I have been a diabetic for 14 years. Now at the age of 26 I have become non compliant…I don’t take insulin, I don’t take blood sugars, I don’t exercise, and I don’t monitor what I eat. I am having a very rough time dealing with this disease and it makes me very distant with people. I’ve just had my first doctors appointment in 2 years. I’m usually angry and sad majority of the time. I live alone in Florida for 6 years. I’ve tried support groups and countless therapists. I recently graduated with a masters in counseling a year ago and I’m not working in my field. I’ve worked as a volunteer with diabetes organizations and nothing is working. I was recently discriminated against at my job for having diabetes and nothing has been done to solve the issue. I don’t have any friends or family where I live. Im extremely tired and frustrated…I’ve had thoughts of suicide…because I live alone no one would know…I don’t believe in taking anti depressants.
Annette,
I am sorry you're having such a hard time. If you've been thinking of suicide, please go to an emergency room or mental health clinic right now. Suicide is a permanent solution for what are usually temporary problems and it is a devastating blow to people who know and love you.
I know you know this but I am going to say it - not taking insulin as a T1 diabetic will a form of suicide. Even if you can't get fully back on the treatment wagon, start with a small step or two. Take your basal insulin and test once a day. Even that small step will make you feel better. Getting some control over your blood sugar will help you feel less tired and depressed. The step after that might be to see a doctor who can help you develop a treatment program you can start and manage now.
Good luck and God Bless,
Maurie
Annette, your post made me feel so terribly sad. Are you able to move to be closer to your family and friends? I don't like to think of someone who has so much to give this world feeling so outside of everything. Hugs, and with best wishes for your future,
Maureen
Annette,
I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed. It's certainly understandable. But please don't despair. If you can earn a Masters Degree you can do this.
First things first, though. As Maurie says, please address the suicidal thoughts issue immediately.
As for the diabetes - one step at a time. No reason to beat yourself up, just start taking over on little bit here and there. First something easy, then the more complicated stuff.
Best to you,
Terry
I am so sorry to hear you are still struggling with all this, Annette (I remember your posting before). I agree that the suicidality (as you know) is the primary issue. I was extremely suicidal and self-destructive when I was younger and when I think about all the things I've experienced in the decades since I'm very grateful I was able to get past that. So there is another Annette waiting for you up there somewhere with lots of hope that you too will be able to make it past this. Don't hesitate to contact a suicide hotline.
As a Psyc graduate, I know we sometimes think we know the answers so why bother getting help. We may know them intellectually but that isn't all that useful for our feelings and it can even get in the way.
Please don't feel you've "done therapy and it didn't work" though having those feelings of hopelessness are part of being depressed. It really takes the right therapist and that person is something different for each of us. So don't hesitate to give some thought to what you need/want in a therapist and then shop around for the right one. You say you don't want to take anti-depressants but that may be the very thing that will get you through until you are stronger. You posted here because you wanted some suggestions, perhaps things you haven't tried, and that may be, at least on a temporary basis, a good option.
Please do whatever it takes. You are a part of our family and you matter. I agree with pastelpainter that your isolation isn't good and maybe if you can at least spend some time visiting people who care about you and vica versa, it may really help. Whatever it takes.
I agree with everyone else about going for health. I remember seeing you around before and it sounds like the isolation is a big problem, maybe as big as diabetes. I think that friendship or some type of community might be almost as helpful as diabetes but it will be very difficult with your BG all over the place. Maybe too moving back to your friends and family. I didn't enjoy grad school but wasn't as tough as you, since I didn't finish and just bailed out and had a wild time for a few years. Lots of 12 oz/ 750 ml antidepressants, Butthole Surfers while we watched bugs eat each other on the Animal Planet, that sort of thing. That's probably not a good idea either and I have to suspect I'd have done better had I gone back to my family rather than on the road.
If you want to get back on track with diabetes, take it one step at a time, maybe hang out here more. If you want, this place can be a total time sink. A fun time sink but maybe it could help you get on top of the D, realize "not only do I have an advanced degree but I kicked diabetes' butt" and feel great about yourself. I have been down (see bailing out of grad school...) but I kept at it. Please get some help, get it. If they don't understand diabetes, refer them here and we'll fill them in...
I think the ADA has legal resources available to help you if you want to pursue a discrimination case against your employer, perhaps on the way out of town? A buddy of mine used to do that kind of law and reported that he had great cases but they weren't worth a lot. Still, punishing bastards who are evil can be fun. He works for the SEC now and seems to like it more.
