I mean I of all people know how important it is to be ‘up’, to keep popsitive and to never stop fighting for (for lack of a better word to cover it all) Tomorrow. And we all know that by tomorrow, I mean feeling human, hurting less, minimal pain, less daunting future’s and simply to be here tomorrow to watch our kids grow up or our lives go forward.
I know Type 1’s as a whole are more of an independent group, we have to be. And I know in my own history and personality I take that sometimes too far. Often, the worst times in my life I’ve been known to go inward rather than actually let someone know I’m hurting, both in an emotional and physical sense.
BUT
Does anyone else:
Just want a day OFF. just one TOTALLY CAREFREE day.
Just get mad once in a while.
Wish those closest could REALLY understand what you go thru, not just ‘try to’ or 'want to’
Think of how different your life could have been without that type 1 sucker punch at a young age…
Ever look down at your handfull of pills or drawn up syringe and get overwhelmed with hate?
Look towards the future and think (full of fear) Oh God whats next?
Tired of watching this disease erode your body, and your hope along with it.
I think after clenching tightly to that ‘rosey’ ‘normal life’ ‘tight control keeps away the complications’ outlook for so long, I have come to a point where being realistic, and don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean dramatic, or needy or negative, or even ‘Poor me-ish’, I mean realistic. (after a lifetime of this seriously, who are we kidding) I guess whats left is me being really angry, and reaIly tired.
I understand most important thing for sites like this would be to ‘keep that positive attitude’ along with letting people know that as diabetics that they aren’t alone out there. But I ask for some input from others that are feeling like me, or have, because knowing we all get like this sometimes lets me know that I’m not alone out here and would do wonders towards me being able to embrace the despair when it comes around and then get past it to grab once again onto that ‘Rosey outlook’
You are definately not alone! Being the only diabetic in my family (extended as well) it has been so hard for me. Throughout my 11 years of having the “d” I have never personally known anyone who is going through what I am. I wish with all my heart my family could understand how hard it is just for me to get through the day…they try, but there’s absolutely no way for them to know. I’m not even sure what gets me through the days. I can’t even remember the times I could grab a cookie or apple without thinking about carbs and how much insulin I need to cover it. And I am just beginning, there is a long road ahead…this feeling comes and goes, but it’s life. It is tough, but I rough it out b/c I want to grow up and get married and have a family. Without mu lifeline I wouldn’t be able to dream of the future. But it’s hard…just know you’re not alone… =) here’s to some bright days ahead!
The not being able to have sweets thing isn’t hard for me. It’s the knowing that if I go to that concert I want to see or go to Knotts berry farm with my daughter, that I won’t be able to walk without horrific pain for the next week because of my nerve damage. It’s the surgery in my hand I’ve been reschedualling since january, because I just don’t want to be cut into again. It’s when my family knows they aren’t allowed to give me a ‘pat’, pat on the butt- pat me on the back, etc. because even the softest touch sometimes with my neuropathy can feel like such a stinging slap I’ll bite my lip and then will sting for 20 more minutes.
It’s the handfull of pills I choke down, and I mean hand FULL, it’s my legs, which where always pretty, shapely and muscular. Something I took pride in, Now parts of my legs that have over many many years of injecting liquids into fatty tissue, have started to be mis-shapen.
And it’s the day after day after minute after minute, that I hurt.
It’s all hard to form a life around, on each of us in its own way, but it’s just as hard.
Thank you for the feedback…
Damn Kelly, I can’t say that I understand your pain as I am not suffering from nerve damage myself. As if Type 1 isn’t complicated enough, add some complications and you’re in for some real heavy hearted days…I can imagine.
I did get down on myself a lot for many years, and spent a lot more time in denial than I should have. I try my best now not to let myself get there anymore, but the sadness and mental fatigue that accompanies the rigors of diabetic maintenance is often overwhelming.
Sometimes, it just sucks so bad, that you have to laugh at yourself and admit temporary defeat. We all lose some of the daily battles, but we just have to keep fighting.
Yeah. After 34 years I get really pissed off. Sometimes I feel such a strong rage within me that I could shove my hand through a window and then just stare at the blood…
Yes I who am Mr. Positive - get that way. But I fight it with a vengence as it is like an acid that runs right through my core. I cannot let it slip in much or it can overtake me. All I know is the all the anger and resentment does me no good whatsoever. I used to work as an aide with a ceribal palsy parapalegic college student. After that experience Iif I ever get down I just think on my worst day I never have it that bad and I never saw him stop fighting. I choose to fight with positive thoughts - it helps me.
You aren’t only, I think we all have felt this way and some are still going through it. All diabetic’s go into that type of “I HATE DIABETES” stage. The good thing is there are over 3, 000 people in the Tudiabetes community who can relate to you and understand your trials and tribulations. I can’t say I understand about the neuropathy but I heard it can be a very painful thing. I will say a prayer for you and I hope it gets better.
If I say anything I will look stupid,being not diabetic but treating children and teenagers with diabetes it seems that I feel you very well.I remember a 25 y old young lady with 24 y of diabetes and artificial legs ( she had accelerated diabetes,all kind of complications,genetically predisposed she must be) and she had depression for a year just asking why her,
Someone came along and asked her to concentate on others,she finished university and graduated to be a teacher,her anger could not get her anywhere.At last she got outside of herself taking her anger by living every moment, sharing life with people around her. She is teaching now and at least in contol.
thanks for telling us your story. for telling the truth. I myself hate it when people tell me to look on the bright side, or that there are people out there who are worse off than me. It doesn’t help me one damn bit. I’ve struggled for 41 years, and the truth is, it only gets harder to deal with. I keep going because I have a husband and friends who love me, and I love them.
YES, YES,YES, YES,YES, YES,AND YES!!!I think at one point we all feel that way!! Got to go with Marie B on that but even though I do I still try to find the “bright side” Although sometimes to no aviel!!!
The other day, I held my insulin pump away from my body and yelled at it. A good, long, crying, screaming yell. “I hate you, I hate you, I really, really, really, hate you.” I have never felt more sincere about anything. Thank goodness I was able to hate something at least a few inches away from my body. The worst thing is feeling separate from my own body, as if it had betrayed me.
The next morning I posted a thread online here, got lots of replies, and felt much better to have some attention and help with diabetes. You’re doing the best you can, in my opinion. It just sucks a lot of the time.
