Depression, diabetes burnout, diabetes distress, or I don't care what you call it I just want to cry!

Mental and Emotional Wellness
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Over my 45 years I have been through a lot of therapy thank goodness for the emotional side of my diabetes. I am very fortunate to live in the San Diego area and have worked with Behavioral Diabete Institute. Been diagnosed with major depression at one time, diabetes burnout and diabetes distress.

All I can tell you is once again, I am sitting here at the kitchen table at 2:30 in the morning wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I have FMLA set up at work and yesterday used it for the first time for my emotional side not the physical side of my diabetes. I just wanted to cry.

Just once I’d love for the disease to make sense. Just once I’d love for my planning to work the way it should.

Please don’t get me wrong, it does for he most part. I must because I don’t have any of those horrible problems we diabetics tend to get. But I’m just so tired of the battle.

Battle is the only way I think about it. I’ve never had burnout because I’ve always done all the things we are told to do. Insulin, check, blood testing (a lot), check, carb counting (yes some SWAGing in there), check, exercise (walking at least 5 days a week), check, doctors visits & labs ( every 3 months), check. So burnout it isn’t. This isn’t trying to get fired back up and doing what needs to be done. I’m just so very tired of doing the best I can and not seeing the results I want or think I need. Being a perfectionist with this kind of disease can kill your mental makeup. Wow I hate this disease and I think it hates me.

I know this to will pass but I feel so helpless. I know some of this is just I’m exhausted. Not sleeping well. I toss and turn and that darn CGM going off doesn’t help.

Trying to change basal sis killing me. You know how it goes, you get two nights in a row where you drop over night and then the next two you rise. No reason for it just playing with your mind.
“Brittle diabetes”? Isn’t that kinda the way diabetes goes? I know there are people out there working on this but wow this is nightmarish.

Like I said been working with the folks at BDI for a long time before they stopped their workshops, and I did a few studies with UCSF about diabetes distress but why can’t we figure out how to help us cope with the make no sense most of the time disease.

I don’t care at this point what we call it but is there help out there to help all of us cope with the mental side of this?

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Sally, I empathise. Diabetes can be a hateful adversary at times, there is no rhyme nor reason. I think, sadly, that has to be your comfort, you do everything you can and diabetes just does not play ball with you.
Hugs,
Maureen

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Ah, Sally, it broke my heart to read your post. I’ve struggled with depression myself, and every time I fall into it, I delay going back to a therapist because I’m sure no one can help me. You and I both know that is the depression talking. If you haven’t already gone back to your therapist, do so now.

In the meantime, take care. It was smart of you to take an FMLA day for your depression but try not to isolate yourself.

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I’ve struggled with the other big D–Depression–all my life too, and the T1 experience can interact with that in weird ways. Oddly, going on a pump, which is supposed to be such an unalloyed blessing, has been a cause of some bad moments. I think it’s because there are so many things that can go wrong with it, and it really does force you to be more aware of your disease on an hour-by-hour basis, sometimes minute-by-minute, and if things are going to go wrong with it they seem to have a way of doing so at ungodly hours of the night. There I am sitting in the bathroom at 3:17 a.m., trying not to wake my wife up while I deal with the detached infusion set or mystery non-delivery warning or whatever else it is, feeling this isn’t just now, just this particular problem, but it stands for the whole future of similar problems that are going to keep cropping up and… arghh. I’m making myself depressed just describing it! But if it helps, it is something a lot of us share with you, and I think it’s important to note that even though it’s not helpful to feel that way, it isn’t wrong. “Burnout” doesn’t quite capture it for me either. My term for it, if you’re looking for one, is “Diabetic claustrophobia,” because that’s what it feels like to me.

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Sally, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I know what you mean about the variability of one’s bg’s when it SEEMS as nothing has changed from one day to the next, yet our bg’s are just the opposite of each other, like during the night. Mostly I’m a little low or normal, but sometimes I wake up at over 180 and it climbs to about 220. Crazy! I can’t change basal, like you said because other times an increase would get me into big trouble so I set it for what is “usual” and hope for the best.

have you considered asking for an Rx for a mood elevator? I know I don’t do well on drugs that work on the brain (I went nutso when my worst endo ever, put me on Prozac, which I stopped within one week due to the effects) but others get symptomatic relief for what’s ailing them. Depression is a common occurrence with us diabetics, that’s for sure.

