I sometimes wonder what people mean when e.g. they say that it takes much work to keep a marriage going.
What precisely do they mean by that. I know people , a woman for example who lost her husband when she got diabetes and a man also who lost his wife when he got diabetes. How is this possible? Don’t people discuss the problem that unexpectedly showed up in their lives? A wife or husband complains and says that he/she “can’t take it anymore!” This is a most often used outcry from the partner of the newly diagnosed like they are severely suffering because their partner became a diabetic or cancer or any sort of disease did hit the partner.
What happened to the love professed at meeting each other at first. Especially with diabetes which can be lived with almost normally for a very long time.( Johanna and I live with it every day and will get into our 50th year at this coming Xmas.) Yes, I know people are all different, but do you have to give up on each other without even trying out what it will be like? Many people affected by diabetes have good marriages where getting hit by diabetes will bring the two partners even closer together and I have been extremely lucky with my partner for near 60 years sofar, out of which nearly 50 have been diabetes related. Because of Johanna in particular in the before glucose monitor period, I’m still kicking because several times she actually saved my life.
Then I hear of wives or husbands who won’t have anything to do with the diabetes, something like that is YOUR disease, not mine. Wives who will not adjust the cooking to keep the partner healthy. They will cook one way for the family and different for the husband. We never did because it is far more healthy to go by the diabetes menu than often other menus are. Mind you, I have never felt bad and encouraged Johanna to eat things she and the kids would like to eat or having some sweet deserts. Give and take is a good motto to live by. Flexibility will keep everyone happy.
Well, I better stop or will write another book here.
My contribution for today!
JOHNBEN or JB.
Some things I don’t seem to understand about the posting business. Sure don’t … Like responses. How come that on another board I get many responses on this subject and here none at all. Different type of people? Please don’t call me a cry baby, about the responses. Some no doubt will be eager to do that. But if I write about a problem that many do experience
I do expect some participation. Maybe I don’t understand…getting maybe to old to post and should retire to reading only!
What a smart idea that is Johnben. Maybe I just have some good ideas left…after all. I do get plenty of responses on other subjects…? Will retire for a while, Maybe, if I can.
JB.
Congratulations on 49+ years! It does sound like you found a true partner in life. I think that is hard to find, maybe that is the reason for radio silence. : )
IMHO The partner was gone long before the DX. Sometimes it takes longer to leave than it does to be gone. I personally wouldn’t consider not sharing with anyone who loves and cares about me. I wouldn’t whine and complain. I may not share it all. But I would give enough information to ease their(s) mind(s).
Don’t retire to just reading. I’ve done some reading here and it seems it’s a very personal and individual situation. Please don’t take it personally. Congrats on the big 49. That’s great!
I have a partner!!
Ive had diabetes way before I was allowed to date and this topic is something that both my parents and I have worried about growing up. I didn’t date much in high school because diabetes scared my peers for some silly reason.
I’ve had a fair share of boyfriends- most of them didn’t want to know about diabetes except what to do if I passed out, but there have been others who were moderately supportive.
The boyfriend I have now is an amazing partner, more than I could ever have asked for. At first he had no clue what diabetes was but I told him that my diabetes and me, well, we come in a decoratively designed package. I was open with him from the first date- I tested my blood sugar right in front of him hoping to get some sort of response out of him. He was curious. The more dates we went on, the more he learned. He also did some research about the topic when I wasn’t around and he’d surprise me with little diabetes facts and ask how these facts he found fit into my life.
2 weeks after our first date it was Christmas. I had no clue what to get him so I got him a water filter (he drinks lots of bottled water…) and a book on diabetes. Weird gift? It sure was! I didn’t expect him to read it, but it was there if he wanted to… He read it. He read it and he kept texting me questions about the information in the chapters and how this information would “affect our future” It was the kindest thing a person has done for me. This opened the door to discussions about healthy eating, exercise, health insurance, and family planning (its an important topic for both of us)
My diabetes is his diabetes:
He checks up on me and what my bg readings are peiodically
I send him PDFs of charts and logs I send to my doctors
he listens to dlife on xm radio
he gets anxious before doctor appointments, afraid of what they may say
he also celebrates the amazing blood sugars and little accomplishments that happen daily
etc…
HI Johnben,
Maybe people didn’t see the discusssion or missed it somehow - don’t take it personally - it isn’t intentional. Sometimes people just don’t have anything to add. I didn’t see this until today even though it was posted yesterday.
I have something to add. I havent been married so I can’t relate to that but here is my story… i found out I had diabetes a little over two months ago. At that time I was living with my bf and we had been together for many years and I will say I didn’t feel much support on his side when I was diagnosed. He was all consumed with some other problems he had (not health related and rather trivial to what was happening to me). It was more like trying to push me to handle it the way he would if it was him who had it. I hate to say this but I almost thought he was kind of embarrassed that his girlfriend was now “sick”. We were (are) both vegetarian and are into healthy eating, lifestyles so for me to find out I had diabetes - well, it was like “how could a healthy vegetarian get diabetes?”
Of course this would change “our” lifestyles - a lot of places we would go eat, things I would make at home to eat where all now “off the list” - and with lifestyles that were already restrictive - well, more tension. But add diabetes to the top of everything else that was wrong - I was unemployed, had no insurance, declared bankruptcy the year before - bf only had a parttime job and the credit card companies were threatening to take him to court… I also just found out a few weeks prior to the diabetes diagnosed that I was half way to cervical cancer and I was going to need a treatment. So needless to say things were not going well anyhow - because of my female problems, there was no sex life. Although he said he was understanding - I could feel the resentment. I can tell when someone is hiding something. So, I felt like less of a person because the relationship wasn’t “normal” because I had problems. The D diagnosis really “did thing in” - sort of speak. I cant even tell you how “inferior” and “broken” I felt - in fact, sometimes I still feel that way.
