Hi again everyone,
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m waging a war against myself. I received my LADA/Type 1 diagnosis a couple of weeks ago and since then, I’ve just been feeling a slew of all over the place thoughts and emotions. Maybe it would be easier to list them all out:
-I’ve been trying to eat low carb but I’m 23 with a busy life so I often falter. I feel guilty every time I eat something remotely high carb and then I feel even more guilty and disappointed in myself when I see the effect it had on my blood sugar. I’m planning on talking to my endo at my next appointment to see if we can introduce bolus insulin so that I don’t feel so restricted and I’m hoping that will help that somewhat.
-I haven’t told anyone besides my family about this diagnosis because I don’t really know what to tell them. Am I diabetic? Technically, no. Am I on insulin? No, but there are occasions when it probably would help. That’s confusing enough to me, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be for someone else to comprehend. It’s just the fact that with LADA/adult onset type 1, so much isn’t really able to be labeled or put into a box. Because of that, I’d almost rather just not bring it up at all to avoid being asked more questions that I’m not even sure I have the answers to.
-Feeling a weird desire to hide this from the public. In my heart, I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of the fact that my pancreas is deciding to give out on me but I still find myself wanting to test discretely even around strangers. Maybe it’s because I don’t want questions, maybe it’s because I myself haven’t fully accepted that this is happening and it will make it more real the more people who know. I’m not sure. I can just tell that my actions aren’t matching what I feel inside and I don’t know why.
-Worries about the future are constantly floating around for me. My insurance covers one type of fast acting insulin and one type of long acting insulin at a relatively reasonable price ($35 per month and $10 per month respectively) which I am extremely grateful for. But I’m 23 and I can’t help but think about what will happen if when I finish graduate school, I can’t find a job right away and I age out of my parents policy.
I’m not sure if the purpose of this post was for advice, to vent or just to have someone say that I’m not crazy for feeling this way but thanks in advance for anything you can offer.