Ever just get PISSED OFF? (put in blog accidently)

Type 1 and LADA
1

I mean I of all people know how important it is to be ‘up’, to keep popsitive and to never stop fighting for (for lack of a better word to cover it all) Tomorrow. And we all know that by tomorrow, I mean feeling human, hurting less, minimal pain, less daunting future’s and simply to be here tomorrow to watch our kids grow up or our lives go forward.
I know Type 1’s as a whole are more of an independent group, we have to be. And I know in my own history and personality I take that sometimes too far. Often, the worst times in my life I’ve been known to go inward rather than actually let someone know I’m hurting, both in an emotional and physical sense.
BUT
Does anyone else:
Just want a day OFF. just one TOTALLY CAREFREE day.
Just get mad once in a while.
Wish those closest could REALLY understand what you go thru, not just ‘try to’ or 'want to’
Think of how different your life could have been without that type 1 sucker punch at a young age…
Ever look down at your handfull of pills or drawn up syringe and get overwhelmed with hate?
Look towards the future and think (full of fear) Oh God whats next?
Tired of watching this disease erode your body, and your hope along with it.

I think after clenching tightly to that ‘rosey’ ‘normal life’ ‘tight control keeps away the complications’ outlook for so long, I have come to a point where being realistic, and don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean dramatic, or needy or negative, or even ‘Poor me-ish’, I mean realistic. (after a lifetime of this seriously, who are we kidding) I guess whats left is me being really angry, and reaIly tired.

I understand most important thing for sites like this would be to ‘keep that positive attitude’ along with letting people know that as diabetics that they aren’t alone out there. But I ask for some input from others that are feeling like me, or have, because knowing we all get like this sometimes lets me know that I’m not alone out here and would do wonders towards me being able to embrace the despair when it comes around and then get past it to grab once again onto that ‘Rosey outlook’

Better add this part too…
The not being able to have sweets thing isn’t hard for me. It’s the knowing that if I go to that concert I want to see or go to Knotts berry farm with my daughter, that I won’t be able to walk without horrific pain for the next week because of my nerve damage. It’s the surgery in my hand I’ve been reschedualling since january, because I just don’t want to be cut into again. It’s when my family knows they aren’t allowed to give me a ‘pat’, pat on the butt- pat me on the back, etc. because even the softest touch sometimes with my neuropathy can feel like such a stinging slap I’ll bite my lip and then will sting for 20 more minutes.
It’s the handfull of pills I choke down, and I mean hand FULL, it’s my legs, which where always pretty, shapely and muscular. Something I took pride in, Now parts of my legs that have over many many years of injecting liquids into fatty tissue, have started to be mis-shapen.
And it’s the day after day after minute after minute, that I hurt.
Whats worse is the issues I mention dealing with in this, are just the first couple out of too many to list. Some humor in it has to be when I’m talking to some new Dr. or specialist-surgeon and even though the chart with everything going on with me listed
in it is open in front on them, and I say something or ask something referring to my conditions and I get that LOOK, the ‘peering’ over the glasses, eyebrows raised, total sketicism kind of look that says either “Are you kidding?” “You’ve got to be Exaggerating” or straight up “You making all of this up”.
Weird as it sounds it sometimes sucks to have such a serious illness that NO ONE can see. When you tell someone something about you’re struggle with your health, they look at you like, “Oh really” (you look fine to me)“Whatever”, lol
I guess in all it’s forms- it’s all hard to form a life around, for each of us in its own unique way, but it’s just as hard.
Thank’s for the feedback…

2

Kelly,

Reading your post has really touched a cord with me. I am glad to see that someone (you) feels as I feel.

I go about life most of the time trying to forget as best I can about the dreaded D. Try to live like anyone else. But we all know that isn’t the way it is. Eventually in time my “denial” breaks and I get MAD!!

I think about my future. Will I have children? Will I live a long and happy life with my love? Will my body slowly breakdown and give away?

I just do my best right now to stay as healthy as a diabetic can be. We will always have those breakdown moments, and being a part of this community gives us a place to turn and someone to talk to. My family is wonderful and love me, but as much as they want to understand they don’t.

We need a venting group where we can just B**ch when need we need to…LOL.

