I wouldn't ask, but I never got married! I was diagnosed with type 1 when I was 25 years old, perfect marrying age. I decided against marriage because I felt I'd eventually end up being a burden on my family. Besides, I was scared to have kids. Wanted them, but was scared I'd pass it on because everyone in my family has type 1, and the one black sheep who has type 2 (my father). But, I was always curious how diabetes would affect a marriage, would it bring you closer together or push you further apart? Would you ever consider having children knowing you might pass it on? But, mostly, does your partner treat you well? Does he help with chores? Is he understanding? That kind of thing. Oh, and another thing: I gave up dating because I felt men wouldn't find me "sexy" and desirable anymore, like I was diseased or something ... just wondering if that ever happened in your marriage? Did your partner pull away when you were diagnosed? Just wondering. I suppose I'll never actually know firsthand. I can live vicariously, can't I? *wink* Thanks!
I'm not married, and I was diagnosed when I was 13 so I had no "partner" of any kind, but I have dated with the same success as anyone and my current decision not to be married was a mutual one where both my boyfriend and I decided that marriage wasn't a step we needed to assure our commitment to each other. Anyway, I will answer the questions as I can.
I was always curious how diabetes would affect a marriage, would it bring you closer together or push you further apart?
Diabetes doesn't really do anything to our relationship. I guess in some senses it has become "our" diabetes, but honestly even with my previous non-romantic roommates the ownership was similar. I do all the counting and checking and dosing but if my CGM buzzes or I'm acting funny both my boyfriend and my past roommates have shared the responsibility of making sure I'm ok. In the same sense that if someone you care about is sneezing, you ask if they're ok, they would ask me about my sugars and if I get belligerently low (which is super rare) I've had friends, roommates, and family all (at one time or another) help me by getting and opening/portioning out whatever my sugar of choice was.
Would you ever consider having children knowing you might pass it on?
Personally, I've never wanted children. I have cats. :P However, I do know several type 1s who have successfully had children who are not diabetic. That's not including all the people on this forum who have non-diabetic and diabetic children who are all healthy.
But, mostly, does your partner treat you well? Does he help with chores? Is he understanding?
He absolutely treats me well. If he didn't, he wouldn't be my partner. I'm not sure why he wouldn't help with chores, even if I wasn't diabetic. We both live here, we both eat here, we both clean here. As far as diabetic chores go, he helps me insert my CGM and pump sites when I use the back of my arm. He also (mostly) uncomplainingly throws away all of the diabetes supplies that I seem to shed like hair. Though, in that case, he uses daily contacts that have these individual cases that he is just as bad about throwing out ... so he really can't complain :P
Oh, and another thing: I gave up dating because I felt men wouldn't find me "sexy" and desirable anymore, like I was diseased or something ... just wondering if that ever happened in your marriage?
Hm.. I think with this, it's similar to the "treats me well" answer. If he didn't find me sexy, then we wouldn't be romantically involved. If he found everything about me except my diabetes sexy, that would really be his problem and I'd find someone else. I realize that at the time it would be a huge blow to my self esteem, but I have a feeling that we wouldn't have gotten very involved before that feeling was disclosed. I wear my diabetes on my sleeve and it's often one of the first things I tell people about myself especially since meeting people both romantically and otherwise usually involves food or coffee or any other reason for me to check my blood sugar.
I'm 33 and am not married, but it's because I've been very focused on school and my career up until now and has nothing to do with diabetes or any of my other health issues. Also, because I'm an introvert I tend to not go to social events with lots of people, which makes it hard to meet guys. I'm hoping to change that this year and make an effort to get out there and meet more people. If someone I met had a problem with my diabetes (or my severe allergies, or my blindness) then that would be a sign to me that he is not the right person.
Obviously I wouldn't want to pass diabetes on to kids, but I really never understood when people said they don't want to have kids due to a medical condition being passed on. Obviously the decision to have kids or not is a big decision and a very personal one, and I totally understand people who say they do not want to have kids (I may be in that category myself, although it might change if I got married), but I don't understand when something like diabetes or a certain disability is cited as the sole reason. But that's just me, and is probably largely based on my own life experience...
I was born quite premature and spent months in the neonatal intensive care unit, part of that time on life support, and I have a significant disability because of my premature birth. I have heard people say that premature infants shouldn't be saved because of the possible lifelong medical conditions and disabilities that result - I've even heard some parents say this. But if you asked any adult who has a significant medical condition or disability resulting from prematurity, I'm betting that every one of them would say they are grateful to be alive. I have yet to meet any adult preemie who says otherwise. I'm betting the same is true of kids diagnosed with diabetes who also have a parent with diabetes - they would probably much rather be alive and have diabetes than never have a chance to be born at all.
Sure, go ahead.
It's there but it hasn't been a huge deal. People with diabetes are way sexier, more than offsetting any lost sexy points incurred due to diabetes...
