http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-201-alignment-to-effective-care.html
This is a continuation from the Previous 2 blogs that I wrote - if you have not read them I suggest to read them to get context for this one
http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-199-doctors-appoitment.html
http://paulsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-200-dont-tell-me-who-i-am.html
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am taking proper care of myself, good care of myself within being a diabetic and that I do not need to change my living habits or patterns or investigate myself any further because of the belief that I am taking good care of myself within diabetes, in this allowing myself to react to anyone telling me otherwise, telling me that going low at the rate that I do is `not good`, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at myself and how I am managing myself as a diabetic in any other light than the veil of the belief
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing myself as improperly managing myself within diabetes because I fear facing having to change anything within myself and my living habits because I want to believe that I am doing well in managing myself within diabetes regardless of what the numbers of the blood sugar readings suggest, and in this use past living habits to relate to who I am today to justify the belief of taking good care of myself, not realizing that I am simply taking better care of myself but there is opportunity for much more exploration and investigation into/as myself within diabetes and the management of myself within diabetes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the doctor because she was not able to follow the chart for blood sugars, insulin injections, and additional notes that I've been creating for a few months, in this feeling as if all that I've put into managing myself within diabetes is useless and has been purposeless, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that then I've been creating the chart for/as the starting point to make myself look better, make myself seem better at managing myself by/as creating the chart
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create a chart for me, for me to understand properly and not just fill out, because I realize that as we we're walking through the chart even I was having a hard time effectively conveying the sugar readings and insulin dosages and what I ate for her to record a weeks worth of information, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach the chart within the starting point to uphold the belief that I am doing a good job at managing myself by/as just filling out the chart instead of taking practical considerations of/as the information that I am writing within the chart
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can still use the information for myself to understand and further investigate myself and see patterns, and that I can re-format the structure of the chart to allow it to be comprehensive for the doctor so that she is able to see patterns as well and thus can assist and support me effectively within diabetes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create and write within a chart for myself in assisting myself in understanding myself further within the patterns and habits that I live through/as reading the chart and giving myself the time to effectively study the information/data within the chart so that I am able to come to conclusions based on studying myself within the data and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been resisting looking at the data of the chart because of the fear of seeing myself as anything other than taking good care of myself, similar to when I was first diagnosed with diabetes and would not test at all some days because of the fear of seeing myself through the numbers within what I've accepted and allowed within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to further understand myself by taking the time to go through my reading and structure them in an comprehendible way so that I, and others, can grasp the information within the chart to effectively see and understand the patterns within the charts and readings, and in this come to a conclusion within what and how I am creating the lows within myself - and in this give myself the opportunity to change insulin dosages, foods consumed, insulin to carb ratio, to better support myself within diabetes and change my living patterns and habits to better support myself as I walk through this life within diabetes, and in this be able to assist and support others with diabetes equally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the resistance and fear to facing myself within diabetes is still the same point of wanting to uphold the belief of myself being `ok` or `good` and not wanting to be brought down back to the ground by and off of the feeling of being `good` by/as seeing myself within the blood sugar readings and the patterns and habits that I am living within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to realize earlier that I was not going through the data within the chart that I was creating for the reason of not facing myself, that I was only writing within the chart, not looking at it, not giving myself the time or effort to properly structure it in a way that I am able to understand and effectively see the patterns, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have purposely yet without awareness created the structure within the chart to not be able to be read effectively for the one reason to not face myself within the habits and patterns that I live that are not effective or aligned to effective care of myself within diabetes
I commit myself to start a new chart, one that is comprehensive, making sure that I can understand it easily and the patterns and habits are easily readable, meaning that all the readings are structured in a format to see patterns within the morning, all the insulin injections are structured in a format that I and others can walk through it easily and notice clear patterns, and in this go through this once I've written a weeks worth of readings and see if I can walk the structure easily - see if there are any improvements that I can make upon the comprehensiveness of the readings and patterns and make them at that time.
I commit myself to walk through the previous chart that I've created, giving myself the time and patience to walk through the readings and insulin injections and amount of carbs ate, structuring it so that I face the patterns and habits that I've been living within without wanting to face myself within them,, in this I commit myself to face myself within the patterns and habits that I've been living, stopping myself from holding onto the belief that I am good at/for managing myself within diabetes
I commit myself to walk through myself equally within/as the data and recordings that I've written, equally with the doctors, not relying on them to do the work for me, but stand equal with the doctors in/as the application of myself within/as the data and information that I've written and stand equal to the work that I must apply within/as myself within investigating and exploring myself within diabetes, and in this to stop the want to be perfect within managing myself in diabetes, but walk through the perceivable `imperfections` - not to perfect myself within the definition that I've placed on a pedestal but to do what is best for me within each point that I am able to correct within myself.