3

I completely understand Kelly. At the age of 15 I was diagnosed…at 17 I was diagnosed with cataracts… and then even under tight control my son was born with multiple problems (some they say were diabetes related) and now… as if that wasn’t enough, my son was just diagnosed with type I. sigh I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I cant help but wish I didn’t even know what IDDM was. My friends and family have always been great, but something tells me they have no clue.

Oh well, it could always be worse… but boy does it feel good to get that off my chest. I really hope things get better for you Kelly.

~Cassie

4

LOL, so true. Just like when we can gripe to our mom’s or our girlfriends about the men in our lives, our kids, our bank accounts, our jobs and more. We need to be able to get our gripe on about being stuck with this dumb disease.
And No we don’t need any sympathy or anyone to “Fix it” for us.
Just being able to say it outloud and be brutally honest about it, makes it less overwhelming and “all powerfull” and much easier to cope with.
If you start one count me in, I would but no idea how… yet.

5

It’s not even funny how much I DON’T want to be diabetic anymore. I try to make my life easier as a diabetic by keeping up with everything, only to get slapped with more and more bills. I’ve been diabetic since age 8…i’m now 24. i just got on a pump 2 months ago and was told it would be cheaper than MDI. yeah, so far, not so much. I mean, I’m taking less insulin now than i was when taking shots, but it seems like i’m having to buy insulin more often and the supplies are more expensive. and don’t even get me started on my insurance. they don’t like paying for me to go to an endo, which sucks. big time.

i know that in the end everything will turn out fine. it’s just hard to put up with. because you’re right, nobody can see it. i look fine and healthy. i’m 24, 5’6", 120 lbs…but so are my sisters. so was my mother at 24…even at 32. but none of them are diabetic. nobody else is my family is. just me. and i feel like it will always be this way. i’m also the only one of my sisters (or cousins) who are hypothyroid. my parents finally developed it over the last couple of years. but still…i’m the only one with diabetes.

but you’re right, it is a nice place to come and see that i’m not the only one going threw it, that there are other people out there in the world who’s insurance doesn’t want to pay for anything.

6

Yes. Totally pissed off. And when you’re in those moments, the Happy Uppity-Up-Smile Police just ■■■■ you off more :wink: I think it’s 100% normal to feel this way from time to time. How can we not get depressed or angry about this stupid disease and all the crap that comes with it? Most of the time I’m pretty good. It’s just part of life. But there are times when I just cry and it really gets to me. The emotional side of diabetes comes in waves for me. Fine for a while, everything’s manageable for weeks or months or even longer and then a few really bad days come when it’s so damn disheartening and frustrating I wonder how the heck I’ll be able to face tomorrow again. But then the tide goes out and it all starts over again…

7

Wow, this really hits home with some recent feelings I have been having. I was diagnosed just under 3 years ago when I was 26. I took it in stride, was actually in a really good place in my life so that helped. I think I just decided it was a challenge I was going to bend to my will and be the better for it, I still feel that way. I would have moments of doubt now and then, and wonder why I was given this burden, but I never voiced any of this to anyone.

About 4 or 5 months ago I just broke down, I was being scolded by my wife because I had just checked my sugar and it was over 200. I just couldnt take it anymore, the constant struggle and worry…I didnt want it anymore. Even if for just one week or one day I could put away my checker and my insulin pen and look at a plate of food without immediately counting the carbs in my head, that would be enough for me. I was just exhausted with the entire ordeal.

I guess the best thing to do is find a good way to vent. Its probably never going to go away and I know it, but there will probably be another time where I just dont want to keep it inside anymore. So my question is, how do you plan to vent? I am thinking a nice punching bag in my garage will be very theraputic. Make sure no one is around and let that punching bag know just what I think both verbally and physically!

8

I just received a call from my life ins co. I’ve been trying to have my premiums waived because I am not working due to hypo unawareness. The hardest part was trying to convince them that this disease is never going away! I will still have hypo unawareness tomorrow or next week or in the middle of the night, etc., no matter how "good"my control is.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kelly.

