My seven and a half year long relationship just ended over an Endocrinology Appointment. At least it was the final straw the broke the camels back.
My boyfriend has made little to no effort over the course of our relationship to understand diabetes, to the point of calling my pump a meter and complaining if I eat candy (when low).
This bothered me but I let it slide.
Recently I changed careers and moved across the state to be together and advance our relationship. He was voicing concerns about getting married and starting a family, because of Diabetes and possible pregnancy complications.
So instead of trying to convince him myself, I asked him to come to an endocrinology appointment with me to hear everything straight from the endocrinologist.
In preparation for this appointment I started a ketogenic diet and tried my very best to have a perfect A1c.
During the appointment the endo was very impressed A1c was low 6’s and when I asked the endocrinologist about having kids he was very persistent that it is possible I could have a pregnancy without complications… etc…
So when we get home my boyfriend tells me that he thinks the appointment didn’t go well, It didn’t seem like I took the doctor seriously and he dosen’t want to be married, or have kids.
So I’m moving out. and moving on. but very shocked, I’m worried about dating someone new with this experience hanging over my head. Is diabetes really that big of a factor with dating? Seems pretty shallow.
I’m also 28 and the thought of starting over is exhausting.
You definitely made the right decision to leave this creature. You are only 28 and will find someone else, someone who will love you for who you are. (((Hugs))) from Maureen
Sounds like you’re managing your chronic illness better than ever, and you have realized that your personal relationship needs a new person in it!
The loss of a relationship is always a painful thing. You will experience some true ups and downs as you deal with this over the next days and weeks and months, I’m sure. But as the old adage says, “Time heals all wounds.” Grieve your loss, but know (and truly believe) that over time you will find someone else to share the joys of life with.
FWIW, I have never had the D-thing as a dating issue. Now could there have been some who purposely shied away from me because of my condition? Maybe, but I’m not aware of it. Reading between the lines of your post, it seems as though your ex might have been using D as an excuse to avoid discussing the fact that he wasn’t ready for a commitment to you.
In a dating world, I would try to manage expectations, both yours and your dates’. If you act as though D is just a regular part of your life, then your potential partners will too. That isn’t to say that you don’t want your partner to have a good understanding of what you have to go through, because you definitely want that, right? But, remember that no one will ever appreciate your challenges as deeply as you do. Also, you might not want to start out a first date by taking your date to your endo appointment, or a D-education session. Just sayin’!
I’m so sorry he was not more understanding or supportive. I’m terribly impressed by your strength to see this for what it is and take quick and sure action to remove it from your life. You deserve someone who understands and appreciates you - all of you. You obviously didn’t have that with him.
28 may seem late to be starting over, but you have so much of your life ahead of you and now you have the opportunity to make that future everything you want.
Thanks for sharing this - I hope you’ll keep us posted on your new adventures.
My story like this is more about my blindness in one eye, but it’s similar.
When i was about your age I met a guy and we hit it off really well, or so I thought. But after every time we got together, i would be able to almost physically feel him back away the next day. Hell, on the ride home–because of my vision issues, I don’t drive at night and he would have to pick me up and drop me off at home. I also carry a pocket flashlight with me at night.
Anyway, after one rendezvous, he complained that while we were together he was actually able to forget about my vision problems, but that seeing me take the flashlight out “brought it all rushing back”. He didn’t last a whole lot longer, because I finally figured out all he was after was FWB but couldn’t admit it.
Next guy I dated, on our second in person date (we met online and had talked via computer and phone for several months), I told him the above story and said “I need to know if this is going to be that kind of issue for you, and I’d rather know now than later”. He smiled at me, said, “I know this much. NO one. In my position. Should EVER. Forget about this” and pointed at my blind eye by gently touching that cheek.
That was I think sometime in 2008. We’ve been married for six years and I STILL get a little teary telling that story.
THAT’S the kind of guy you need. No, DESERVE. I know it’s hard right now, but good riddance to bad rubbish. With everything else you have to deal with, you need that kind of life-partner like a hole in the head.
I’m so sorry about your heartbreak. I can imagine how horrible it feels, but you did the right thing. Recovery is painful and slow, and it will take time, and you will need time to grieve. But you will recover and you will meet someone who will love and accept you for who you are. He didn’t tell you he wasn’t interested in a future together because of an endocrinology appointment, nor over your diabetes. You met when you were 21, and people can change dramatically between 20-30. If a partner is not able to make a commitment after 7 years, it may be a sign that you’re no longer compatible. And it sounds like from what you write that you were making the majority of the compromises and accommodations. That should tell you something, if not everything. For him, diabetes was a convenient excuse because he didn’t have the courage to tell you that he couldn’t commit.