That's a great point AR. Also people with diabetes are math wizards.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you asked most people (who actually live with the condition) if they would rather be alive and living with blindness or be dead, or be alive and living with quadriplegia or be dead, or be alive and living with multiple sclerosis or be dead, or be alive and living with diabetes or be dead, or any number of other chronic illnesses or disabilities, I think a vast majority would say they would rather be alive and living with their condition than be dead. (Important note: I think if you asked people who were NOT living with those conditions, or who were newly diagnosed and hadn't had time to adjust yet, many would say they would rather be dead than living with blindness, quadriplegia, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, and so on.)
Where is your blog? I don't mind if you quote from my post as long as it doesn't change the meaning of my post. You know how some people can quote something out of context and chagne its meaning... :)
Being married has literally saved my life. If I hadn't had my husband around there are several instances and reasons I truly would be dead right now. From him being there to notice severely low blood sugars while I was asleep, to him being by my side and supporting me through serious life-threatening complications of diabetes, to his job which provides us with health insurance so I can have proper care. And even his unwaivering love and emotional support.
MY husband has been there by my side keeping me strong through everything. He knew about my type 1 from the first day we met and has never flinched or thought less of me for it.
He was recently diagnosed with type 2 himself and this has actually brought us even closer and strengthened our relationship because even though he has always understood my disease, he now is experiencing a lot of it first hand and I can now be the one with strength and encouragement like he has always given to me.
I wish TuDiabetes would add a "like" link like Facebook has. I definitely would "like" Tamra's post.
I wish TuDiabetes had a like button for posts, too. Lots of times I feel like pressing it but none exists! Maybe the new site will have one... :)
Like
:)
I don't mind being quoted as long as it stays in context. Just like Jen said. :)
When I was diagnosed a dozen years ago, I worried a bit about how it would affect dating. After all, we're biologically programmed to look for good genetic material in a potential mate, and by definition, ours is a little subpar, at least in one key respect.
What I actually found is that for most women, the reaction was that it seemed like I managed it really well, and that therefore they inferred that I must manage other aspects of my life well.
More recently, I continued on MDI, and held off on a pump, because of some concerns about dating (I'm still, or again, single, though I don't think it has anything to do with diabetes). The pump, and also CGM, that I got two months ago does make things a lot more visible. Mostly the reaction seems positive, but everything seems a bit more "in your face" than on MDI. So I'm not sure yet what I think about it.
But I really do think that much more than the fact of the disease or its visible manifestations in the technology we use is how we are in relation to it. If we're upbeat, constructive, proactive, I think that can actually make a very positive impression. If we're defeatist, passive aggressive, or otherwise less-than-constructive, I think that can easily make a very negative impression.
I am engaged and have type 1. If diabetes has effected our relationship I think it has helped me know exactly how much he cares about me.
When we first started dating, I told him right away I had diabetes but he really didn't know what that meant. I didn't make a big deal about it and didn't really share much with him other than I had it and a very basic what it is "My body doesn't make insulin so I have to give myself insulin and then check to make sure my b/g doesn't get too high or too low or I could pass out."
But as we got to know each other he took a greater interest and asked questions. Then he looked some things up online and asked more questions. When he moved in he would ask what my b/g was sometimes. Then he went to thirds and he worried I'd be low in the night and not know it (funny because I previously lived alone). That's when I started to notice the caring and open up to him about my fears and struggles.
Fast forward to now, he will check my CGM when he wakes up to pee at night. He checks it in the AM before he leaves for work if I am still asleep. He wakes me up when I am high or low in the night. He supports me, he gets me food when I can't. He takes a lot of the burden away from me. The part I love the most besides not being alone in this is when I am high. He lets me go to sleep and will stay up to check it and wake me up if it doesn't/isn't coming down.
In short, he is amazing. He lets me have dessert when I need too and supports me when I am working hard to accomplish a1c goals… he is amazing. For someone not even knowing anyhitng about diabetes when we met, he really took to it, because he loves me.
Oh, and he thinks I am very sexy, even if my pump and sensor are in the weirdest places.Sure, welcome to use what I wrote for the blog. Will you share a link here?
You can use them… and remember, people get married at any age. You still might find someone that loves you and admires you for all you have been through and WANTS to be with you… so don't count marriage out, ever.
I have been married nearly 39 years. I had T1 for 14 years when we got married. Never considered it a hurdle or a problem. I was just a girl, in love with a guy. When I became pregnant, I just had to step up. The pregnancy was a very long haul for us, but successful. My son and grandchildren were recently tested in a Joslin study and do not carry the genes, to "pass it on." Would not change a thing. Diabetes was only a factor during pregnancy.
We have a loving and supportive relationship, and he watches out for me--sometimes too much, but that is OK.