If your bg numbers themselves are what upsets you the most, I’ve found that eating very low carb keeps my much more level because for one, I need next to no bolus. That means less lows, less testing, less anxiety. I’ve been doing the low carb thing for over a month and it’s working so well I should have done it years ago. The less often I have carbs, the less I get the “munchies”. :slight_smile:

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Thanks everyone for the support and understanding. I want to make sure everyone knows I’m not at that point of no return and not thinking bad thoughts. When I called my endo on Monday that came up in the conversation. Not even a thought. Just so sick and tired of doing everything we need to do.
I know this isn’t depression. Like I said been there before. Never had any luck with any of the many meds we tried. CBT was what really helped and it was done in a group setting. At this point I just need a major diabetes vacation. Which I know is not going to happen but wouldn’t that be great.
I will keep fighting the fight and sit down and cry once in awhile. And I think right now a nice walk to the beach might be a good idea. Off I go once I check the blood sugars and have my supplies I am never without. The joys!

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What is a mood elevator?

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I also agree about low carb. My “dilemma” or “challenge” is low carb is not easy. phoenixbound, what is a sample breakfast, lunch and dinner for you? Thank you so much in advance.

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bacon and eggs. i used to eat a muffin w peanut butter. love it but that’s CARBS.

lunch: homemade soups or low carb tortilla with thinly sliced ham and cheese–heated in microwave.

dinners:

meat, veggie, salad
big salad with chicken, and all the usual stuff like tomato, green onion, bell pepper, etc.
fish, veggie, salad
chicken, veggie, salad.

home made spinach quiche

those are just some of the things. hardly a complete list.

a couple times a month we go out to indulge or food fantasy with things such as mexican or a pizza. last time I had 3 slices of BJ’s pizza, it took me forever to get my bg’s back down, so I’m leery of that! My wife’s homemade pizza doesn’t hit me that bad. guess it’s BJ’s thick crust that screws me up.

I grill steaks, tonight I will grill pork loin that has been smothered in John Henry’s Pecan Rub. I make my own rub for steak and chicken that is to die for. found the recipe on the 'net a couple months ago. Killer tasty.

We don’t feel all that “deprived” by avoiding white foods because we make tasty foods.

We also eat a lot of fresh fruit.

Biggest change in our diet is NO WHITE FOOD. No potato, no bread, no pasta, no rice. Also don’t eat packaged stuff.

Now my wife shops mostly 3 aisles in the supermarket. Produce, meat and dairy to get Almond Milk, eggs.

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I feel you. I understand. Most challenges we can take a break from… not this one. The long term diligence can be very wearying, right? And so much of how learn is not only by trial and error, but also subject to a spectrum of factors that aren’t within our intentional control. That is wearying as well…at least for me–not having a manual that I can turn to for simple directions and formulas.

I also appreciate your willingness to voice what so many of us feel periodically in silence.
Blessings on your day {{{}}}

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Do share! more details on the steak, and chicken…etc rub please! I feel clueless about making “tasty foods” Much of our food “conditioning” makes us turn to BBQ sauce, ketchup, spaghetti sauce, teriyaki sauce…etc.(these are not very good choices for those wishing to low carb)

I would love to be able to have a go to list of sauces or recipes that are low carb because low carb, less insulin, less likely to make mistakes, and also more likely for the blood glucose to be stable.

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The following recipe is one that I modified from something I found online. I’ll not post the original as it has honey in it–something not appropriate for us and definitely not necessary for the flavor profile we are shooting for for steak and chicken–at least not IMO.

It is a spicy rub that works best on chicken and steak, be it cooked in an oven, or over charcoal (I don’t do gas grilling, so can’t comment on that but I suppose it would work).

2 Tbl olive oil
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp chili powder
1-1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp smoked paprika (the key to the great taste)
1/4-1/2 ground black pepper, or you might try cayenne instead which was in the original recipe

[Don’t try substituting regular paprika for the smoked type or it will drastically alter the taste]

Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Either coat evenly by tossing chicken (up to 8 thighs or 4 large breasts) into the bowl, or apply to meat with a brush. Cook chicken to internal temperature of 165 to be safe and avoid drying out the chicken.

I never thought I’d prefer something other than BBQ sauce on my grilled chicken, but I gotta say this is more healthy and way more tasty! Hope you like it.

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Thank you! I’m still adjusting to eating low carb.

Do you all feel that “too much protein” is bad for the kidney may be a myth? It seems to me that for us diabetics, carbs are the problem. So it makes sense to minimize carbs. We still become hungry. Protein and fats seem to satiate our hunger without the swings in blood sugar. It’s a little easier for me to find protein than fats.

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IMO (I’m not an expert), if you have no kidney impairment and don’t go nutso with massive amounts of protein, you should be fine. ie, if you avoid carbs and stick to fat and protein (great for losing weight due to the effect of ketosis (don’t confuse that with ketoacidosis!!) that diet shouldn’t be harmful. first thing is check your lab results for kidney function.