We’ve all had our hearts broken. And while it might sound like a cliche, every time it’s happened to me I’ve come out stronger and met someone with whom I was much more compatible. The same will happen to you. You will find a partner for whom diabetes is a non-issue. Don’t settle for anything less. You deserve it. And one day you’ll look back at your time with your ex and feel a huge sense of relief that you dodged a bullet and that you’re no longer together.
My best guess hearing your story is that maybe things weren’t great or had changed for him anyway, and he is blaming the diabetes/using it as a reason to end things. In my experience, when people fixate on something like that, it’s a sign they aren’t really committed otherwise. People who are currently very invested a relationship try to see how it can work, not ways it can’t. So in a way, it’s better to know now so you can move on. And while starting over at 28 may seem overwhelming now, it’s really different dating when a little older, because people know themselves and what they want MUCH more clearly usually, so relationships develop differently and sometimes more quickly than when you’re in your early 20s (and perhaps with more success, since you’re deciding who to be with based on everything you now know).
Also, congrats on doing so well w your diabetes—sounds like you’re doing a great job. In my experience, most people you date will take their cues about diabetes from you, so if you present it as something you understand well and have good control over and feel confident about, they will accept that.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I feel for you. I had a long-term relationship end when I was 29 and felt much the same way - that I wouldn’t be able to find someone who would care about me like him. The problem was that the relationship with the ex was not the healthiest to begin with but I found myself excusing the bits that weren’t working because of my lack of confidence in what I deserved and that there was someone better out there for me.
I’m not surprised you were shocked, his behaviour is shocking! Sounds like he used your diabetes as an excuse to me. He doesn’t understand the basics of managing diabetes and yet he is now some kind of expert on diabetic pregnancies??? Plenty of people including me have had perfectly healthy babies and complication free pregnancies despite many years of type 1. Thankfully you got out while you did. Sorry for your heartbreak and I’m sure you’ll go on to meet someone more deserving in the future and have a beautiful family. Mind yourself and remind yourself that you are lucky he showed his true colours before you went down the aisle. And at 29 you are still a spring chicken!!! Ps well done on your a1c that is excellent.
Here’s some perspective from someone twice your age, with twice the “database” of observation and experience. Hope it helps.
Diabetes can mess up or destroy a relationship, for sure. I could relate some episodes far more shocking than yours. But—and this is key—there’s just as much data at the other end of the bell curve: relationships that are able to successfully weather, or even be strengthened by the shared adversity. (A successful committed relationship is about sharing, yes?)
The point is simple, really. Diabetes is just something that’s part of you, like your hair color or your profession. Someone who wants to be with you isn’t going to blink at it. They may be curious and want to be educated, but that’s something altogether different.
The right person will take it in stride. The examples are countless. You just haven’t found that person yet. I was older than you are now when I did, and we’ll celebrate our 37th anniversary this Fall.
The heartbreak will pass. Easy to say, I know, but it is the truth. Hang in there, and don’t settle—the person you belong with is out there.
It sounds like you were pressuring him into something he never wanted, which is marriage / kids. Many people don’t want that these days, and that’s probably good news for the planet.
A type 1 diabetic definitely needs an understanding and supportive partner, who actually wants to commit to you and doesn’t need convincing by a third party. I’m worried about having kids and giving my type 1 diabetes to them, since it can be inherited and I have a hard enough time living and coping with this disease myself, let alone caring for a sick child too. I want kids, but if T1DM weren’t likely to be cured soon I wouldn’t do it. I don’t wish this disease on my worst enemy. My childhood was ruined when I became type 1, it sucked all the fun out of it and took me years to learn to cope. And even now, I still suffer daily.
If a man wants to marry you and have kids it should be him asking you, or a mutual desire, not all on one side. Free advice: Take this as a life lesson and avoid doing that in the future. Get that question out of the way before you even begin a new relationship if that’s what you truly want. If it scares away some guys, then you’re better off without them and find someone who’s into it – and most importantly – into you.
btw, I also always thought that low-6 A1C is ideal but it’s not from a longevity point of view. Managing this disease is a balancing act of avoiding glucotoxicity and insulin toxicity, and the longest lived type 1s don’t have the lowest A1Cs. In fact it’s 7.6 the best A1C to have, on average, if you want to live the longest. I’m not sure about during pregancy though, maybe it’s best to be low in that time. Very low A1C increases insulin TDD which increases weight, IR, hypos, etc. Yes even type 1s get IR. In fact I’d wager that most of us have it to some extent.
