I can relate to your past or current struggle.....I was on the insulin pump for 9 years and I got off the pump last year because it was in the hospital more often than usual because it was always malfunctioning. Then I got a replacement and it was doing the same thing, I got extremely frustrated and got rid of it all together. I've never rejected and resource given to me by a doctor.....but NONE of them work
Unfortunately where I live the people are not very nice. People here don't want to open up and let you in. I'm not isolated by choice, the people here have forced it upon me. But I do ask myself "what is the point?".....their is no point I'm tired of chasing after my happiness, I'm tired of trying to manage this diabetes for everyone else's peace of mind. What about me? Every time I take a blood sugar or give myself a insulin shot a piece of me dies all I can do is cry. So far everyone else around me is getting what they want out of this whole "diabetes management" thing besides me. I'm going to be honest with you I feel that because this body has failed me I don't feel the need to treat it with care....Life is not enough of a reward for me...I need much more than that.
P.S- I commend you for taking your diabetes with such a positive attitude. Keep it up
Hello Stuart:
Honestly I wish I could answer your question....but I cant I don't know what I or others can say or do to help me. I feel lost and alone. I don't know what to do I'm running out of options......I've already tried therapy, support groups, and diabetes volunteer work....but its not working. I wish I could tell you something, but I don't know what I need....
Hi Annette
You are in a psych program so perhaps you know about the "yes, buts". You have a lot of "yes, buts". But they all come from your depression. Re-read all your responses with the eye of a clinician and you will see a severely depressed young woman. Feeling hopeless and out of options is very much a symptom of Major Depressive Disorder. You need to treat your Depression. Depression, as you know is biological as well as psychological. You don't mention meds. Even if you have been tried on meds you probably didn't stay on them long enough or they weren't the right medication at the right dosage for you. Psychiatrists are a lot more knowledgeable at prescribing meds for Depression than PCP's. Also, as I mentioned before you have not "done" therapy because you didn't find the right therapist for you. Please get a referral and make a list of what you look for in a therapist.
In 25 years working in the field I can't tell you how many people I worked with who felt hopeless and came back to me later to say how well they were doing. Then there is myself - people took bets I wouldn't live to be 20. I'll be 65 in November. I would have missed so many good things. Suicide is not a solution. Getting help is, even if you just need to go into it with a very tiny thread of faith.
I don't think there is going to be a miracle solution, we all just have to take one day at a time. I'm hoping that you can get to a better place and realize that you have a lot to live for. You're young and your whole life is ahead of you. Are you religious at all? Do you think you can get some support from a religious organization? Please know that we all care about you and we don't want anything bad to happen to you.
I've managed mine for 55 years with no major complications, yet. I have had several minor problems that were resolved over time. I wish you would not be so angry at your condition. It is a pain in the ■■■, it can be majorly embarrassing when you go hypo in public, the injections and fingersticks take their toll over time and sometimes they hurt, feeling like you're a failure when your blood sugars and A1c aren't "perfect", having to explain your condition to people over and over, dealing with it 24 hours a day,7 days a week and 365 days a year. It is bull. But for me it is a part of who I am and I try to treat myself the best I can, so I do the best I can to treat the condition as well. For me, personally, I don't know anything else. Don't do it for everybody else do it for you. I will be saying a prayer for you if that's ok?
thanks, but trust me, it's not always so positive. I just keep trying to stay positive but it is a daily 'challenge'.
you have the power to get your peace of mind. make it about you & get ready to fight & stay strong.
what about those that are in your school program? could you reach out to anyone in there to meet for coffee or lunch?
im really sorry you are feeling this way. i wish i could say something to make you feel 100% better. you're definitely not alon in feeling down. all of us ahave had a hard time staying positive. i just hope that you can look at your body as something you have the power to take control of as best as you can.
don't feel defeated when you have a high or need to take insulin. those are necessary steps to regaining control. the sooner you do it, the sooner you will see results & the better you will feel.
