she confirmed my body was no longer producing the little insulin it was before and the oral medication would no longer work at controlling my blood sugar. I was going to have to begin injecting insulin. I felt as if my whole life was crumbling in that moment, I cried so hard I couldn't speak and barely breathe. I had no choice they told me, this was a means of survival and without the injected insulin I wouldn't survive. My body would begin failing rapidly and there was no choice in taking insulin.

So I coped the only way I could I became numb and frozen to Diabetes. I closed down to my body and did what I had to do to survive but never was proactive in caring for my health or compliant with all the endless advice the doctors poured out. I was injecting about 4 times a day and either felt only angry or numb at every reminder of my diabetes and caring for myself.

This attitude and rejection of my condition continued for the last 14 years. I have hated diabetes and all the threat of future complications. I have ignored, rejected and denied my diagnosis since the day it was given and it was only in meeting the guardian angel in my life Matthew that this became not an option. He loves me and couldn't bear to watch me abuse my body and ignore my health, knowing that I would someday pay a great price for this denial and that the deterioration of my health was inevitable if I continued to not care for myself and my health. Which meant acknowledging and accepting my diabetes and doing what it took to treat it and protect me health. After so many years of being stuck in not accepting my diagnosis this was not easy for me to swallow. I may be soft but I don't conform with ease. I fought to be left alone about my diabetes, I fought to eat what I want when I want and take my insulin if I want. Being that Matthew cares so much this didn't go over well but he realized I wasn't budging. This being the only issue we ever fought over, he decided to let it go and hoped I would think about his concern and come around. I knew in my heart he was right...

My intuition started to kick in and I knew in my heart that I could only ignore my condition for so long and be as blessed as I have been to have not been immobilized by the endless complications of uncontrolled diabetes. I realized it wasn't going away and only would escalate; ignoring it unfortunately didn't make it not so. Believe me I tried.

So after 14 years of not facing it, 4 months ago I decided to do whatever it took to get my diabetes in control and managed. For me I decided this meant starting on an insulin pump, this is a highly advanced minicomputer about 2"x3" I will wear that works like a normal working pancreas it is attached by a very thin line of tubing that connects to me by a 6mm piece of tubing that is injected into my skin. I will change it every two days but I will thankfully be injecting myself much less than I currently have to do. It will give my body a constant supply of insulin mimicking a normal healthy pancreas, and then I just press a button at meals and receive another dosage to cover those carbs so that the energy from the food can get into my cells. It is an amazing incredible piece of equipment. I decided to see a specialist and a team of diabetes professionals who required in order to begin the pump I track my blood sugars 6 times a day, count and track everything I ate and list the carbs in every item. I had to keep a food diary and list the amount of insulin I took to cover the food. Talk about facing it head on, this was not easy after it being suppressed for so many years. It brought up so much crap, so many bad feelings and loss of complete control. I actually was going through what a professional said was grief of the loss of the freedom and the realization of how vulnerable I truly was. This was walking through hell for me, 4 months of pain for me and anyone around me. But I didn't stop, I didn't have that choice, health was and is my choice.

So the good news is...I have walked through the dark emptiness of denial and I have begun to see life again is beautiful, meaningful, and precious and I can do this! I am so endlessly grateful to Matthew for putting up with my stubbornness and loving me through all the ups and downs of my emotions while coming to terms with....what is.

Tomorrow is a new beginning; I will start the pump and start the new adventure of getting that all dialed in and working in the most perfect customized way for my body. It won't be easy at first, but after what I have been through and faced I have no doubt I can do it.

It is important that you my loved ones know this about me because to know and love me you must know me...all of me and this is a part I have kept hidden from myself and from many of you as well. I think of it of turning on the light and when you do that in your life all that hides in the shadows disappears. Darkness cannot exist where light shine. I hope that my story helps you in some way to accept and love about yourself what maybe you have hidden, hated or denied. I promise its much worse ignored than faced head on. I hope it is also a lesson in compassion for yourself and others, know that everyone has something and life isn't pain free for anyone. It is how you walk through it; it is shining that light in the dark areas of your life and believing you deserve more. This is what brings meaning to your life. This I have found is living.

It is said, "Nobody ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it."

Life is good and that doesn't have anything to do with being easy. Peace isn't a condition found by outside conditions made perfect, it is only know by an inner strength and faith that we are beyond circumstance and protected beyond condition. It is the constant behind and before the drama. It is within every one of us, life may be hard at times for each of but I promise and know that the strength within is far greater than any obstacle that crosses our paths...God Bless your Journey...and thank you for sharing mine.