I have had type one since I was 7. I’m 23 now and it seems like I should be better at this. I freak out about changing my sites, it’s like an anxiety attack every time. Though my blood sugars arent even that bad.I’m not that out of control but I still hate needles and doctors and it seems to be getting worse. If god had to give this to me,I wish he made me strong enough to deal with it. I’m really not equipped for this. Every other diabetic post I read or I meet really have their ■■■■ together. They are so strong and good at taking care of themselves. I feel like I’m really not. It’s something I kind of avoid and dont like speaking about. For years I thought so positively about it but I’m sick of that. This is ■■■■. I know I could have it a lot worse. Im very fortunate.but just looking at the people in my life who don’t have to deal with this. who dont have to be hooked to this damn thing and fight this everyday and feel embarrassed.I’m sorry for the rant but I’m just so damn tired of this.
I am really sorry you feel like this, and just know that you are not alone. I don’t have diabetes, but my son does. He was diagnosed when he was 2, and now he is almost 10. I used to be so carefree, laid back and happy before his diagnosis, I was emotionally a rock (my husband’s words). Now I have insomnia, anxiety, I used to have panic attacks and awful depression (that I finally have under control), and am a borderline alcoholic. I am irritable a lot of the time because of lack of sleep, and just because I can never completely relax because I am subconsciously always worried about him. I was not this way at all before his diagnosis, and I fear I will never be the same again. I really hope that my son never feels this way.
I have no solution, just know you are not the only one.
Hi Joan10,
I’m LADA and not Dx for that long, but I feel for you. Give yourself credit for the fact that your numbers are not ‘that bad’ and you must be doing something right. Find someone to talk to about your feelings, I mean a professional - I thought I was strong and had it all together but when this hit with all it’s complications I needed help too…Instead of feeling afraid and embarrassed be proud that you are stronger than many people. I have learned to keep my test kit in the open and will test while talking with folks, it takes more strength for me to do that than to hide in the bathroom and test…I’m like, YEAH I’m in CONTROL…look to the site for support as well…read up on burnout…most of all keep up the fight, you have been doing this a lot longer and lot better than me…and you CAN DO THIS
Sometimes we can just suffer from “burnout.” In 2003 Christine Miserandino wrote an essay called the spoon theory. It is a theory that helps us understand and explain what it is like living with a disability or a chronic illness. Every day you are handed 12 spoons. Every day you have to do something to deal with your diabetes and it takes away from your available (mental) energy to get through the day. Every time you have to deal with something you have to spend a spoon. Someone who is healthy can end the day with all 12 spoons still in their grubby hands. But someone like us can end up halfway through the day with no spoons left and no (mental) energy left to deal with the rest of the day.
In truth, sometimes we can only deal with stuff by “recharging.” Whether it is giving yourself a break on certain things, going to bed early, whatever. If you don’t enable yourself to get to the end of the day with enough spoons you can just get burned out.
William Polonsky also has a good book on Diabetes Burnout, it is often available at local libraries.
I agree with @Brian_BSC. Diabetes burnout can happen to any of us at any time.
I take 20 minutes to change my site sometimes because everywhere I try to put the infusion set hurts. In fact, a few times I’ve been on the verge of tears and been like, “I can’t deal with this right now!” and I’ve gone and taken some Lantus and put my pump back on the next day. I also do this with my Dexcom. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I raise my Dexcom high limit to 10 or 12 (or once even turned it off completely, though that backfired) so that it’s not alarming at me constantly, then in a day or a few when I’m feeling like I can take on the challenge again, I lower the limit back to 8 where I usually keep it and continue on.
I was also around your age and had had diabetes for about 13 or 14 years when the “massiveness” of it all suddenly hit. I really think the process of emotionally and mentally adjusting to and accepting diabetes can be delayed for those of us diagnosed as children. Then all of a sudden in young adulthood it all hits and seems completely overwhelming. I’m now about 10 years down the road (just turned 35 and have had diabetes for over 25 years) and diabetes is okay. Of course, who wants it, but I can deal with it most of the time without getting emotional.
