Finding Myself Again

Hello Everyone on TuDiabetes. My name is Kathleen & I am 18 years old. Nice to meet you all!

It was such a pleasure finding this site. After searching for answers, I feel this might be the right direction to go. I did a Diabetes camp when I was 17 Years old, and found that finding people to relate to allowed me to feel much less isolated with my disease. So much so, that it left me in tears after arriving home because I didn’t have that support or that family that I felt an immediate connection to. From that day, I knew I had issues in dealing with my diabetes. If I had dealt with it, those emotions would not have manifested and I would have been able to continue living my life with my beautiful families support as well as the support of my boyfriend.

I am not here to receive counseling, or bore the latter of you with the fact that everyday in some way or another anxiety presents itself. And not always due to Diabetes. Nor am I here to complain about the disease and feel sorry for myself. But rather I am here to find out if someone feels the way I do & find a practical solution to all of this. To give you a little background information on myself. I was diagnosed with diabetes on June 6th 2008, almost 3 years ago. Hours away from a Coma little did I know. For at least 5 or 6months my blood was perfect. HbA1c was within the 5-6 range majority of the time. I felt in control, and always wondered why most people didn’t look after themselves. It wasn’t until the months and years went on and on that I realized it was for life. I mean I knew, but never comprehended. Before Diabetes, I was a joker, I had aspirations, and I was known for my bubbly personality. I am not suggesting that I have lost it completely. But I’m starting to think that Diabetes took that from me. I’ve been searching for answers the last couple of days, because after counseling in 2010 and the apparent recovery, my relapse has come in the form of abnormal anxiety attacks and depression without reason. I feel like during my 12 sessions of counseling, I was looking in the wrong direction to feel better. Trying to find problems with my life. But unknown to me, until now, I think Diabetes had been the cause all along. Call me stupid, but I always over-looked Diabetes as my cause of Clinical Depression. Because It was so permanent, I thought I had already accepted it. But I don’t remember a life before Diabetes with depression or anxiety. I knew I was predisposed to it, because each of my family members has it in some shape or form. But its taking over my life. Pulling at my tolerance strings.

I’m currently living in Thailand (for 8months) with my boyfriend and his family. This should be one of the biggest and most exciting moments in my life. But my anxiety makes it so difficult to clear the fog and see the beauty of what I’m doing. I’m here to find myself. Leave Australia and all its influences behind and truly find the piece of me that has been missing. I can’t take this much longer. I used to frown on people who didn’t appreciate life or blamed their problems on depression. Look at me now? Its pathetic. I’ve become pathetic. I need some motivation to get my diabetes under control again and I’m hoping that joining this beautiful community will help me see that I shouldn’t let this disease control my life, but instead control it. Thank you all for your beautiful Welcomes. And I really hope that I haven’t come across as someone who is spoiled or ranting on about something unnecessary. But at this stage, I’m really willing to do anything to find myself again.

Thank you for reading if you have! I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Feel free to be brutal, but please be sensitive to my issue. I’m too fragile at the moment and even the smallest thing may scare me away. Haha. I’ll be try and be strong! :slight_smile:

Oh Dear, your going to make me choke up! Haha. I really appreciate the reply! Its good to know theres support around here! Thank you for the motivation :). xo

Hey Kathleen, I’m new here too, and can I just say, I dont think you’re spoiled or ranting, what you describe is EXACTLY how I feel about being diabetic. You’re not pathetic in the least, so please try not to worry about that. There is a strong link between diabetes and depression, and the constant feeling of having to deny yourself things and explain the situation to people can be exhausting.
Maybe, as far as being in Thailand is concerned, it will make your food choices a bit easier,being away from familiar ‘bad’ foods and discovering new things to eat? Would it help to try and meditate, or have a regular massage to try and ease the stress a little? Spend time outdoors to remind yourself that things can be beautiful? Sorry if this sounds silly or trivial, I understand what it is like to feel like the D has taken over your entire existence. I try and spend as much time as possible doing the things I enjoy, like baking bread I can actually eat, or attempting to grow plants ( Delhi heat is truly vile!).
I hope that soon, through all the fog, you’ll find you’re managing. Its entirely normal to feel like you cant be bothered, but hopefully that feeling will be only in patches soon.
Hang in there. The very best of luck to you! and a hug.

Arihat - What a beautiful way of putting things. Once again nearly brought me to tears - just another display of how sensitive I am at the moment! Haha. Everything you have said has been what I’ve been wanting to do inside, but I’m not executing it as much as I should be! Your insight is truly appreciated! I am dying to find balance again and complete control. But every time I forget to see the beauty in life, I will refer back to this forum and your amazing advice :slight_smile: Thank you so much. xo

You’re entirely welcome! Its both nice and weird to find that out of my own daily greyness and (what seems like) constant grouchiness can come advice that can possibly help others. I find that when it all seems overwhelming, I give in and indulge myself in other aspects, like watching the movies I want to ( usually the Lord of the Rings trilogy non-stop), or reading something funny, or saving up for something I’ve been wanting. And when I feel there’s nothing I can do but cry, I just cry! it helps!
Ok I need to stop preaching and get back to work now. Boring manuscripts don’t just edit themselves!
hugs.

Welcome! I have a similar experience, I was very bubbly and outgoing but have become more withdrawn since diagnosis. I also struggle with an anxiety disorder which got very bad after my diagnosis for a few months but now is not as severe. It is overwhelming when you think about doing this diabetes thing everyday for the rest of your life but I have learned to try and take it one day at a time. Has your therapist suggested a low dose of an antidepressant?