Sorry you are going through such a tough time. The disease does suck. But, there is a lot great things in your life that are going great for you. I would give anything to have the education that you have. I to have been a diabetic for 17 years. Taking care of yourself is the best feeling better than any schooling. You hav to start with that. Support is great. But if you can’t support yourself with this disease is gets the better of you. If you find it hard to get situated start with one thing. Test, test, test. Most important of all. If you feel you are not happy with school then change it now. You are young. People do it all the time. You are smart and you have a great purpose in this life. Someone will learn by listening to your trials and tribulations. Unfortunately, there are people that have worse things. It is so manageable. When I was younger it seemed like the hardest disease. Now I feel it is easy. Make you a priority first. I had a beautiful baby boy and wonderful husband and you can sky the limit. Those are the future plans and a wonderful career to enjoy. You are to hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time. Start to test can’t stress it enough. If you get on a regular testing schedule and regular three month doctor appointments. The eating right and such will fall into place. Maybe take a breather from school and work to get a little better feel for your money situation. Talking about it is really a great challenge in its self. You are doing great. Let us know what we can do. Talking with someone is great. Maybe they can run some test and see if some other medication is better for you. Good luck.
Hi Annette,
Just to get this out of the way up front, I've been a Type 1 Diabetic for 31 years, and although I haven't had quite the same noncompliance level as you, I was VERY lax on my compliance through part of grad school. I understand how a) diabetes makes you different, and that sucks, b) diabetes requires a lot of maintenance, and that sucks, c) your immune system decided one day to attack perfectly wonderful cells that were manufacturing insulin, and that sucks. Here's the thing, though. Your body (specifically your immune system) is not the sum total of you. You may feel betrayed by your body, but the only way to keep your body healthy is to set your will to work on dealing with it.
You say that a part of your soul dies every time you do some diabetes-related task. Is that because it is effort? Or because it reminds you that you are different? Or is it something else? If it's effort, that sounds like depression talking. If it's because you're different, well, everyone is unique, and has some unique challenges. There are diabetics out there who deal with this every day -- you are not alone.
As for "solving the issue." if you are constantly at a very highly BG level, I doubt anything will be easy. We know that high BG can have long term effects, but it can also affect your mental state in the short term. I know, it's a bonus, right? I've got another one: If you're like me, not only did your immune system go after those insulin-producing cells, maybe it decided to go after your thyroid gland, too. If you have hypothyroidism as a result, it can drag you down, too.
I'm afraid the answer to a lot of these things is chemical. First off, if I were you, I'd get my blood sugar in a relatively normal range for about a week. You are the only one who is allowed to experiment on you, and it might lead you to the realization that you feel better, more energetic, happier, and more capable. That might reinforce doing those things that are deemed "compliant." If not, I'd talk to an endocrinologist about a thyroid hormone test. If the endo spots a problem there, you can get Synthroid or a generic version to tackle it. If there is no problem there, then you might want to think about finding a psychologist to talk to. No antidepressants there. If that doesn't work, though, it might be worth reconsidering the antidepressants. I think there are a few steps before that, though, to see if you can get yourself feeling better. Not for your parents, not for your doctor, not for any of us folks out here in the Diabetes Diaspora; just for you. It's in your hands, but there are people who can help.
My suggestion would be to just get the heck out of there. I hear what you are saying about not wanting to go home to family and I wouldn't want to guess at that situation. I also read what you said about where you are living now. If I were your age and single, with nothing to tie me down, I would hop in my car and find a community that would fit your personality and lifestyle better. With no strings holding you where you are, there is not much to lose. Start over fresh. There will always be struggles, but give yourself the chance to deal with things from the ground up. For instance, I think I would exercise more if I lived near a park, or I could go online and try to find a city where there seems to be more face-to-face support groups for people with Type 1, etc. At your age, you can take those risks to find what might work best for you.