I will have my 54th diaversary this Christmas Day. I was 10.
Brian’s response is perfect. Those spoons are the exact symbol for what happens. This time of year puts even more pressure on us. I used to take nearly an hour to get up the nerve to change my sensor, I was so terrified. Even threw up a time or two after insertion. That took all twelve spoons, so I was challenged the rest of the day. You start looking at all the people with 12 spoons. The jealousy makes spoonlessness even harder.
We all go through this. Even the folks here who seem like perfect diabetics have spoonless days.
Ill share this thought from my mother. Remember, I was ten. She told me “it could be worse. You could have diarrhea all the time.” Not real PC, but made a lot of sense to a young child. Still makes me smile. Makes me move ahead.
All we can really do is to keep moving forward, doing the best we can. Good luck, Joan.
I feel that way sometimes and I was diagnosed in my 30s. It hasn’t been a year yet. I look up to you young gal. Keep your head up. You are amazing and strong and I wish I could give us a big bear hug. I come on here frequently so I don’t feel alone. Good for you for keeping yourself healthy.
Its very interesting to hear from someone who has a family member going through it and how it affects you. I’m so sorry that it’s affected you so greatly. It sure does turn your world upside down and makes things more complicated. Most people who were diagnosed really young are better with it, it seems. Not for me apparently, but I hope for your son. Best of luck 
Thanks for you comment, im crying. A lot of times, us diabetics just hear our endocrinologists and doctors telling us we aren’t doing good enough. It’s so nice the we have the support of each other 
.I think it would be so hard to be diagnosed as late as you because you’re so used to not having it. If I got diagnosed later I dont think I could do it.
I love this spoon explanation. It completely explains how I feel.
Thank you. I love this site so far it’s really nice to talk to people who get it!
Haha that’s perfect what you mom said. Thank you. You were diagnosed on Christmas?! Thats awful.I was diagnosed on the day of 9/11. Good for you for battling this for so many years
Thats like me sometimes I think “I just can’t do this now” so I do it the next day. For some reason it helps me to do it really late at night I’ve found. You’re definitely right about it hitting you later on. For the longest time I was so strong about it and acted like I didnt care that I had it, but it really started to eat at me about 3 years ago good for you for getting to this point.
As others have said, burnout strikes all of us sooner or later. It’s a nearly universal fact of diabetes.
Back in the bad old days, all available energy was focused on the purely physical aspects of diabetes; no one paid any attention to the mental and social toll it exacts. It’s different now—there is widespread (and growing) recognition that the emotional side can at times require as much attention as the physical. It’s the reason things like the Polonsky book (which is excellent, by the way) and this community exist.
As you recognized, sometimes the most important thing in the world is simply being able to talk with someone who actually gets it. That’s the biggest reason we’re all here. As our community’s founder put it, no diabetic should ever have to feel alone.
We’re always here for you. And for each other. Welcome to the family. 
It can be an accumulative thing, I know it has slowly taken a toll on me over the 38 years since being dx’d @13years old.
I have noticed over the last 10-15 years I have become much more self centered and protective of my time and attention. Actually selfish with others if asked to do something that I don’t want to do. Pretty much cost me my marriage as that is when I started feeling this way and many relationships since. Just the fact that you have to “be diabetic” 24/7, for now 38 years I feel pressure when someone asks for my time. Feel like I have enough in the tank for diabetes, work and my dog and that is about it. My current GF is very understanding and patient, otherwise I’m sure she would be running from me to. Keep your head up, knowing why it bothesr you and that it is bothering you is part of the solution.
Boy, have I been there! I was diagnosed at 35 (I’m 57 now) and spent about 15 years not really helping myself - I was in complete denial. So far (knock on wood) I have no complications and now I am on Omnipod and Dex and though these require intervention to change, look at constantly, I am doing so much better. I get burn out so often and get mad that I can’t “be like everyone” else. However, someone said to me - your body is more like an elite sports car - it need better maintenance than someone whose body is just a Honda.
