Diabetes.....this is B*** S***

Mental and Emotional Wellness
41

sorry, i didnt realise you had to complete your clinical hours where you are living now. it would be crazy to not get it done. so if you have to stay because of that, then leaving will be more problematic.

an apartment, you can find another one. furniture, you can replace. sanity and a healthy body cannot be replaced. i once moved to a small beach town thinking that everyhting would be fabulous because the beach was down the street. id been for the job interview at the begining of the summer, saw the place packed with people, thought, i could so live here.

fastforward to september, the place was EMPTY of people my age. no one between the ages of 25 to 35. all kids and famiies and older people. i had no one to be friends with, do anything with, talk with. i woke up crying, got home from work and would be crying as i walked in the door after work. it was horrible. i never cried so much in my life. i even cried during gym workouts, thinking, well, im sweating, tears will just blend in with it.

i lasted three months. i became numb, felt no happiness, no joy, not even real sorrow, nothing. i was empty. i walked on the beach in the mornings and my fantasy of "wow, surfside living, thats the ticket" did not exist. i realised i had to get out because i lost 25 pounds in three months, forcing myself to eat at least 1 meal a day. one day i went up to hang the laundry on the line on the roof, looked over the edge, with the ocean just there, and thought about how it would be easy to jump, that i could. then i thought of my mom.

i spoke to my boss, got out of my contract in his good graces and bailed. i left a two month deposit on the flat that id rented and the money that the housing agency took, not to mention all the money to move twice.

its hard to uproot yourself and can be overwhelming, but if you have the opportunity to complete your clinical hours elsewhere, its something to think about. maybe its not for you, maybe you want to make a go of it where you are, but it just sounds like you have been very proactive in the past in your current location, and it has not worked.

whatever you decide to do, good luck, we are all pulling for you!

42

And feeling at 120 is probably going to keep happening until your body adjusts to lower blood sugars. It works the same way for people who are at 70 all the time and don't feel lows until they get into the 30s, and that can be dangerous, too.

And, again, you're not so different from me, and the other folks on this board. We're all doing this every day. Just know that there are a lot of people who live with this disease and fight it every day. There are plenty of people who aren't different from you in the world, and we know at least some of what you're going through.

Also, I forgot to address your point that you were being discriminated against because of being diabetic. Can you expand on that a bit?

43

Only you can decide that. No one else can make you do it you have to do it for you. I do it for me, but I also have a husband and son who I don't want to suffer because I don't take care of me. 7 years ago I started having severe problems with a condition called hypoglycemic unawareness. I couldn't tell when my blood sugar dropped and a couple of times I almost died. I knew I needed to start on a pump and called my doctor to make an appointment to talk to a diabetes educator to prepare for it. I was so upset about having to do it, I liked the way I had been managing my diabetes but I was going to kill someone else (if in a car and blood sugar dropped) or kill myself. I DID NOT WANT TO GO ON THE PUMP. But, also, it was not fair to my family to make them suffer when the problem could be resolved. My son was in college and didn't need the worry, my husband was traveling and it was causing him stress. It took about a year before I started to kind of like my pump, and let me tell you I cried,screamed and was very angry the first year. Now, I love it, although it can still be a pain in the butt. Take care of yourself for you. You are important and have purpose.

44

My son graduated 2 years ago with a degree in hospitality. Granted it is just a bachelors and he has no desire to further it at this point. When he started putting out applications he got no bites from anyone. Finally he went to a local restaurant that is part of a chain and got a job preparing food in the kitchen for the lunch/dinner menus. He would go in at 8am and often did not leave until 10 or 11 pm. He worked like a freaking dog in the hot, stinky kitchen, but kept sending out resumes and cover letters. About 7 months later he did get a job in his field that he is mostly happy about but has some major challenges for him. The job market out there is horrific. I watched my son deal with it and can understand your feelings of frustration. Add to that having to deal with a major medical problem on top of it all I can understand your deep frustration.