Hi Annette! Diabetes is one of the best diseases you can have because you can manage and control it. You can feel well and have a good life. You PRIORITY has to be controlling and managing the diabetes. Diabetes affects our emotions and our physical well being but we can study and learn how to manage and control our blood sugars. I have read many books aside from what CDE's and Doctors have told me. I read Atkins to learn about carbs when newly diagnosed. I went to Jenny Ruhl's website www.bloodsugar101 and learned about how diabetes affects me. I read The Diabetess. Diet by Dr. Bernstein and his other book Diabetes Solution and learned about lo carbing to feel good. Dr. Bernstein is almost 80 and has had diabetes for over 64 years. I know what works for me because I have experimented with knowledge food and medicines. I'm 75 so I don't have much support from anybody and I have 3 beautiful kittycats that I must outlive. Who could take care of them like I do. I will pray that you find the right path of knowledge for you diabetes and know you will. Sometime our conscioness changes and out intelligence kicks in and we know what we have to do. God Bless You!
Some of the things you said I can really relate to. I feel that way majority of the time.....but I guess my problem is that I don't care about high blood sugars and what the number of my A1c is...I've never really cared or felt embarrassed if they were not perfect. But my question is, when will I want to do it for myself?
Well I grew up in a religious household, but when I first went away to college I didn't go to church or join any religious organizations because my faith has become non existent....why would god do this to me? I cant step into a church or join a religious group of any kind, I just don't want to bring any negative energy.
i agree with geekdaddy. if you can pick up and start over somewhere more suitable, i would do it.
Not to be rude to everyone reading this post.....but I have been out of graduate school for a year now I HAVE COMPLETED MY DEGREE...and so far no one seems to care about how qualified I am to be a therapist. Honestly if I knew that this would be my future I would have not wasted the last ten years in school trying to get an education that no one seems to recognize!!....I am at the point in my life where I refuse to start over in school or with anything else....I am 26 years old and I am too old to try and think of another way to spend my life. I have spent the last ten years with my head in a book, not having much fun because I was afraid of my grades slipping....but if I knew that all my education would still promise me nothing....I would have not went to college or graduate school and actually had a good time the last ten years....I am not the kind of person who wants or needs kids I just don't have the patience or the tolerance for kids, they just give me a headache.....So now that I have no career, no social life, no kids, and no husband.....what's the point of any "diabetes management"??
My soul dies every time I do these things because it is a constant PAINFUL reminder that yes I am different, and yes because it does take way too much effort....I've had high blood sugars for the past 9 years usually in the 200-350 range. When I take my insulin and then I take a blood sugar reading and its 120, I feel like I'm having a low blood sugar of 50. Normal blood sugars make me feel dizzy.
I don't think that the two of you understand my situation.....I have 2,000 clinical hours to complete in order to receive my license as a Mental Health Counselor, I have an apartment with LOTS of furniture that took me 6 years to complete.....I can just jump in my car and go. What happens to all that I built???
oh.. I'm sorry that you can't take some comfort there, but I understand. Sometimes I feel the same way- like why on earth did this happen to me? I took such good care of myself my whole life and it seems so unfair to suddenly have this chronic disease which requires so much constant attention.
Since it is part of your background don't totally rule that out as an option at some point because I think there are plenty of people who feel negative too in yours and other situations. Anyway, I just thought I would throw that out there as an idea. I'm not from a religious background, we had a mixed religious background in my family but my parents weren't really religious. I consider myself to be "spiritual", I'm prolly the only one in my family who does.
This is not easy being type 1 D, for sure. We each have to figure it out for ourselves, because it is different. But we can still help each other a lot. You still have the chance to have a great life ahead of you and I know you can do it. Things can seem really, really bad when you're down and the high bg aren't going to help your overall mood. Have you tried vitamins and things like that at all? I found when I was going into DKA and running out of insulin, without knowing what was going on, that green tea, melatonin, fish oils and some other supplements helped calm me down and give me more energy. Exercise helps my moods a lot too.
Annette, you mentioned problems with the pump.. have you considered going back to mdi instead?
What is mdi?
I had to laugh when you said that because I didn't know what mdi was for a long time.. even though I was using it and I'm sure you have probably too- it's multiple daily injections with pens or syringes. I use both. My endo wanted me to go on a pump right away but for many reasons I can't and I'm worried about things such as pump failures etc. I'm also very sensitive and can't stand having something inside me, the cgm was impossible for me.