You Know You’re A Mom When…
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You count the number of sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they are equal.
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You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child’s favorite toy and made him/her cry.
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You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
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You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
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Your child throws up and you catch it.
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Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
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You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
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You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
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Your child insists that you read “Once upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of the doctor’s office and you do it.
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You hire a baby sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
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You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it’s the only one your child eats.
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You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into unusual shapes.
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You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi’s mother.
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You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.
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You can’t bear to give away baby clothes–it’s so final.
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You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “Not in your good clothes.”
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You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
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You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is “above average.”
*Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor… and you don’t care.
*When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
*You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
*Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
*Popsicles become a food staple.
*Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
*You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
*You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
*Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
*You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
*You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.
*You’re up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes,
putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet … you still managed to gain 10 pounds.