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Hello Sally…

I wish I had more tools, and honed techniques specific to this bitter place most (IME) visit from time to time. I’d love to teach you some diabetic kumbaya song… but I do not know any. Anybody got one??? If you find any “spiritual flares” specific to diabetes, let me share one or two would ya?

If this were a SIMPLE equation, an easy formula, we’d all be in the 5.0 range, a Diabetic Disney universe…I’d like to offer a different vision. See if a twist of perspective will make the outcome more tasty or at minimum, hopefully more bearable?

Perhaps control is a mistake. Can we make zero mistakes, none, nada, and yet STILL “fail” anyway… ?

Time is finite and my ability to catch the flaming chainsaws all of us juggle wickedly does not always end well. Doing what we are able, the most we can do at any moment in time is all we are capable of. You cannot ask more of yourself. You made your best effort, did what you believed was best, and still did not end up at the X marked plainly on the maps that we ourselves all draw.

I feel strongly, if we harm ourselves with such excess(es) they are more dangerous than the so called failure(s) themselves. Time is necessary to gleen whispers, hints of the right direction.

There is no harm in making mistakes. No harm in getting it wrong a bunch. Come on my diabetic sister, give yourself a break. Tears are ok… its when they never stop it becomes a genuine problem! It is ok…

Wanna play kick the meter???
How bout blood-sugar dodgeball?

I can find some others, if you “insist” ; )

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I would love a kumbaya song! Someone here should try and come up with one for us all to sing together!
You are so right that I and all of us need to cut ourselves some slack. It’s ok to be ok. I am harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. I just can never seem to give myself the love and understanding that I would for anyone else.
It is my core belief of myself that I am not good enough. It was from those early years being told by the medical team my numbers weren’t good enough, I wasn’t trying hard enough, I was cheating etc, etc. it has stayed with me my whole life. And every day is a battle to realize I am good enough and I do try and I do the best with what I’ve been handed.
Even though I know what I’m doing is working well for me and what is working for the next person with diabetes might work well for them but might not be best for me.
Another fault of myself is when I read things here I again feel like I’m not good enough because their numbers are better or they are doing low carb with great success or they are running marathons. But I have to cut myself some slack here I realize it’s not for me. I know that, I understand that but deep down, I don’t always believe that.
I hope one day I can love me for all the right reasons. I have hope it will happen. I know I’m a good person but deep down I wonder. Why is that? Why am I and many of us diabetics so hard on ourselves?

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Sally, I guess because from infancy we are trained to link numbers with success, we all strive for 10 out of 10 and if we get that big red F that is bad. So it is automatic to use our meters in the same way, to go above our below our self set range is like a big red F at the top of an essay.
Somehow we have to eliminate this from our mindset, and it is just so hard.
Hugs,
Maureen

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Because we don’t want to die too young, from diabetes? :slight_smile: I’m going to pissed off at anything that attacks my body, and diabetes has been doing that with a vengeance for many years. When I have bad numbers I’m upset at the disease I my inability to walk the “straight and narrow” when it comes to eating choices. Mostly I have myself to blame for out-of-whack numbers. Or a doctor who fails to understand my reluctance to take steroids which sends me sky-high despite taking 3x as much insulin as usual.

We have to be hard on ourselves if we want to prolong our lives. There is no other choice. If we are lax or give up, we are done for.

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It’s so funny you used the choice word. A few years ago I was working with the folks at BDI and I was telling the doctor leading the session that I didn’t have a choice. I do what I do because I have to. There isn’t a “choice”. I told her that what I heard back at the beginning of this journey I was told all those horrible things that would happen, not might happen. So my thought process has always been I don’t have a choice. I have to do everything I do because I don’t want those things to happen to me. And she told me to look around the table and think about everyone else here and all the other people you know with diabetes and thinks about what choices they made. And yes we can all make that choice but her and argue about this still to this day and I still can’t agree that I had or have a choice. I fight the fight because this disease doesn’t give me a choice. I want to live to see my children marry and have kids. I want to live and enjoy my retirement (if it ever happens), I want to live a happy fulfilling life. I don’t want that choice of saying forget it, I’m going to do the things needed to be healthy. But I guess we do have the choice, I just feel like I don’t and I have to continue with his nightmarish plan that happens every day, day in and day out. Choice? What choice do I have? In my mind here is no choice!

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I feel similar in that eating healthy is good for us…
We do it because we have no choice. Managing and taming Diabetes is really hard! 24/7. I would love a vacation from it, but alas, we can’t.