Thanks so much, Spock... it's so nice to talk to all of you :) I'll definitely check out your previous post as well
I skilpped a lot of that stuff and drank lots of whiskey and held sparklers in my teeth and hit beer bottles with golf clubs while strobe lights were raging in our basement.
To me, The Serenity Prayer is more than just a comfort (I skip the god part, but that's just me). It's a way to live. I've wasted a lot of time and energy in my life trying to change things I have no control over; otherwise known as "banging your head against a brick wall"! To say, ok this is beyond my control but this thing here I can do, so let me go for it is very useful and helps reduce frustration.
The Alternate Serenity Prayer Parody
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pi$$ed me off.
I think that humor plays big part in our well-being
We here have all traveled the same path you're on, some with more difficulty, some with less; but we've all been there -- and still are, for that matter. I won't take up space repeating the excellent advice you've already received here.
I do feel compelled to comment on one thing you said: "100% perfection is unattainable". For me, that is the key to not punishing myself when I think I have made a mistake or when my BG does something completely unpredictable for no visible reason. There are guaranteed to be times when things don't go according to plan, or I get forgetful, or decide to relax the rules for once just for sanity's sake. Staying aware -- or, when necessary, reminding myself -- of that is how I keep from beating myself up at those times.
If it helps, imagine for a moment that it is your dearest friend who is trying to manage diabetes. If they made a mistake, or had a BG excursion that just couldn't be logically explained, what would you say to them? Then, say that to yourself. Give yourself the same consideration you would give your best friend, and go forward from there.
I can tell you "it gets better". Not too different than you I went through a stage in grad school, about 10-12 years after diagnosis, where it seemed that diabetes was all that I was and there wasn't much room for anything else and it seemed like the struggle to keep my bg in control was everything and there was no room for anything else.
In the end, what came through, was real life coming through in a million different ways, letting me see that I am much more than my diabetes.
Now I'm 31 years after diagnosis, I have grey hair, a big family, a dog, a lot of hobbies, interesting work, a house to take care of, etc., and my diabetes seems small in comparison to any one of those.
Hi Emma,
Yes I have a lot of feelings of anger, fear, frustration with regards to D and I really hate how it controls my life... Every time I go out practically where I have to drive any distance or sometimes for a new situation, my bg spikes up. I was diagnosed late onset type 1 only a year ago and I have always been a relatively healthy person for the most part, so it has come as a terrible shock to suddenly have a serious chronic condition which needs constant care. I think support from family and my kitties has helped me a lot to deal with it.
For the most part those feelings get washed to the side because D is so demanding in what we need to do to keep it at bay.- at least I find it is. Fear has a lot to do with me working hard to keep it at bay because I was hospitalized in serious condition when diagnosed. I haven't really come to terms with all of it yet, but I'm just starting out at this and I tell myself when I feel frustrated that I'm lucky to have survived it all, that usually helps put things in perspective a bit for me.
I think taking a day off sounds like a good idea to let yourself rejuvenate. Perfection as you said is not going to happen, so we can only do the best we can and learn from our mistakes. I've learned recently that even people without D have swings in bg. My father had a glucose tolerance test years ago when he was hospitalized for something else which went from 93,83,150,130. So when I see myself swing to 150, from a lot less carbs, and I didn't bolus to catch it in time, I say to myself well, sometimes it will go down that way and say the next time I will try to bolus a little extra to stop it ahead of time.
I wonder if you can ask your endo if he can recommend a counselor who helps people with chronic disease, maybe even specializing in D? I have been thinking about that also for myself as it was recommended to me. For a few months I had nurses from my insurance in a diabetes treatment program calling me on the phone which was helpful, but I graduated from that recently. That was helpful for the care aspects and they also discussed my emotional state and recommended counseling if needed. You can discuss all of your issues to do with D and to do with the family issues you mentioned also. Maybe just say in the beginning of the appointment that you want to discuss more than the numbers this time. He may not have a lot of time as others have said, but you will never know until you ask if he is open to helping you with this aspect of D.
