Confessions of a Bad Patient

Oh dear… where do I start? I guess with today, after I saw the first newsletter of the Diabetes Hand Foundation and all the wonderful things Manny and other TuDiabetes.com members have done. Or maybe I should start with when I saw the LifeScan TV ad and I felt like crying because I was happy to be part of it all.

I was at work, and I sent an IM to Manny to congratulate him and tell him I wish I had more time to help. But I am helping! I am now a Diabetes Care Coordinator at a diabetes supplies company. I love my job! I love working with people who need to take care of their diabetes. I love it when I’m able to get their orders going, when they thank me for what I do, when they tell me “God bless you!” over the phone. I laugh with my customers, and I also cry with them. I have so many stories… good ones, bad ones, happy ones, sad ones. Diabetes comes in all colors, shapes, ages… It is amazing. So yes, I’m helping… others. Me? Not so much these days.

I was supposed to go for an appointment with my endocrinologist about a month ago. I canceled it because I didn’t go for my blood work. I didn’t go for my blood work because since I started working full time, I haven’t been able to manage my diabetes properly and I’m not looking forward to my A1C results. It’s like a very bad cycle, where I don’t do what I need to do, and I don’t change it.

So today I told Manny I had to come here and look for support, or maybe a kick in the butt to do something about this procrastination. I am trying to eat well and I don’t skip my medications, but it’s hard to control what I eat after 3 years of eating at home. Some days I feel just so hungry! And exercise has become a distant memory… I use my busy schedule and my tiredness as an excuse. Horrible!

But I think coming here to write this down and confess how awful I feel about it all helps a lot. I am not looking for “poor you’s” – I am looking for support, not pity. I am looking to share the way I feel sometimes when I wish I didn’t have diabetes; when I feel it’s such a hassle.

First thing I need to do is go see my doctor and tell her how much I’ve messed up. And then we’ll see.

Beatriz, Can relate to all you have discribed Have been their. Skipped blood work even skipping home test so I did not have to know If I don’t know I am on only seeing Dr once a year all the excuses. I am a 37 yr vet of D and on the pump the last 18 mo.s I now take an active role in controling my D not just observing it. You have taken the first step in taking control again you admitted you have a problem Now make a plain to change and work your plain.

Good luck hope this helps
Andy

I know how you feel. I got a job back in November and worked all the way up until April. During that whole time of working my sugars were so bad I felt sick all the time. But there was nothing that I could do about it because most of the time I had to skip lunch and then didn’t get off until 7pm and then had to drive 30 mins to get home. I avoided going to the doctor because I really didn’t want to see what my A1c would be. Once I was rid of the job I was at the doctor, very nervously, but explained to her what was going on with the job and whatnot. I was surprised to see my A1c at only 7.2. With the way my sugars were running I really expected it to be so much higher than that.

But overall I feel much better now that I went and we have everything straighten out. I still don’t have a job because I’m really scared I’ll get back into the same pattern and I hate it when my sugars run high all the time, makes me feel sickly.

But I think that you should really talk to your doctor and have her help you with how you need to handle everything with your new schedule. I know that it’ll be hard…it sure was for me…but it’s so much better in the end.

Good luck with everything!

Beatriz-

I have been where you are now!! I stopped testing for a 2 months because I had everything under control…I am blessed that I started testing when I did! Don’t be so hard on yourself…we’ve all been there and some are going through it right now.

You are really blessed to be able to work and help people. You sound like you enjoy your job but are giving it all of your energy. You have no energy left for you. A1c’s are important and so is a good diet. I do not eat a good diet. I crave starch and bad carbs to the point my doctors tell me I am killing myself with food. How can we stop eating bad food and change to good carbs and stay away from starch? You are aware of what you are doing wrong…so how can you correct this. Once you figure it out please let me know so I can have the courage to eat the right foods too. It can be done!

Beatriz,

Consider yourself kicked in the butt.

I sympathize, I empathize, I’ve been where you are. But then I made up my mind that I’d never be ‘too busy’ to take care of myself. Your employer, of all employers, must understand that. Mine does. I HAVE to eat lunch. NO, I can NOT skip lunch. Yes, I can work late, but AFTER I eat first and AFTER I have my workout. Yes, I can do that but FIRST I have to check my BG’s. I think you get the picture.