In fact I remember him saying once, that he wanted his old gf back but she was too obsessed with her disease. Meaning me before I had diabetes. Obsessed means I was spending too much trying to learn about it (well, what else am I supposed to do - of course that is what happens at the beginning - I was terrified!). He wanted me to be involved in “his” problems (and they were trivival things that were not “do or die” situations). He didn’t want to talk about my problem. He didn’t realize how tremendous the pschological trauma was that i was going through. It was always about him. It was like he wished it would “go away” - well, heck, I wished that too! Even more than him!
Because I had no way to pay for the medical expensives my mom invited me to move back home and to be honest - I was kind of relieved. Of course the idea of moving back home wasn’t that appealing after being on my own for quite a while but they offer to help pay for the medical expenses which my bf couldn’t do and I couldn’t do. So, not only did I have to adjust with finding out I had D but I had to deal with a breakup and moving. I have to start my life over again.
I hate to say this but a part of me is relieved to be out of that situation. It just seemed to be getting worse and worse causing me lots of stress and I know that in the end because of my problems things would have fallen apart anyhow. The weird part is that his dad died of MS so he is at high risk of it and has been sick in the past thinking he was developing it - so you would think he would have some sort of an idea of what it is like to find out you have some sort of chronic illnesss that can be genetic (my doctor says my diabetes in genetic T2). I guess when the shoe is on the other foot some people aren’t so understanding like they were when it was them going through it.
What someone wants when they find out they have something serious wrong with them is just for someone to listen and let them cry and hold them and be on their side - not to boss and wag fingers at and be told what to do. My lesson learned is people ever treat you like that than you probably should not be in a relationship with them anyhow.
Kimberly, I’m so sorry for all the negative things happening. I will keep you in my prayers. Even though I don’t know you. I know HE will.
I’m sure you won’t want to hear this. The big D may be a blessing in disguise. This guy showed his true colors. I’m sure it wouldn’t be any different if you were married and had children. You’re better off without him. Now, you can concentrate on you and your health issues. You should be the main focus.
Speaking of that. Looking down the road and at the big picture. I’d suggest you apply for disability. It will remove a lot of stress when you get it. You’ll have insurance. A small income and Rx coverage. Best wishes and best of luck to you.
Congratulations on going on 50 years!
I was diagnosed nearly 14 years ago, and frankly, my husband hasn’t changed anything in his behavior since. He doesn’t have a clue as to what I do at any point in time, and couldn’t tell you anything about my treatment except I’m on a pump. I’ve never understood his attitude towards my diabetes. I do take care of my self very well, and don’t ask for help. Maybe that’s my first mistake. But I don’t want his help, he tends to procrastinate and has rare follow through. My kids are a big help.
To a point. I think most of us are our own best caretakers. I suspect many men tune illness out. It’s viewed as a weakness. Even shameful. With all the issues I have my dad just keeps saying, “you didn’t get it from my side.”
That’s probably true though. His side is healthy or dead. He’s nearly 93, not really healthy and in deep denial about it.
My husband and I have been married for 44 years. We were married for 33 years when I was Dx’ed. He is very caring and considerate of my feelings about my D,but not overbearing. He did take the D education classes with me when I was first Dx’ed. He is definitely not the D Police about what I eat. He is also great about detecting my “lows” even before I do, and giving me food for them. I hope I never have to be without him, because I don’t know that I would do.
You are truly blessed to have the support!
My partner left three months post-diagnosis. Yes, there were other issues; the entire year previous was a blur of a bad depression for her (she was off work for four months), my need to remove myself somewhat from the situation so as not to be completely consumed, working to close the distance after she returned to work, then my diagnosis and dealing with the shock of it. We just never had a solid foundation all of 2009.
While she will say she didn’t leave because of the diabetes, that sure didn’t help me not to feel completely abandoned especially since I stuck with her through the depression.
Now I don’t let anyone know what I’m feeling, unless it’s here.
JB, I have a partner in life and in my opinion a top shelf selection. She has don a tremendous job at making this easy for me, she has experimented with foods, combinations of sweeteners, went to every diabetic education class with me and has pretty much memorized which foods do what to me, as well I have. I’m not going to say i could not have done it without her help, but my food choices would be more limited, and it would be more difficult. She an I are looking at 30 years come September.
Sometimes I see my postings but then the next minute I do not. Wonder why?
Thanks for all your replies.
JB.
What a wonderful lady!
Hi Johnben,
I have to say that my wife has been just great since my dx last September. She has totally changed our diet and eats almost everything I do (except for a few cookies :). We also go for hour walks together after super. She doesn’t see this as just my disease but something we both have to live with.
I wish everyone could have someone like her… Thanks Kim… Love Paul…
You’re probably right. He has admitted if he’d have been diagnosed with diabetes, he’d probably be dead by now. He wouldn’t bother to take care of himself, he’d want me to do it for him.
That’s great and I believe as it should be.
The cookies made me smile. My grandmother had D. Her home had an eat in kitchen as well as a living room dining room area. She couldn’t get away with much. One day she was leaning over the sink with her back to everybody around. Chomping down on a sandwich.
She was there longer than my aunt thought she should be. Went over to see what was taking her so long. She had made herself a cookie sandwich. Not eating at the table was her first mistake. lol
I am jealous. Where do you guys find these perfect people who are all so supportive and everything? You are all so lucky.