I never thought of myself as diseased or inadequate. Even at 62, I know he finds me as sexy as I do him.
My husband and I are partners - in my D as well as all sorts of other things. And remember, just cuz right now you are the one with "something" you never know. I helped my husband get through stage 4 metastatic melanoma - he's been cancer free for 14 years now. I think that my having dealt with type 1 for so long (I was 30 when D'xd, made me better prepared to be in his corner (I learned to speak doctor-ese long ago)and get him through things. Now for me.,,, a deal breaker wouldn't be D - but something like the dude never read a book. We haven't had children - but not cuz of D because I am in no way mommy-material. We have three pugs instead.
In general, I think people who have chronic conditions have more empathy for others and have healthier, more developed perspective about how much/how little control they have over the world around them. It can be quite refreshing.
BTW, my husband's mom had 7/9 kids in her family with type 1. But, no diabetics have appeared in the two generations that followed - except her husbands got some borderline type 2 (unrelated).
This is from a guy's perspective...
I wouldn't ask, but I never got married! I was diagnosed with type 1 when I was 25 years old, perfect marrying age. I decided against marriage because I felt I'd eventually end up being a burden on my family.
Here's a different perspective... I'm a burden to my wife, and she's a burden to me. We share each other's issues (burdens, if you will - as soon as I can find a fault with her, I'll let you know.), and (getting religious here), you love whom you serve, so I server her with all my heart, and she does the same for me.
Besides, I was scared to have kids. Wanted them, but was scared I'd pass it on because everyone in my family has type 1, and the one black sheep who has type 2 (my father).
I have 7 children, and none have diabetes. They are aged 5-24. So far, I have had a good life, and wouldn't trade it for anything.
But, I was always curious how diabetes would affect a marriage, would it bring you closer together or push you further apart?
I'm sure that she'd prefer I don't have diabetes, as would I, but there are things about the diabetes that have brought us closer together:
1. She knows that when I'm being a jerk, the most likely cause is low blood sugar, or blood sugar between 140-180.
2. We have trained a Diabetic Alert Dog together, and it makes a huge difference when Cooper (our DAD) helps me manage my hypo-unawareness.
3. There is a story in our church, it goes something like this... A couple goes to their bishop before they are married, and he says to them, "Now you are at the end of your troubles." After a year of marriage, the man is beside himself, and he goes to the bishop, and says to him, "I thought you said that we were at the end of our troubles when we got married! I have tried and tried to figure her out, and I am going crazy!" The bishop smiles, and says, "I never told you which end you were at."
The point of #3 is that marriage is not all sunshine and lollypops, but it works its way to get there, if the two of you work together on everything. That's right. Everything.
Would you ever consider having children knowing you might pass it on?
With 7 kids, I'd say, "yes".
But, mostly, does your partner treat you well?
Yes, she does
Does he help with chores?
We have an arrangement in our marriage. I go out and work outside the home, and she works inside the home. She helps me at work by making my lunch, and I help her at home with the housework, and the "man has to do it" stuff, like plunging toilets, fixing lights, and doing stuff outside. That is not to say that there is a defined role for men and women, but I have my stuff I do, and she has hers. Plus, I'm typing this after doing the dishes, which I love doing.
Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. When she asks me to do something, I figure (and after all this time, she's right) that I need to do whatever she asks. She doesn't keep score, and say, "well, I cleaned the living room, you have to do the bathrooms!" She gives me a list (which I love) and I check them off as they get done. For those of you that have advice on this, this is our marriage, and it works for us. (Lana, did you catch that? You do what works for you and your spouse.)
Is he understanding? That kind of thing.
I'm not nearly as understanding as I'd like to be, but I keep trying. I have learned that sometimes she wants to vent, and not have me fix things. So, what I do is listen and give her a hug.
Oh, and another thing: I gave up dating because I felt men wouldn't find me "sexy" and desirable anymore, like I was diseased or something ... just wondering if that ever happened in your marriage?
You're probably not going to want to hear this, but if you don't feel sexy or desirable, not many real men will. A confident woman is sexy. A woman that knows what she wants is sexy. A damsel in distress is sexy, if that distress is a temporary condition, and not a chronic condition. If you are constantly low, it gets old, quickly. A woman that takes care of herself is sexy. A woman that is educated is sexy. A woman that knows who she is is sexy.
D
id your partner pull away when you were diagnosed? Just wondering. I suppose I'll never actually know firsthand. I can live vicariously, can't I? *wink* Thanks!
I really don't know what to say to that. My wife loves me because I am there for her, and she is there for me. Our relationship is the hardest and best thing that I have ever done, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and intellectually. She takes care of me when I need help, she gives me advice when I need it, she knows me, and loves me for who I am, and encourages me to be a better person, just because I want to be that reality to be worthy of her love. I know I am a better man than I was when I met her, and I hope to say that every day of our lives.