"A pile of cookies or a carton of ice cream or 5 slices of bread" are not healthy eating for anyone, D or non-D. That being said, we all make choices, and our partners make different choices. One of the most important things in a relationship is mutual respect. If I don't respect someone I couldn't be in a relationship with them. But that's just me. You have to decide for you what you can and can't accept and what you can and can't let go.
Sagwabetes, it is really not worth fighting over. He is not going to listen to you, but later on he will possibly listen to a dr. when he has major health problems. It is a common problem. Hugs, Maureen
Sagwabetes:
I have been diabetic for 37 years. I have been married to a non diabetic wife for 35 years. I have not always been a compliant diabetic and today my wife hounds me like a bad penny in my pocket. I just can't get rid of of her hounding.
Now, lets discuss the situation you raise. Diabetics have got to be responsible for themselves. You cant do it for him and you should not try. What you can do is help him be more responsibility. Point here, nagging will not work. What you can do is leave him (that is serious tough love), put up with it, or help him attempt to get better. I believe there is a way to do this with out harming your relationship.
So how does this work? Tell him you love him and want to be with him but that you are worried about him and you cannot in the long run stay with him and watch him self destruct. The key is to place responsibility back on him. I trust you can do this.
Now I do suggest that you not stop expressing your concern. But pick an appropriate place or time. Instead mention it away form the table, tell him how concerned you are. Press for him to get a pump. Remind him that because his father acts as he does does not suggest that he should. Remind him new things are occurring in diabetes and he needs to keep up to date.
Finally, I suggest that you suggest personal counseling for both your relationship and counseling for him. He sounds like he is in diabetic denial most of us go through this and it is not uncommon to act this way. Most of us type 1's and many type 2's go through this. That being said personal counseling is an excellent way to work through it more quickly. In my diabetic journey I choose at one point to stop seeing the doctor. I went almost 20 years denying the disease. Thankfully I did not do significant harm to myself. i was lucky. It took me deciding I wanted to change to change. I leave you with these words that echoed in my mind for years. they might echo in his as well.
The doctor said When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will take care of yourself. Its true, when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I got help. When he gets there he will also get help. Remember men are stubborn but a woman usually knows how to get her way. Nagging is never the way. So put on your thinking cap if you want this work, you can do it.
Rick Phillips
I have a similar problem in that Mrs and junior are both big noodle/ pasta fans and I am totally disinterested in them. We get along ok since I do the cooking and pasta rarely finds its way onto the menu.
If you are younger than I am (45? I'd guess that but you never know...) eating piles of carby crap may catch up with him and start chunking him up and, perhaps, not enhance his chances of keeping any genetic problems lurking in his DNA in the background.
As a guy, I haven't ever listened too much to any of my girlfriends, wives, daughters when they have kvetched about my bestial appetites. Maybe it caused problems but with the benefit of hindsight, things seem to have worked out ok for all of us for the most part.
Rick he is not diabetic but lives with two diabetics.
I was diagnosed in 2005, many years after getting married. My diabetes wasn't part of the deal when we got married, but it is what it is. Over time, I have had to just step back and worry about myself. Her choices, my kids choices, they are not necessarily my choices. I cook for the whole house. If everyone wants my macaroni and cheese (I make a wicked mac and cheese), I will make it. I won't eat it, but I will make it. We discuss food choices, what is healthy, but it is a personal choice.
This is the time of year that the girl scouts always try to sell me cookies. I used to feel like I had to suggest to them that they choose to sell something that was healthier. Now I just tell them I can't eat cookies and give them a dollar.
This is something YOU cannot fix. It is his decision and the pushing will make no difference until HE decides to change.
I think it's pretty easy for our thoughts about diabetes and bg control to mess up our thinking about food and lead to eating disorders.
Whenever I see someone, anyone, eating fresh fruit or a piece of bread or pasta I think to myself "that'll mess up his bg's good!". What a messed up mind I have. Where fresh fruit is thought of as poison to the public at large, and the only "legal" form of carb for anyone would be Dr. Bernstein's "swedish crackers" (whatever those actually are, I'm not sure what they are, but after reading Dr. B's latest books I think that's the only form of carb I can look at without my mind turning into uncomfortable directions.). And I now seem to believe (???) that carbs cause diabetes.
My wife and I have been together for 9 years. She eats what she wants. And as long as she is not becoming unhealthy (weight or bloodwork wise), I don't say anything.
I'm not sure if you are married or not, but I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping. I am with you, I don't really want her eating that stuff, so I don't buy it. But I can't control what she eats when we are not together.
Lastly, make sure that you aren't experiencing a bit of jealousy, and that's what is really making you upset.
I sympathize with you completely. Put a lock on your lips just like when we were kids.
#1 I would get out of the relationship if that's possible.
#2 I would ensure nothing is in the frig.
#3 I would never talk about his father's diabetes. Never ask.
Hey Sag, I hope you're having a better day today! :) I've been Type 1 for over 25 years and I've been married for 29 years so my husband didn't sign up for this journey.
My husband was an athlete and grew up in a big family of boys, used to eating lots of carbs because carbs are cheaper and with lots of hungry mouths to feed, that's what some people do. Early on after my diagnosis, we had the same struggles that you are experiencing because it was hard for me to watch him eating things I liked so much but could no longer eat.