Butt kicked . . .

YOU TOO, Shipaddict. You know what foods have bad carbs in them. Stay away from them. Buy some fruit, some plain yogurt and some salad vegetable and a can of unsalted nuts. Snack on them. Yep, carbs are everywhere, they’re hard to avoid, but not impossible to avoid. You have the courage, now exercise the smarts.

Another butt-kicking by Terry

Do 15 tests using a month old lancet and get back to us… sheesh! This kind of “I’m bad” makes me insane (crazier ?).

All of us do the best we can… its all we can do! Sometimes we get pleasantly bribed, seduced, yelled at loudly… but whatever the cause, we cannot turn back the clock. don’t play with your mental blocks, its a bad game. I’ll bet the doctor knows how you did good or bad…

Now ask her how you DID it exactly. She’ll be clueless and you’ll smile…

Stuart

Beatriz,

I’m a 24 year vet with the big D and my 12 year anniversary pumping is this weekend. That being said…I have had numerous bouts of being a bad diabetic and probably will continue to ignore diabetes throughout my lifetime.

My advice to you (based on “been there, done that”) is this. Face up to your denial. Not only to yourself, but to your endo. You’ll be shocked at the response you get from the doc. Trust me, you’re not the first D that has “fallen off the wagon”. If your doc isn’t kind and understanding towards you, then he’s not human.

Just keep trying to do your best. And for crying out loud, don’t beat yourself up if you have a bad day/week/month. I’ll bet you are your toughest critic. Cut yourself some slack and keep telling yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

It’s like I tell my kids…you eat an elephant one bite at a time. In other words, don’t try to be perfect…you’ll only disappoint yourself.

Good luck and keep trying.

Get your blood done, and then give yourself a small reward (new lipstick, book, etc). Then do the same when you go to the doctor. If your numbers are bad, then the next time they will probably be better. Even baby steps in the right direction are good. We really have all been there, in my case many many times! and yes, we’re here no matter what your numbers are!

Well at least I’m not alone. I’ve done the same thing. I’ve put off visiting my doctor more than once. I’ve changed jobs and where I work now there are always vendors happy to take us out to lunch/dinner for our business. I’ve not been very good at managing my diabetes.

Every now and then I come back to Tu Diabetes and it gives me a kick in the pants. Here I am once again. I have to keep trying.

Thank you so much. You all are an inspiration and a great source of support. Living with a chronic illness is a pain in the butt. I wish my diabetes was like my hypothyroidism; I just have to take a pill, tests ever 6 months, and I’m good to go. But diabetes involves pricking, testing, eating better… so many things! I feel overwhelmed at times, but I can’t use my busy life as an excuse to not manage my diabetes. Work can wait, tasks can wait, family and friends sure can wait… my health cannot.

And Terry Keelan, thank you for the kick in the butt. You make an excellent point about my employer, and I have to be fair and honest because they do care about employees who have diabetes. After all, our mission is make people with diabetes life better.

I’ll go and get my blood work done on Monday and make an appointment with my endo. What’s the worst that can happen? A bad A1C can be fixed with responsibility.

“What’s the worse that can happen?” Nothing! That’s the beauty of it. Nothing bad can come from getting your blood work done and seeing your endo.

Bad things can only happen from NOT getting your blood work done or seeing your endo.

(but you knew that . . . ) :slight_smile:

I have to say that I have been there. Wait…I am still there. I totally know what you are going through. My main problem is that now that I am on furlough for the rest of the year from my job that I have the time to get myself into shape mind, body and sugar! I just have to find the will to make the effort and that is where I am struggling. I think the important thing to remember is that we need to take one step at a time. If we try to do it all and change it all at once then that is where it is easier to fail. Just try to change one thing at a time and we should be able to get ourselves in gear.

OK. I made my appointment with the endo… Now I have to wait for 1 month. :slight_smile:

excellent! please let us know how you are doing.

I have to remind myself from time to time that the meter is not giving me a grade it only is giving me a road map-- Same with the A1c. If I keep this mindset it is easier to cope with a “bad” number. They are just digits- not good or bad, they are not evil, passive aggressive or vindictive. The number is just a sign post telling us what road we should take.