My BG’s are a lot better- yesterday I was down to 100- but I am gaining weight rapidly and it terrifies me. I’m already up to 116. that’s 8 pounds up from a couple of weeks ago. I know a lot of it is water weight, but I’m scared. After I weighed myself this morning, I couldn’t stop crying. The number staring back at me was…almost unbearable for me to see. That sounds like a rather self-indulgent thing to say, I admit, and I would never think that 116 is a high number for anyone else…but for ME, it’s extremely difficult to accept. And it’s not just the weight, it’s the fact that the pounds are piling up so quickly. Did I ruin my metabolism with the diabulimia?
At any rate, I am still bolusing, bolusing, bolusing away. I have to literally FORCE myself to at times. I wish I had some kind of a positive self-talk to help me through those times, as well as when I weigh myself and am thrown into despair. Right now the patterrn I go through in my head is more like, “You are disgusting. You are fat. You’re fat fat fat fat FAT! But you have to take insulin. You’re a bad diabetic. Why can’t you be perfect? You think one blood sugar of 100 a day when the rest are over 200 is good? You think that’s an improvement? You’ve managed to capture the worst of both worlds, Amy, you have managed to have high blood sugar but not high enough to lose weight. Look at all the other diabetics who have perfect blood sugars. They’re upset about 280 and that’s normal for you! And they’re thin, and they eat very little carbs. You’re disgusting. You’re fat. You’re a bad diabetic. You’re a bad person. You’re sickening. I"M SICKENING.”