I was on bc for a long time also and I wish I had never done it because I think it messed up my whole system, that and taking elavil for chronic pain. When I went off that I think that was the beginning of what happened in my D progression actually. My mom was Scottish and I was on a trip there when I had what I think was the beginning of my D coming on- I started having strange allergic reactions, one severe one in my eye. I think that's interesting that Scotland has the highest rate of type 1, I didn't know that.
I try to walk everyday and or do some activity/exercise that tends to de-stress me, getting out in the open air and doing photography usually does it for me because it helps take my mind off things. I have suffered from depression on and off long before D and I found the things that helped me most were exercise and various supplements and foods, Green tea helps my mood a lot also.
It's true, David. Sometimes we more willing to cut a dear friend some much needed slack, but not so much for ourselves. That's a good way to look at it.
Hi
I'm going to tackle this from a different perspective. I haven't had D for that long so I 'm not really qualified to give you advice on that front, but I would like to explain my theory about coping mechanisms. I studied psychology for four years, but I'm not qualified (in South Africa you have to do 6 or 7 to qualify). But either way these are just my personal ideas and you are welcome to them if you feel they are useful or to ignore them if I'm talking out of my behind (highly likely since all I know about you is this post of yours!). This is just a way to potentially reframe the conversation you're having about D...
When you look at the DSM (or ICD) and you look at the diagnostic criteria a lot of them are just normal behaviours that have been taken to extreme lengths. It's that the person has become stuck with a few coping mechanisms and has ended up relying on them too much. For example, there's nothing wrong with enjoying washing your hands and liking things neat and tidy, but when they are taken to an extreme to cope with anxiety and stress you end up with OCD.
Now, what could have happened in your case is that your D is a powerful motivator and reinforcer. So the coping mechanisms (perfectionism?) that worked for you to deal with your D were reinforced by the numbers you got and the powerful people around you that were pleased with you for getting them. And that might have been a reason for you to stick to a few coping mechanisms that you know work really well, instead of branching out and trying other ways of coping with the different stresses you have experienced in your life. And if that happened, it probably served you really well for quite a while (pushing you to achieve at school etc) until you got stuck.
Now for some of my personal experiences. I was diagnosed one year after my fourth year of study, in my late 20's. I definitely went through the five stages of grief. I remember thinking that I was grieving for the old, "healthy" me. My self-concept definitely took a knock because I now saw myself as a fragile and vulnerable person, instead of the robust, flexible person I once was. I also remember grieving for the future and opportunities I thought I would have but would be much more difficult to reach (like the final years of study required to be a psychologist - made impossible by the need to pay for all the D expenses and being too old to get on my parents' medical aid, or living and working overseas in a non-English-speaking country). It was having to give up on so many dreams that was really the most painful part of being diagnosed.
Some of my ways of coping were:
* living on TuD for months and months!
* starting a support group
* seeing a counsellor
* learning to see it as a marathon, and not a sprint. One single high blood sugar will not result in complications, but a long-term pattern will. So cut yourself some slack and because you're reaching for long-term goals and beating yourself up over a few less desirable moments will decrease your long-term motivation.
There are still times when I get angry and sad and hurt. A lot of it has to do with the way other significant people in my life don't understand the needs of my body and impose all sorts of unhelpful value judgements on my body and my choices. Thankfully with TuD I can get the support and reassurance I need to help outweigh the negative comments.
Emma,
I am a T1 40yrs, pumper for 11.
You have enough comments on the fact it is a marathon and not a sprint so I won’t comment. My current endo and prior were both T1. Helpful on the understanding front. However all my endos for the 33 years prior were not. I feel fairly comfortable managing my diabetes. If an endo told me to change a basal or a bolus and I disagreed, I told them point blank I wasn’t going to do it. I also told them when I was low popping glucose tabs at 3am they were not going to be there to give them to me, so I appreciate the advice and counsel but it is my disease to manage and be responsible for. If I had an endo who ran the numbers and treated me like a kid, they no longer would be my endo.