I've had T1 for 55 years now. I was also a nurse for 30 years and worked with oncology patients and surgical patients. I know what it feels like to deal with diabetes everyday,24hours a day, 365 days a year. I have wished that I wasn't diabetic and didn't have to deal with the daily hassles and potential fears of the future with diabetes. But,as a nurse, I have seen people who were way worse off than I've ever been and there was no future for them. I have taken care of diabetics who didn't take care of their disease and watch it eat at them slowly with the resulting amputations, dialysis, blindness. I have taken care of cancer patients who have faced gruesome surgeries and treatments only to know that ultimately there is going to be a horrible ending. Please figure out what it is that is making you so angry. You have the power in you to take control of your diabetes and it can be controlled. I am afraid for you.
I have to commend you for your bravery in coming here. It is very easy to feel alone. But just coming here is a really important step. I'm sure you know how important it is just to recognize that something is wrong. And I think many of us believe that diabetes is really 90% mental. We can know everything we should be doing to stay healthy, but if we don't get our heads around doing it, it won't happen.
I do hope you stick around and work with us to get better. You may not think that anyone cares or will miss you, but we care.
Annette,
I have been T1 for 42 years. Thirty six years ago I was in an emergency room having tried to kill myself with poison. I do not know I survived but I do remember how awful and hopeless everything seemed back then. Ever since then I feel awful when I hear about a suicide because that was a person that did not get the chances I did.
I have never publicly disclosed this episode. I hope you take it to heart. People you don't know care about you and will help. Eventually, the butterfly poem became mu mantra;
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
Please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255
(National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). There are people available 24 hours a day to help.
Annette, I feel so strongly for what you're going through. I've been there, as a Type 2.
First, we all don't "know" each other like physically present friends and family in our lives, but we are all family in a sense that makes us immediately bonded. You'll see that here -- we are all so glad you joined up.
Now, some important points to consider:
- Yes, this disease is relentless, and will never give you a breather. Ever. Taking a "vacation" from "doing everything you're supposed to do" is not only okay, it's become somewhat of an accepted part of treatment over the long term. BUT (you knew that was coming :-)) you have to do it right, and that depends on you're own personal situation. Certainly as a T1 you should continue to take you basal insulin, and bolus for what you eat. Things that can be a bit more relaxed is carb counting, bolus timing, amount if testing, what you eat, etc. I leave it to the other T1's here to give advice on how best to take and manage a break.
- I know you're hurting, but this MUST be said: You have to get some more control of your BG. A1c of 14% is the equivalent of an average BG of around 350. As a type 1, I'm surprised you're not having ketoacidosis problems. Regardless, you've got to feeling like absolute crap, vomiting now and then, lousy apetite (have to choke food down sometimes, right), no energy, dizziness, difficulty thinking, and on and on. I've been there. ALL of this will get enormously better if you get your BG under control. These symptoms are caused by glucotoxicity, which you're drowning in at those levels.
- Glucotoxicity is a significant component of depression. Biochemically. A discussion thread was just put up today talking about it, and is a very good read. So, with better control your depressed moods will improve too.
- Given your control issues, you are an ideal candidate for a pump and CGM. These two technologies will make managing your diabetes much, much easier and routine. If you have health insurance, talk to your doctor right away about these treatment solutions. For a young person like you living in Florida, I'd recommend the Omnipod (I absolutely love it!), but there are excellent tubed solutions that are used by many here successfully, and with much satisfaction. Again, this group is a great resource for getting help/advice for these things.
- Don't give up! Part of why you are is because you feel so bad, and managing the condition seems like so much work. Please believe me when I insist that both issues can be addressed with the right treatment regimen.
- Come here often, read, share, rant as needed. We all do. No one understands better, and can empathize and give comfort and advice than your fellow diabetics. Like I said, we're a family, and we've got to stick together. One thing we all figure out at some point in this disease is that pretty much no one else really cares and understands well enough -- except other diabetics.
Please work up your determination to tackle this again. You need to, and the world needs you. A healthy, happy, energetic you. It's not beyond hope, and with a little help from your friends, you'll get there.