9

I have come to think that looking ‘healthy’ when that is so far from the truth when you are type 1 [don’t really have any experience being type 2 so not to leave anyone’s struggle out, but if I’m going to start running my mouth,better stick to what I actually KNOW and thats type 1]
A broken arm people see and can relate to the condition and it’s limitations, cancer patients under going chemo/radiation show visual effects of the disease in thier palor, weight loss, and loss of hair. People can see the battle they are fighting, and in a shallow stupid way I am envious that they don’t consistantly get caught up trying to ‘CONVINCE’ anyone they are seriously ill.
Honest to God, I have Kaiser which consists of my Dr. sitting at the computer and typing as he asks me questions. Had Kaiser since 2001 and diabetes since 1980 but ever time I look at my profile on the screen I am down as a Adult onset type 2 right below where I am listed as a IDDM, (HELLLLOOO?) he deletes it every two months and ‘poof’ its there waiting next visit.
Gotta giggle a little…
But I am angry and tired and I wish I could just let someone else do it for me, I’ll take the shots and swallow the handfulls of pills, but I just wish I could not deal and measure and test and do that mental thing I do like humn, I may be senseing somethings off with me-
The checklist:
Is what I’m feeling this or this or…Is it coming from this or just normal, what does this part of me feel, am I doing okay here. Blood pressure, blood sugars, blah blah
I wish my mind could wander or just be blank for a little while.
I can see how dumb and childish that actually sounds but its so real.
SO REPEAT AFTER ME;
STEM CELL
STEM CELL
STEM CELL!

10

I think I finally got to the stage, as a newly diagnosed D, of going from confused, resigned and in mourning for my old self, to the angry stage. Hell yes! I am angry. What did I ever do to deserve this? Mine was caused by taking medication the doctor gave me to help alieve pain in my arm and wrist due to injuries at work. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only can I not use the arm like I used to now I have a chronic illness to boot. Of course once I say that there is no history of Type 1 in my family and this was caused by drugs I too get the look over the eye glasses like I am speaking alien and they don’t understand a word I am saying.
I don’t think there is anything worse than to go to the doc and try to give him your symptoms and ask for a diagnosis, and have him either talk over you, not believe you, or simply ignore you. I have had to change my gp, and my orthopedic guy due to these problems with them. The simply refuse to listen to anything I say.
I have fought and fought this last 7 months more than I have had to fight about my health ever before. I am tired and yes I would like someone else to do it for me for a change. I want a day to forget everything, but if i had it then I would want more of them.
I am tired of explaining it over and over, tired of, because there are no outward signs, people not believing me. Also I am tired of being made to feel like I am lieing or exaggerating everything to get out of something. Playing it up so to speak. Tired of pain, and not being able to sleep due to pain, of being tired all the time, and being depressed all the time.
So yes, I understand how you want to vent, I want to too, but most of the time i have no one to vent too because I am supposed to be the strong one with no problems that I can’t surmount. When i got sick this past January and was diganosed with type 1, I was told that “you scared us because you have always been the healthy one” like I wasn;t supposed to get sick, that was everyone else’s job and mine was to take care of everyone. Sometimes, my shoulders feel to heavy to hold up. That is when I just want to hide and not talk to to anyone. ok, today is a bad day, so thanks for letting me vent.

11

latley I have been feeling down because Ive been thinking about wanting to have a baby. I am 27 been type 1 since i was 16. Many of my friends are having or have already had babies and its killing me. So many things I have to worry about before I can even think about pregnancy.

My own mother is a type 1 as well. She came from the steel magnolias age ( was diagnosed at 6 gave birth to me in 1980) and was told to never have a baby. With good reason too. She has since had not only kidney failure and a paralizing stroke. But a host of other health conditons.

So far i seem to be healthy. But ive only had this for 11 years. Even if I get my blood sugars perfect - who is not to say the stress of a baby on my body will result in eye problems or kidney failure down the road.

So i too get mad, but more than anything sad. Ive been crying a lot lately. With each new friend who reports the happy news of pregnancy I cant help but die a little more inside. I hate to be so jealous when I should be so happy for them ( and I am) but it kills me that with D I may never have that chance if i want to stave off horrible complications, not too mention a baby who may end up with type 1.

Thanks for letting me vent. Its nice to be among others who can understand.

12

I think we all feel this way at some point.

For me, I get horrible mood swings when my BG is high/low. Sometimes I laught uncontrollably. But mostly I get upset. For example, I just want to throw something right now because my sugar is 413 and I just had pizza and my pump says I shouldn’t bolus because I have insulin onboard and I’ve drank (drunk? dranken? whatever) almost 2 quarts of Crystal Lite and I don’t think I like Raspberry Lemonade anymore. And I’m still thirsty!

And for the past week it’s been up and down and I always over-correct because I’m afraid it won’t go up (or down) fast enough. The other night I just laid down on the sofa and cried.