Over time, I learned to eat healthy for myself and ignore what he was eating. I always say "you can't save someone from themself", he has to want to change his eating habits.
My husband's eating caught up with him and he now has to carefully watch his weight. We no longer buy things that I can't eat because he can't eat them either. If you don't buy carbs and they aren't in the house, then it's easier.
My husband now embraces a low carb way of life but he will occasionally "sneak" cookies or some other forbidden food - I just give him "the look" - I don't even need to say anything. He's going to do what he's going to do.
I don't agree with the folks who say to end the relationship over these issues though. In any relationship, there will be struggles of some sort. You're not always going to agree and you have to pick your battles. My husband has so many other good qualities and I'd marry him again, food issues and all. :)
This ... the jealousy ... is what I would be guilty of.
I also agree that though we can't control what other people do, we can also expect our significant other to be supportive of our need to eat a certain way. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with certain foods in my house. If someone wants to eat those foods I would expect them to do so elsewhere. I have lived with a recovering alcoholic and that seemed reasonable to me when I was on the opposite end. On the other hand, maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship..lol. Any vegetarian, non sugar-eating, moderate low carb eaters want to hook up? I'm kidding!
I love this reply. I wish I could be so eloquent.
Sag, it seems like you are honestly trying to be a positive influence on your boyfriend/husband but he is right ... he doesn't have diabetes. Unfortunately, you might just need to find a way to let it go.
Hmmm. I just had a guest for dinner on Easter--vegetarian, no gluten, sugar, and the only grains were rice, quinoa and amaranth. Also, Jewish and a Passover night. Obviously she sent a...list.
I have never done that to a host. I go and eat whatever I am able to consume to maintain good BG levels. If I feel like stepping out, I do so and know there will be consequences to deal with. There is no jealousy to it. It is all about choice.
OH! I made a lovely three course meal that hit all the required bells and whistles AND the kids (11 and 14) loved it. Sometimes I rock in the kitchen!!!
I figure for me I'm the one who has this, it's my responsibility to eat healthy, or to choose to eat something more carboy. No one is holding a gun to my head. It's all about personal choice, and I would never make someone else HAVE to eat the way I eat, just because I won't or can't eat what they are eating. My for me healthy solution. I'm not going to freak out and think of cake or ice cream or donuts, or any other tasty treat as the devil. Well planned, and in moderation, ONCE in a while, we can and should have that taste if you can control yourself with a small serving of it. It works great for me. My hub eats like a pig but I'm like Oh well, that's on him. You can't make anyone do something they are not ready to do. And not to be mean but he is right, he ISN'T the one with diabetes, and just cause his father has it doesn't mean he is. I mean I'm the perfect example of screwy genetics, NO ONE in my family is diabetic. Go figure.
You indeed rock, Spock! (Ok, cheap poetry!). That was pretty nervy. I would never make that many requests, and the degree to which I'd request anything would depend on how close I was to the person and how large the group. Fairly casual friend and large group and I know it isn't all about me, so I pick out what I can eat - or bring something myself so I know there is at least one dish for me. Even with my close friends and family I am still just one person and I find that they seem to have a limited capacity for understanding all my dietary needs...as in I get one thing! And for me the non-negotiable thing is vegetarianism. (Well, no sugar, but that isn't usually a problem, as I just skip dessert). I find in most restaurants as well, especially for dinner the vegetarian option is usually higher carb, so I just muddle through.
Personally, if I had that many requirements, including religious ones and it was a larger gathering and the host a casual friend, I would just say thanks for the invite but I have dietary restrictions and can't make it. Let's socialize another time! "She sent a LIST"?? I'm getting annoyed as I think about that. You are a kind soul. My answer would be, "this is Easter and certain foods are traditional, if you invite me for Passover I'd love to sample those dishes; I think gluten free foods are gross and quinoa worse, and if you don't want rice or sugar, then eat around it!" (Ok, I'd probably say it nicer than that but it would come to the same thing!)
Well, this is a bit off-topic, but I have to answer! I have Celiac Disease and I can't eat gluten, also can't eat corn or soy. If I do eat even a small amount of one of these foods, I get very, very sick. If I know a hostess and it will be appreciated, I bring a dish, such as a great one-meal salad. If it's family, they already know what my problem is -- and I usually take a one-meal dish. Otherwise I stay home. I stay home a lot, often missing meetings that take place at restaurants I can't trust. I would never send a "list" to anyone, but I have great empathy for the person who did so.
To Sagwabetes I would say, the situation takes patience -- from both of you. My husband is a fine cook, and only occasionally complains about the restrictions of ingredients he must use for the meals we eat together. We eat separate foods we each choose and prepare for ourselves during the week, and on weekends he cooks food I can eat. I have pointed out to him that what we eat together, esp. going moderately low carb, is healthier that what we would probably have without my restrictions: veggies, salads, meats, my so-so baking using such as coconut, almond and sorghum flours, and lots of ice cream. I've had these restrictions and Diabetes for 20 years; we will celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary in 2013. Cheers!
WOT typo comment but I only know the word "carboy" from my buddies who brew their own beer...