Self care is so hard at times, I just want to say screw it, but I want to enjoy my retirement that I earned through the years. Not every day is good - this holiday I really did a number on myself - but the next day is a new day and that is a gift to us all.
Keep posting here - we so understand!!
I really like this image–vroom, vroom!
I really feel for you, @Joan10. I can’t really give any good advice from experience - my young son has diabetes and hasn’t had it for that long yet. I have had (and still have) a very hard time dealing with the fact that I, his father, cannot take this burden off his shoulders.
One suggestion I have though, is - is it possible for you to find a local support group? Last summer, my son and I spent some a weekend with other diabetics - it made a world of difference to him. He is in touch with several of them weekly. I can see being able to talk to other T1Ds regularly makes a big difference to him.
Wishing you the best.
Joan10,
My heart goes out to you, I am only 8 months into a type 1.5 but can relate. I have heard it explained that Diabetes, this condition we share is another full time job- one where every meal can be a math problem, all the technology and pharmaceuticals we rely on another digital or medical leash on us. When viewed through this lens, one of burden, it is a tiring place to live. Quite frankly none of us are “equipped” to deal with this, so what do we do?
I recommend you consider a few things: First feel free to rant all you want, we all need to vent, just don’t get stuck there. Second consider strengthening your support system, perhaps join a local group. It seems your participating in this online forum is a form of relief and camaraderie for you as it is for me. There is after all safety in numbers. Third this one will be a stretch but I would urge you to consider an alternate hypothesis, one that may seem almost incredulous. The silver lining, that this is some strange gift… a very difficult one to receive for certain. But one that has me avoiding high blood sugar driving food that are largely being blamed for a host of problems from Cancers to Cardiovascular diseases.
As for equipping yourself: As an old farmer friend once told me, if we don’t have a tool we need on the farm we make it! First realize you have beaten this for 23 years, how could you have lasted that long ? Second sounds like you need to dig deep and figure out what tools you are missing and like my farmer friend make them if you don’t have ready access to them. One thing I have learned with this condition is that we (the human body) is an amazingly complex system. And that diabetes is a very complex “disorder”, Dr Richard Maurer says he knows of NO other disease state with so many genetic expressions, there are so many you could argue it is an adaptation and not a disease.
However you view it this requires a vigilance like nothing I have ever experienced. Personally I made this about something bigger, something so very important to me, my family. I told my 4 children (all under 12 years old and most of whom are adopted and not really interested in loosing more parents in their lives) the following when I was diagnosed: Will this change me sure it will, but just you watch while I kick diabetes ■■■. When we find something to energize our willpower we will not be as easily overwhelmed.
I sincerely hope you find your way to a better place. Feel free to message me if there is anything I can do to help you on that path to Kindly Kicking Diabetes ■■■ one meal at a time!
Joan 10 and all,
Okay I was diagnosed T1D at 8yo. and am now 70. My approach as I remember back has been - I have to do my diabetic thing (testing and shots) but then I can pretty much go on and do most of what others do. AT first the diabetic routine meant peeing in a cup putting a few drop in a test tube, adding water and dropping in a tablet. It bubbled for a bit and then turned colors which indicated what my “sugar” levels were. No finger pricks but perhaps more of a bother. Then there was taking shots which meant boiling glass syringes and metal needles which needed sharping occasionally. WEnt from doing this once a day to twice a day until disposable syringes came along - fortunately because I eventually went to four shots per day.
Of course urine testing was not good at helping to keep the tighter control that is possible today. But in spite of this I had no complications until I was 31. This is when I had the first hemorrhage in one of my eyes (diabetic retinopathy). I then had occasional hemorrhages and laser treatments on and off for the next 15 years. So I now, twenty years since my last event and treatment, and have about the same eyesight I had in 1980 and have had not more hemorrhages since the mid 1990s.
The point being that complications may not happen for some time and they may be treatable. And, I continue with the same attitude - yes, I have to test, and change my pump every two days, and take my boluses but otherwise I do pretty much what everybody else does.
Ken