@Hoping4Cure – First off, I like your relationship advice. Finding a suitable partner in life is not easy and is made more complicated with D thrown into the mix
I think your conclusion is correct in the short run. Trying to dominate blood glucose levels with more and more insulin leads to more variability, more hypos, and a lower A1c. The lower A1c, gained with lower lows and higher high, is a false prize. In the longer run, my experience tells me a more normal A1c (low 6% or less) can coexist nicely with lower TDD, fewer hypos, and reduced BG variability.
When I went through my highest A1c at 8.5%, I was taking about 80 units of insulin per day. When my A1c dropped to the low 6% range, my total daily dose of insulin dropped to less than half what it was with the high A1c.
I agree and was surprised to finally learn that my-five year struggle to regain control of my blood glucose was primarily due to insulin resistance. I went through three endos during that time and not one raised the issue of insulin resistance. Looking back, I conclude that it’s excess insulin that creates insulin resistance. It’s as if all the cells in the body are struggling to defend themselves from too-much insulin. I believe that aggregate effect is insulin resistance.
I’m sorry you had and still are having such a tough time with it. I’m sure it wasn’t easy being a type 1 kid, I was diagnosed at 19 so I can’t begin to know what your experience was. However, many kids do relatively well with it and it’s probably much easier today than it used to be with pumps, CGMs, analogue insulins, small & fast glucometers, etc. I also think it is easier to be a diabetic kid coming from diabetic parents and being already somewhat familiar with it. My dad has had it since he was 15, so I had watched him manage it growing up. I always drank diet coke because it’s all we kept in the house, was familiar with shots, glucose testing and lows, and because of all that it really wasn’t that big of a shock to me when I was diagnosed, or something I really had to come to terms with or felt alone dealing with. As for your belief about A1Cs I strongly disagree. Terry is right, if you’re achieving a low A1C by bouncing between 2 and 16 all day then that isn’t safe and could lead to the problems you’re talking about. However, it is possible for a type 1 to maintain a normal or close to normal A1C without high variability or taking massive amounts of insulin with dietary changes and the technology that is now available.
I have had many relationships over the years and none of my partners were ever anything but supportive. So let me say in your case the problem was definitely with your partner and not you. From my experience most people are caring and are not concerned at the least (apart from how it effects you) about T1D. So don’t be concerned and go out there and get someone else who loves and respects you because that’s what you deserve and what most want to give.
He never ceases to amaze me. He notices things he’s guessing I will need help with and then takes care of me in ways it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask him. You would think after this long I would be used to it, or not be so surprised when he does something, but I never want to get to a place where I take it for granted. I am a legal secretary and spent a year and a half working for a divorce lawyer…my job helps me appreciate him more everyday.
In this life, the only policy that makes sense is to take people as you find them and just accept them for what they are. Luckily, that coin has two sides to it.
Every person diabetic or not deserves a relationship where their significant other supports them.
There are people on both sides of the gender aisle that are not willing to commit to a long term relationship and that’s alright as long as they are upfront about it. It appears that this fellow just isn’t willing to commit and your diabetes really has nothing to do with it. I believe it is unfortunate that he blames his reasoning on diabetes instead of being honest with you.
Please forgive me if I am less than 100% supportive, but why did you stay in the relationship so long? Were you hoping he would change? A lot of people get stuck in a bad relationship because they are dating someone for their potential. This almost never works out.
I was a late bloomer… I “caught” diabetes in my early 20s, but I had some idea about how the rest of my life would change because my father had T1D. I was in the ER with my fiancee. I looked at her and told her I would not blame her if she wanted to end it. She shut me up quickly, telling me that this suggestion was ridiculous. She’s a keeper. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a perfect diabetic relationship. Whenever my father says something or does something my mother doesn’t like, she asks sharply, “Are you… LOW?” Annoys the crap out of him (and me too, when she does it to me). My wife sometimes seems to forget I have diabetes and might need a few minutes in the bathroom before sitting down for dinner, though she’s more than adequately supportive. In other words, I think it’s unrealistic to expect perfection in terms of support, but you can usually tell pretty quickly if they’re going to be on your side in this regard.
You are young enough that you do not need to rush into another relationship. Take your time. Take a break. If I’m interpreting your username right, you are fit and know plenty of people who share your interests. You’ll be fine.
