I mean I of all people know how important it is to be ‘up’, to keep popsitive and to never stop fighting for (for lack of a better word to cover it all) Tomorrow. And we all know that by tomorrow, I mean feeling human, hurting less, minimal pain, less daunting future’s and simply to be here tomorrow to watch our kids grow up or our lives go forward.
I know Type 1’s as a whole are more of an independent group, we have to be. And I know in my own history and personality I take that sometimes too far. Often, the worst times in my life I’ve been known to go inward rather than actually let someone know I’m hurting, both in an emotional and physical sense.
Does anyone else:
Just want a day OFF. just one TOTALLY CAREFREE day.
Just get mad once in a while.
Wish those closest could REALLY understand what you go thru, not just ‘try to’ or 'want to’
Think of how different your life could have been without that type 1 sucker punch at a young age…
Ever look down at your handfull of pills or drawn up syringe and get overwhelmed with hate?
Look towards the future and think (full of fear) Oh God whats next?
Tired of watching this disease erode your body, and your hope along with it.
I think after clenching tightly to that ‘rosey’ ‘normal life’ ‘tight control keeps away the complications’ outlook for so long, I have come to a point where being realistic, and don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean dramatic, or needy or negative, or even ‘Poor me-ish’, I mean realistic. (after a lifetime of this seriously, who are we kidding) I guess whats left is me being really angry, and reaIly tired.
I understand most important thing for sites like this would be to ‘keep that positive attitude’ along with letting people know that as diabetics that they aren’t alone out there. But I ask for some input from others that are feeling like me, or have, because knowing we all get like this sometimes lets me know that I’m not alone out here and would do wonders towards me being able to embrace the despair when it comes around and then get past it to grab once again onto that ‘Rosey outlook’
Better add this part too…
The not being able to have sweets thing isn’t hard for me. It’s the knowing that if I go to that concert I want to see or go to Knotts berry farm with my daughter, that I won’t be able to walk without horrific pain for the next week because of my nerve damage. It’s the surgery in my hand I’ve been reschedualling since january, because I just don’t want to be cut into again. It’s when my family knows they aren’t allowed to give me a ‘pat’, pat on the butt- pat me on the back, etc. because even the softest touch sometimes with my neuropathy can feel like such a stinging slap I’ll bite my lip and then will sting for 20 more minutes.
It’s the handfull of pills I choke down, and I mean hand FULL, it’s my legs, which where always pretty, shapely and muscular. Something I took pride in, Now parts of my legs that have over many many years of injecting liquids into fatty tissue, have started to be mis-shapen.
And it’s the day after day after minute after minute, that I hurt.
Whats worse is the issues I mention dealing with in this, are just the first couple out of too many to list. Some humor in it has to be when I’m talking to some new Dr. or specialist-surgeon and even though the chart with everything going on with me listed
in it is open in front on them, and I say something or ask something referring to my conditions and I get that LOOK, the ‘peering’ over the glasses, eyebrows raised, total sketicism kind of look that says either “Are you kidding?” “You’ve got to be Exaggerating” or straight up “You making all of this up”.
Weird as it sounds it sometimes sucks to have such a serious illness that NO ONE can see. When you tell someone something about you’re struggle with your health, they look at you like, “Oh really” (you look fine to me)“Whatever”, lol
I guess in all it’s forms- it’s all hard to form a life around, for each of us in its own unique way, but it’s just as hard.
Thank’s for the feedback…