45

join a church group they do wonders for your soul - keep living please, life is a gift that we receive when we are born --

-funny about discrimination I live in Australia and I have never told any of my employers that I have diabetes - just made sure I always wore a shirt with pockets for jelly beans and they never ever found out - I know the diabetes org her would freak out about that and they say that a diabetic shoul tell everyone - well at first I did and then people look at you like you have some dreadful disease -

I even went on holidays with, other adults to take young people with disabilities and nobody knew. They still don't

when I was down many, many years ago I watch a movie called "The seven faces of Dr Lao" with Tony Randall as Dr Lao and the "Dead Poets Society" with Robin Williams a the teacher - very inspirational about like -

46

that feeling is normal. don't hate on yourself for it.

47

I have friends in your area if you need someone to talk to locally... people who have dealt with me and my diabetes crap for 10+ years.

48

So you're saying you don't believe in anti-depressants, but you believe in suicide?

Ok I'm just going to throw this out there but it sounds like the solution you really want is to not be diabetic anymore. And since that obviously isn't going to happen for at least a while, it sounds like your only other plan is suicide. If that's the case, why not just try an anti-depressant? I'll be honest, the only thing that made me want (and I use the term "want" very losely) to take care of myself and get myself out of a very similar funk was a low dose of an anti-depressant. No one says you have to take it forever.

I do hope things improve for you. I don't mean for this to sound like a horrible response to your message, and I hope you're not offended. I've been there, and it's not a fun place to be.

49

oh honey please se a dr and let them know how u feel i’ll be praying for u

50

Hi Annette. First, I SO admire you for having the courage to post here. I wish there were an easy answer we could give you. The best I can offer in that regard is to start really, really small - like test your bg when you brush your teeth in the am.

You will find friendship, understanding and as much support as you want here. You are NOT alone, and none of what’s happening is your ‘fault’.

Big hugs to you - please keep us posted, feel free to vent, etc.

51

Annette,

I'm so very sorry that your going through this very difficult time in your life. I can't personally imagine what your truly going through. Life is tough, and so is living with Diabetes but no one ever said it would be easy. But I truly believe that we were chosen to have this disease because we are strong enough to handle it. Like I've seen others say if your able to accomplish a Masters in Counseling then this too you will overcome. I had my times growing up that I hated having Diabetes. I wanted to be like everyone else so I wouldn't check my blood sugars, I wouldn't take insulin because I hated being embarrassed and people staring at me while I was doing what needed to be done, so I just wouldn't do it. But then I got sluggish & weak and so how emotional it made my parents, family & friends and I decided that wasn't how I was going to handle Diabetes for the rest of my life. So I worked my butt off to get back to where I needed to be. And here I am now, the only person that can turn this state that your in around is you. You've got to be wanting to do it, if not it will not work. All I can say is that your family does love you, even though they may not show it. Parents are suppose to be people that stand behind you and help you see where your going wrong or when your not doing what needs to be done. That right there shows they care!!! If they didn't care then they wouldn't bother giving you advice, or they wouldn't bother telling you what your doing wrong. Yes I know that it feels like they are backing you in a corner, and getting into your business. But that's what parents and family are about.

Don't let Diabetes RUN your life!!!!

52

Hello Annette:

Well... then maybe you have a new goal? To find some answers to PRECISELY that question... (what does Annette need ?)
An interesting challenge, no?

Consider you, and nobody else has gotten you where you are... was not mommy or daddy who did the work, right? You wrote, studied, busted your behind, to get this far... correct? You, not somebody else, correct?

You have some more grunt work, clocking supervised "clinical hours" to achieve what YOU have worked for. Are you truly gonna walk away from all the time and effort? Truly?

Also consider genuine independence means you are comfortable in your own skin. As a woman, as a person with advanced education... as someone who in addition to all her other abilities, labels, skills and minor flaws A-L-S-O happens to be one of us... is also a diabetic. A peer.

Let me ask you a question, go to the link below... and then tell me if you understand the initial-original post:

http://www.tudiabetes.org/group/diabetesvets/forum/topics/metaphors-of-your-diabetes

Do you still believe you are alone (sic. 6 pages of responses would argue that point effectively I think -playful wink-...)?