Hi I am new here an it is amazing to me to hear ur struggle. I am a 29 yr old mother of 2 and a wife. I was diagnosed at 3 with type 1 diabete. I have been struggling as long as i can remember to thd point of where u are now. Im just getting to the point wherd im realizing i dont want to die or havs complications. It is a struggle still, have my first appointmentin the morningin over 3 years. Im gonna try the pump again cause i think it will be easier as long as i attempt to try an save my own life… Hun life can always be worse, i look at my sister who has sickle cell an watch her in pain. Diabetes dnt seem so bad, she laughsan says the same… U have to want to live to become compliant…
I think you should see some friends/family. It can be really refreshing & it can help to make you happy & care about yourself again.
I think it is really easy to fall into a depression when you are so isolated. You may feel like "what's the point?" The point is you can start to love yourself & be proud of yourself if you do start to take insulin, check your blood sugar, work out, & monitor what you eat.
Going on a walk a day can work wonders on you. It will release chemicals that will make you feel better.
I pray that you can find the strength to put aside your frustration and decide to attack this disease like never before. Show it, and yourself, how strong you are and how well you can overcome this time in your life. Get the help and support you need- don't give up if you don't find the right group/therapist- keep searching and keep coming here for support and uplifting. You are a beautiful girl & only 3 years older than I am--we have a lot to live for!!
Hello Annette:
What can we your peers and diabetic elders do for you? How can WE help???
Myself, I have severe contempt for the label compliant... whomever came up with that ignorance needs to be a diabetic for a month before they slap such ignorant labels on the table for other brain-dead white-coats to use so blithely...
Until you have been in our shoes how dare anyone judge us as if they were capable of understanding what they asked of us. Until they do, they are incompetant to use this label!
The current approaches, methods are NOT friendly, nor helpful... if by getting that "critical data" (Severe scathing sarcasm) it ties lead weights to our emotions, our spirit, and sends us plummeting to the murky depths.
I say lets reprogram our meters in a manner than specific numbers do not come up. Instead lets give em catchy phrases, high fives, atta girl, something random and WHAT did my meter just say....?!?!?! If we can make it positive, even when the number is not, I bet we can make a difference, how everybody feels when they get data which do not correspond with our zealous efforts.
Now, as before, how can we walk our diabetic sister back from the edge of the abyss??? You are an articulate woman, talk to us... we wish to hear your voice.
Hi Annette,
We have a lot of the same struggles.
Check out my page please and feel free to email me privately (sarahj.design@gmail.com)
I sent you a friend request.
I'm 29, 17 years type 1. Really bad complications. I feel you.
You're not alone.
Sarah
At this time I am unable to move near family or friends because of finances, and I have to stay in Florida until I finish my clinical hours (still 2,000 hours) which are required for my Mental health counselors license. Honestly I don't know what my purposes is on this earth. I feel as though I don't really enjoy counseling or anything else for that matter, but I've never been passionate about anything growing up. I feel like I have this body that failed me at a young age, so since it failed me why should I take care of it? It just makes me so angry....
I appreciate the suggestions and feedback, but my friends and family unfortunately don't have the funds to come and visit, and vice versa....My finances are really tight, and if things were to change I would have to give up everything and start from the bottom....meaning selling all my apartment furniture, moving home with my parents and being treated like a child...I have spent my entire life trying to get away from my family because I wanted independence, and after all the schooling and hard work I'm just supposed to go home?...I would be completely miserable there, and if that was to happen I know I would give up.....
I've been in the hospital for DKA about 10 times since I was 20 (I'm 26 now). I realize that there are people out there with really bad diseases....but just being honest I'm not thinking about them I'm thinking about myself and all the terrible things I'm feeling and going through. I appreciate your story about your good friend and I am sorry to hear that. I've been non compliant for 9 years now and I go to the hospital at least twice a year. My mind and heart are in a very dark place. I'm trying to do what I have to do but everyday is harder and harder....everyone keeps saying that the days get easier and its just not rue in my case....every time I take a blood sugar or give myself a shot a piece of me dies inside and all I do is cry. Honestly I felt better when I was ignoring my diabetes.
I am afraid for myself....If I keep trying to manage this disease for everyone else's peace of mind I don't know what will happen. But at the moment some of my anger just comes from being backed into a corner by my family and my job to take care of my diabetes. I don't believe that forcing someone to take care of their health is the right way to do it.
I guess that's my problem....I don't know how anyone can help me. I've been to countless therapists and support groups and nothing is working. Honestly maybe my other issue is that I don't have the patience, energy, or money to waste in order to find my miracle solution. I'm running out of options....and trust me no one will like my solution