Welcome! Connecting with other people with diabetes has been one of the biggest motivators to keep pushing through the I don’t care or I just want to quit moments for me. It’s been quite a while since I was diagnosed, but I think the mental impact of being diagnosed (as well as living with Diabetes) is a lot larger than most people know so I think it would almost be expected that you’re struggling through a fog right now and feeling anxious or depressed is not abnormal. It’s a pretty big life changer. And from reading other’s posts and my own experiences it can take a long time to fully accept (or maybe every so often you have to reaccept because other parts of your life have changed).So I hope and am pretty sure you’ll find a lot of support and encouragement from people here :slight_smile: You might want to check out some of the groups here too for support and inspiration(such as the ones with members who’ve had D for 20-30+ years and are leading fulfilling lives or for me seeing the number of T1 women who have had healthy kids since when I was younger it was deemed nearly impossible)
There are also some discussions about the positives that D has brought to people’s lives which if you’re in the right frame of mind can be motivating.
For me personally management rather than control has been my goal because I don’t think you can ever have complete control(such as controlling how quickly you absorb insulin or how your bodies other systems and hormones respond to food or stressful events), which can lead to a lot of disappointment. Diabetes is manageable though and there’s a lot of tips and advice here to doing so.

And there are numbers of rant blogs or posts on this site because sometimes it’s good to just complain and let it all so that when you’re ready you can move on.

I am still a joker. The 12 year old seems to be posing a much larger threat to my sense of humor than diabetes these days? Nice to meet you.

I love to watch LOTR or Star Wars all the way through. It’s challenging to find time for that but I like to do it at least once a year!

Honey YOU CAN DO THIS! Belive me I know how hard it can be at times but I use the dumb things that happen to me with diabetes turn it around and look at it from a “normal” person’s point of view and find something funny about it (And oh my gosh at the times I’ve done dunb things that to us are “normal” but to another person are dumb. (I do that alot when I get low LOL) WELCOME! We’re all here for you. Anytime you need us we’re here. If it wasn’t for this site I would have lost what’s left of my mind years ago. HOLD ON AND RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER! IT’ S WORTH THE RIDE!!!

Welcome, Kathleen! You’ve definitely come to the right place. I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now, but glad it brought you to us, your TuD family. I was diagnosed when I was MUCH older than you, and I can only imagine how hard it would be if I’d been diagnosed when I was struggling with all the things children and teens do. But it will get easier. I am so jealous you are in Thailand, and I know what you mean about not being able to appreciate it, but you are there, and your positive attitude is shining through even as you say how hard it is. Don’t add to your problems by beating up on yourself because you “can’t appreciate it”. If you are suffering from Depression, then that is chemical and it’s not your fault. Have you thought about seeing someone once more for counseling and/or medication? It really does help!

Finally, I’ve heard so many people talk about the amazing experience of first going to D camp and meeting other Type 1’s. As an adult I have experienced that too, and it’s wonderful to be in a room of people who really understand. I started a Type 1 Women’s Support Group here in California and I look forward to each meeting. I know it’s hard being in Thailand but perhaps you can do a search on here and see if there are any English speaking Thais that you can connect with. And definitely you will find Australians, there are many on here, that you can connect with when you return home.

Anyway, welcome!

Hey There!
Thank you for your reply! Its good to know that you have had similar experiences. (Not good, but interesting, Haha)
You are very right, im will try to take it a day at a time as you have said, because we never know what the future holds and I need to stop looking for it. My therapist (whilst doing counseling) suggested I maybe go on anti-depressants. But I feel as though it may make me a robot. I’ve had alot of experience watching family members with it, & I’m not sure if I can deal with the supressed feelings. So I tried to just do it myself. Not sure if it was the right thing, but I think I will realize the need to take it when or if I cant handle myserlf anymore.
Thank you again! Loving the support!

Hello!

I know what you mean completely. I’ve already noticed the connection between the Diabetes Camp and this website. I felt as though the camp was the last time I would feel so normal unless I went every year in January.
But lucky me! Thank you so much for the suggestion of groups. I joined a Depression & Anxiety group, I havent really read into it as of yet. I will take your advice and look around. I do find people who have lived with diabetes for a long time a very big motivation! And that is such a clever point on managing. Im a perfectionist so I get very frustrated when things dont run smoothly. I will try to accept that some things are out of my control, thank you for that. ALSO! I will rant, I will rant alot my friend! Be prepared! :slight_smile: Haha.

Thank you so very much for your reply. Everything helps.

Nice to meet you too! If that is the case, I wish I had a 12 year old. Lol! Or do I?

Hi THERE!

Thank you for your concern regarding my age! It was extremely difficult finding out at the peak of my teenage life. I found everyway to hide it, I was so ashamed. You find social situations a bit more awkward. Luckily I found the perfect boyfriend who didn’t make it a big isssue! However - I do also think that despite our age differences with being diagnosed, you would have also been extremely horrified im assuming? Although I don’t know you’re backround, I understand that things would have been happening in your life that Diabetes made different and difficult! So my heart goes out to you with your diagnosis as well :slight_smile:

I have considered going for more sessions. But sadly - I look at it as defeat sometimes. People have told me endlessly that I came before my disease, and I shouldn’t let it control me. I dont want to use up all my time getting help rather than helping myself. Or if anything, I will do treatment again when I’m completely lost. I completed my counseling last year, and I dont think its fair to keep relying on something other people have a lot more need for. But Thank you for the suggestion. I will keep my heart and mind open to it.

What a good Idea! I didnt really consider finding a Thai person online, due to the very low rates of Type 1 Diabetes in Asia. But I might just have a look around!

Thank you for your welcome and your support! :slight_smile:

Good to know I can find some sanity here! What a funny thought! I guess having a laugh about it sometimes is really positive. Luckily I have friends and family who know how to find the balance between jokes and concerns! Haha! Thank you for your insight! Im glad to know I can get help from anyone and everyone here!