53

Controlling bloodsugars is the key. Our emotional lives depend on normal blood sugars. Feeling good depends on normal blood sugars. When our blood sugars go out of whack our intelligence falters, our thinking straight declines and our attitudes go into a deep dark funk. No one can function optimally with high blood sugars. High blood sugars will destroy us physically as well as emotionally and take away the power we need to have a healthy productive and sucessfuly life.

54

Hello Annette. Let me start by saying that you're not alone & I can see where you're coming from. I'm a newly diagnosed, young diabetic & like you, I'm also suffering from depression because of this disease. I've had my bouts of depression long before diagnosis but it seems that my condition exacerbated my tendency for depression. There are times when I refuse to acknowledge that I'm a diabetic & resort to eating whatever I want just to "withhold my sanity". I've never tried seeking psychological help because of my fear of being labelled as "mentally ill". Also, I don't want to take more medications. More often than not, I'm on my own & when I'm alone, that's when I feel down & out. I'm not in the position to give you any advice because I'm also having difficulty rising above my predicament but, yeah, just keep holding on. Get back on track; monitor your blood sugar regularly, take your meds/have your insulin & try to see things in a positive light. I know it easier said than done but I know you can do it. :)

55

Hello Annette:

Ever considered become a Clinical Psychologist, CDE??? Heaven knows you have serious experience and are earning the degree to play the game. Instant employment... serious insight.

Help us understand WHAT specifically shreads your soul... leaves you silently weeping??? We can guess, but will understand better, if you told us...

Reading your post, msde me smirk briefly for a moment. Contrary to the popular myth, 250-300 is NOT "high"... 400, 500, "HI"... t-h-o-s-e numbers are "high". But you are doing your very best...

There is no shame, no harm in 250... its a start.

Which effort hurts you the most Annette? What makes you absolutely insane with seething hatred?

56

No I havent considered it.....To be honest at this point after completing my masters degree last year, I just dont feel like doing any more school. I dont know if im being lazy or just thinking about spending the rest of my 20's in a classroom and havung no fun. Ive never been able to balance going to school and managing my diabetes.....sadly its either one or the other, but one always suffers, and for the past ten years in school the diabetes has suffered greatly. I wouldnt be any good at telling others how to manage their diabetes wgen truthfully I HATE diabetes all together. So to answer your question everything about this disease shreads my soul, everything about this disease hurts me......taking blood sugars all day, giving myself shots all day or even wearing the pump is an inconvience.....watching the carbs and portions of food I eat, then trying to calulate the carbs and how much insulin to give.....oh and lets not forget exercising for at least 30 mins a day.......It all drives me to insanity. I just cant deal with being diabetic so I just ignore it all together, then I get sick, stay in the hospital for a week.....then when I leave I do the same thing.

57

Scratching my head...

Annette you are doing something right... you are still here with us, yes? What part of the country are you in anyway?

You are passionate, articulate... just disgusted on multiple levels. Life, education, diabetes. Its messy.

Are you shreaded? You know lots of pretty latin words... what would you call yourself?
=============

There is not a single member here, who does not understand waaaaaaaaay too well, exactly what you are saying. Young, old, does not matter. We get it 10,000%.

How would you like us to help you, the most????

58

I live in the United States in South Florida.....I'm African American. What would help the most is if their was an adult type 1 support group near where I live.....but unfortunately most groups out here are for type 2 diabetics and its usually for kids and adolescents.

59

Maybe try hanging out at Tu for a while. Take a deep breath and think, I can do this and try doing it. I've seen several threads like this, maybe going back years, from you and from other users. Maybe if you can get some type of success or victory vs. diabetes, it would be a small thing to feel better about and you can build on that? 100% of the members here will agree that diabetes sucks and is a giant pain in the butt to deal with but we are all dealing with it one way or another. Some of the ways may work better than others and maybe if you post a thread about a particular challenge, people will try to help you sort out one or two or 15 problems.

I've seen other people post threads about how tough it is and how it makes them want to give up and all that and some of them have hung out, figured out how to get a leash on their BG and posted notes about how they feel like they're doing better because of whatever is making them feel better. There's no guarantee and we aren't doctors (ok, there might be a few of them floating around but I'm not aware of any frequent posters who are MDs...) but talking about things can help make us feel better.