Saturday morning my coughing kept me awake so at 3am I toddled down the sleepy stairs in order not to wake up my Angel and Angels pet smudge both snoring away to their heats content,when you cannot sleep your mind goes into overdrive no one about the house as quite as a church mouse apart from the snooring,I made a cuppa tea sweetner and milk switched hte lappy on and waited whilt it booted up buring and clicking away finally coming out of hybernation and the World at it's fingertips.
When it is dark quite and warm you slink into a comfortable frame of mins although the cough had given me a headache everytime I coughed,chest did not feel too good eiher but what is a chestty cough amongst friend, irratating you might say spreading germs some of you might say, sorry about all that, it is 10.06 am and the scrapman is blowing his horn shouting any scrap to tale away, ok stop being nasty I cannot help sounding like scrap somtimes but I have a heart of brick sorry stone well I mean gold.
Taken pills 10 victoza only insulin to inject when I can get my head around it, I must not forget to take my anti depressant to see me throug hthe day,I have that heavy feeling over my eyes feel so tired well i should be getting up at 3am, but not that kind of tired difficult to explain but feel weary in myself,your head shoulders feel heavy like having chains pulling you down,hopefully him from the depths will have to wait a while longer I am hopeing in Judgement day God will see something good in me, it must be there he gives everyone it when they are concieved,sorry about spelling spell checker down with a cold.
The week can be lonely seeing no one for 8 to 10 hours a day, but the weekend is totally different the house will be full of our kids and theire children all who want grandad at the same time,love it but I get so drained like a bucket with holes in it ok for a while but the water is slowly dripping away until the bucket is empty,wife and daughter gone shopping so here alone again apart from smudge who is stretched out on the window sill above the warm radiator, sleeping as usuall but never far from her adopted dad.
I feel so frustrated that I can neither use the Queens English properly or spell to save my life,the words just keep coming into my mind I sometimes think who the hell is flooding my brain with all this,being between life and death as I was in 2004 my hteory see what I mean theory is your brain is flooded with chemicals dealing with the shock,it has taken me 6 years to get back to anything like my old self,mind you that was not a bundle of joy,and realising all these feelings thoughts are better put on paper, or in this case cyberspace to make road for more stuff bulging to get free.
Anti depressant time Citalopram it could be these drugs that are feing my inner thoughts who knows who cares,So Saturday beckons birds are chirping away in the big apple tree we have and the conifers that are 30 foot high,really do feel tired shoulders knees and ankles aching on monday my blood tests will be back and the doctor is going to start me on gout medication see do not know if that is how you spell it mind heavy so is the soul today.
I have to mention this last week leaving the doctors an elderly man every elderly came to the door witgh 2 large supermarket bags so I opened hte door for him he said just returing all this medication to the chemist my wife died yesterday,it really upset me i said how sorry I was and could i do anything to help he looked so sad,he said ta but the light of my life has left me and my life is like a candle flickering in the wind.
I still think about that man and how he must have loved his Angel like I do.