I’m a senior in high school. I can’t picture my future at all. College? Where? Can I do this on my own? What major? What if I have a reaction and no one knows how to help? What career? I can’t open my own business because I have to have good insurance (does that even exist?)… I’m afraid to learn how to drive. When I was shopping for smarties (“glucose tablets”) the other day, my sister asked me if I was going to die. If I was going to become blind. I couldn’t answer her.

And well I’m sure there’s more that I can say, but I think that’s enough venting for now. I know this was your thing to vent but I think we all had something to let out, so thanks for giving us the opportunity.

Maybe if we just blow off our steam and get angry, we can cool back down and try again. Or a punching bag does sound nice :wink:

13

I can totally relate Sarah. Everything has fallen into place in my life except for a child. There is a lot more for us to consider. I know diabetics can have children, but the risks are greater.
Everyone around me is having a baby, I’m happy but there is this part inside me that I am ashamed of…I’m jealous, I’m mad, why not me?
I try to live as best I can, but we are only human and I’m at the point where I will have what I want…I just have to put in the work.
We have the risk of eye, heart and kidney disease even if you don’t have a child. Talk it over with your doctor and if he gives you the run around find someone else that will help you . Research and work hard, do your best to have your baby!!

14

As long as your bllod sugar is under control, there is NO reason why you can’t have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, the pregnancy will not be easy but I have had three perfectly healthy babies and no complications so far while being a diabetic. You have to work 10 times as hard to keep your sugar under control and undergo more tests than a non-diabetic mom but if you are willing to go through all that then go for it. You can ask me any questins you want.

15

I feel better after reading this just for knowing that I’m not an idiot for feeling the way I do sometimes (not that I like seeing others suffer too, but it’s a bit comforting to know that we’re not alone).

I go through different types of mood phases with relation to diabetes. At the minute, I’m bitter…and I hate that. I feel like I’m becoming more and more resentful of people who don’t have to deal with this, and when someone makes it clear that they have no idea what it is or how much crap it takes at times to live with it, I find that I get jealous. I want to be one of those ignorant people sometimes.

Since joining this website, I’ve found that I’ve become a lot more comfortable talking about being diabetic. For a long time I wasn’t, mainly because of reactions in the past and bullying when I was younger. But as much as I love that I’m feeling capable of talking about it with my friends, I can’t help but feel paranoid that they wish I’d just shut up about it. We were out for dinner a while back, and when it came to ordering dessert, I just had a coffee. I let myself eat desserts sometimes, but this time I couldn’t be bothered with the extra injections and feeling like crap, so I didn’t. You would have sworn I’d killed someone from the way everyone reacted. I just sat there and took it from them because I felt like saying, “Don’t you realise sometimes I can’t be like you” but I couldn’t say it because it would have sounded like I was guilt tripping them. Instead I just sat there, fantasising about jumping on top of the table and yelling, “FINE. I’ll eat if you want me to” and dramatically stabbing myself in the stomach with my pen, lol. (I didn’t do it, don’t worry.)

Ah, it just gets really headwrecking sometimes. But I think as long as there’s a good outlet (like this website) we’ll all be okay. Not brilliant, or full-time shiny happy people…but we’ll be okay.

16

Hi Sarah,
My sister has been a T1 since 1971. She has had two healthy sons who are now in their mid 20’s.
She did spend much of her pregnancies in the hospital but has no more complications. Don’t give up hope.
Rich

17

I agree

18

hugs thanks for your response. Its great to be able to speak to others who understand where I am coming from.

It will be at-least 4 years until hubby and I can think about this financially so I have 4 years to get myself together. Lose weight get my blood sugars in tip top shape do my research etc. I am headed back to the endo on wed to see the results of my bloodwork.

knocks on wood Guess then I will get a good idea of how my health is and if this is something he thinks I can do in the future.

Best of luck to you as well!

19

Thanks so much for the moral support. I have been spending a lot of time on the diabetic mommy site asking others how things worked out for them. What my mom went through scares me to death but I have to remind myself thats not the only outcome. I think I have had it a lot easier than she, in regards to all the newer technology and such. Hopefully there is a good chance I can do this safely.

20

Thanks CDW. It really lifts me up to hear of other D’s having healthy pregnancies. You are right about the work that it takes, but as long as I know that I can still be healthy and my child can be as well, they are risks I am willing to take. I really appreciate your response.